Almost 20 Questions

Magnolia tagged me, and I needed something to write, so here you go!

1) If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
Since we're not planning on having kids, Buster is a member of our family. He's our baby. And we spoil him accordingly. Lately I've been giving him meat trimmings while I'm cooking (sort of) and now every time I go into the kitchen he follows me and looks at me expectantly. I also give him too many treats without making him do tricks. He doesn't want to eat his regular food as much anymore, so maybe this is a problem. He's not starving, so I think I'm good.

2) If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
There are a lot of things I would like to see happen, and most of them I actually wouldn't want to happen because they would change fundamental things in my life that I'm extremely happy about. For example, I would love to own my own yarn/craft store, but that would mean giving up my job, which I love, and giving up chemistry, which I really love.


3) What is the one thing most hated by you?
"easy. willful ignorance." I copy this. If you don't know about something, that's fine, because you can learn something and rectify the situation. But there are so many people who are content to be ignorant, simply striving for mediocrity, and that, my friends, is the real meaning of stupidity. The worst part is, most willfully ignorant people despise those who would learn and grow. Almost my entire extended family on Mim's side are like this. It makes family reunions so interesting.

4) What would you do with a billion dollars?
Pay off my house and Mim's house, buy Kwiddens a house, set up trust funds for Em and Jorg and Nyah, buy everyone cars, start my own business (and one for Scott, too), etc. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to use up even a million of it before I ran out of ideas.


5) What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Scott can usually pull me out of a bad mood, but if not, there's always yarn. Unless I'm having a panicky sort of bad mood, in which case I take Klonopin, then use the yarn.


6) Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
How about both? It sucks to be at one end of only one of those. On one, you feel hopeless that the other person will ever love you, and on the other one you feel like you're being creepy-stalked.


7) What is your bedtime routine?
Take medicine and brush my teeth, change into pajamas, turn on my electric blanket and climb into bed with my lappie, surf the internet while Scott surfs the internet on his side of the bed on his lappie, or maybe read a bit of a book, then I start trying to fall asleep while Scott drinks his chocolate milk and eats his crackers.


8) If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
Hot Or Not. No joke. We were both on there just for funsies and we said hi and started talking online here and there (this was my sophomore year of college) and then we started talking like every day in November of my Junior year, and then he came out to Utah for a funeral (he had been living in Colorado) and while he was there we met and had a great time together, so when he got back to Colorado he packed up and moved back here (he was originally from Bountiful) and that was that.


9) If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
I don't like watching people come up with things. It takes time. It's like watching paint dry. I'd rather see the end result.


10) What kinds of books do you read?
Knitting books, my favorites over and over (Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia, Leven Thumps, I know I'm one of those dorks), and sometimes I make it to the library and check out a classic, like something by Jane Austen. I used to read a lot more, but I find that I enjoy knitting more lately.


11) How would you see yourself in ten years' time?
Probably roughly where I am now, but older and richer.


12) What's your fear?
SPIDERS. I hate them. They're gross and creepy and scary. I'm also afraid of losing people, and losing my sanity.

13) Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
Space isn't cool; all that's out there (within reach) is space junk. BORING. I love ice cream too much.

14) Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
Married and poor wasn't too bad.


15) What's the first thing you do when you wake up?
Hit snooze. And again. And again. Then I let Buster outside.


16) If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner, what would it be?
I wish he recognized his brilliance and potential. He's down on himself a lot of the time and I wish he had the same amount of faith in himself that I have in him: a TON.

17) If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Don't wanna.


18) Have you ever been betrayed by a family member? What did you do to get through it and go on with life? What made it better? Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
Well, I've touched on this in the past. I have been betrayed. I'm still in the middle of it with someone. Getting through it involves getting together with people that understand the need to trash talk and trash talking the crap out of this person. I don't really mean it (well...most of it) but it helps to rant. I can never forget, but in other cases I've been able to forgive. The thing is, I'm going to have a hard time forgiving if the person would never even admit he's done anything wrong, let alone apologize for it.

19) If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
My first instinct was ice cream, but then Magnolia said salad and it hit me: there are so many more varieties of salad! And I wouldn't feel like crap all the time! I had some salad at a great salad bar the other night with Kwiddens, and it always hits the spot.

Reverb 10: Soul Food

December 26 Soul Food


What did you eat this year that you will never forget? What went into your mouth & touched your soul?

The person who asked this question had no idea what she was in for.

It doesn't matter what I ate. I ate a lot of things. The size of my bottom reflects that. What matters is how food "touched my soul".

To some, that might be a good thing. I understand a lot of people have positive associations between their food and home life with family, or friends, or whatever. It's incredibly common for a flavor to bring memories flooding to the surface, and that's fine for most people.

I, however, am not most people.

Food only "touches my soul" in the sense that I use it to soothe emotions I should deal with in other ways. I want to STOP this. I need to change the way I view food. Mim told me a story once about how she used to love Moon Pies. She used to go get them with her family, and they were dirt poor so it was a very special (and rare) treat. Over the years she got Moon Pies all the time, and I'm sure they brought back awesome memories of good times with her family as a kid. But as she has been working on her eating and such, she's tried Moon Pies, and other foods she associates with good times, and realized that she doesn't even like the taste. And once she told me that story, I started thinking about my food memories. It turns out I don't even like pumpkin pie (if Mim knew that she'd swear I was adopted or something), but when we had Thanksgiving together as a family, and Dad was actually being pleasant and we had a good conversation, and I had pumpkin pie, I just felt like we were a real family and that felt really good. Years later, surprise surprise, I tried some pumpkin pie and realized that it just isn't that good to me.

I have a lot of foods that I only eat because of the memories. I don't even necessarily do it consciously. When I'm upset (or bored, or depressed, or lonely, or tired, or...) and all I want to do is stuff my face, I go back to those foods.

What I need to do is change the way I think about food. What is food to me now? Comfort. An excuse to gather together. Traditions. There are so many things food is to me that have nothing to do with keeping me alive. I'm not saying it's bad for someone to get together and have dinner with family or friends. I'm not saying that food traditions are bad, either. In fact, I think they can be wonderful. Because of several stupid little things, Christmas Eve cheeseburgers didn't happen this year. That's something we do every year, and I was really disappointed. And that's ok.

But I need to change the way I think, overall, about food. I need food to survive. Can that food be delicious? Absolutely. I really hope it is! But it needs to be healthy and limited. I don't need more than one serving. If I'm upset (or bored, or depressed, or...you know) I need to talk it out. If I'm angry, I've found in the past that going and getting some exercise helps me calm down (and I tend to get a very intense workout, too!). Think of how healthy my heart would be if instead of grabbing candy or baked goods (my kryptonite) when I need comfort, I would go get some exercise. My hips would thank me, too. The day I found out Dad was getting married, I was upset so I went to the gym and did six miles, and it felt amazing and empowering, and I had time to think all my angry thoughts and get it all out of my system (notice I called him Dad. He got me a very nice present for Christmas, and I've had time to cool down, so my heart's a bit softer today) (progress!).

It's a long journey, and it sucks most of the time, but I'll get there eventually.

Reverb 10: Let Go

I'm a total slacker. I let this one go. Not one week into December and I've already slacked off.

But, in my own defense, I did read the prompt yesterday and immediately thought of two things that I could talk about, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to go there for all the internet to see, so I decided I would answer it today, after I'd given it some thought. And, oh look, I thought of something else that I don't mind sharing with my little corner of the world.

December 5 Let Go


What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

This year I let go of a lot of my anger regarding the things that have happened in my family in the past few years. I let go of a lot of my anger; that is to say, not all of it (that's gonna take a while).

So much has happened...and even though it happens time and again, when something happens to us we, as humans, are angry and can't even imagine that the anger will ever fade. It feels too real, too fresh, too biting. And that's okay. We're all human. The wonderful thing is, time heals wounds. It always has, no matter how deep.

So I let go of a lot of my anger regarding things Jason did, regarding the way life was at home growing up, regarding how unfair it sometimes seems that I'm the one stuck with this shortcoming or that illness or whatever it might be that's causing me to mope and feel sorry for myself. It didn't all go at once...it just kinda faded.

I mean, of course there are still times when I remember something specific and feel hurt all over again, which leads to anger, but each time this happens it's a little less intense, and I find myself calming down more quickly. I also find myself trying very hard to put myself in the shoes of whoever it is I'm angry with. I remember something someone did or said to me, and I try to think about what he or she must have been thinking or feeling, and I try to cut people some slack. I don't know what it's like to be somebody else, but I think about times when I've done or said something hurtful and nine times out of ten I really didn't mean it or maybe it was a complete accident and if it happens to me, I'm sure it happens to other people. I'm really trying to give others the benefit of the doubt.

Anyway. It's a work in progress, far from being finished. I'm sure it'll take years for everything to settle completely and for me to be able to move on, but I did a lot of moving on this past year. You should try it sometime. It's refreshing.

Text Time 11

Kwiddens: I'm at Wal-Mart and there's a line for the blood pressure machine
Me: Lol random

Kwiddens: You should call my work and tell them there's a family emergency
Me: Ok what kind of an emergency do you want?
Kwiddens: Dad in a car accident or something.
*insert fake, frantic phone call here*
Me: Are you going to be able to come help? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge?
Kwiddens: Yes. THANK YOU
Me: Love you a million!
Kwiddens: Love you more!

Kwiddens: I hate when I have to force myself to stay awake until a decent bed time
Me: I know EXACTLY how you feel

Me: You should really see a doc...
Mim: Been hoping to see a plastic surgeon...romantically. For Valentine's an eyelid lift, for my BDay a tummy tuck...!

Bob: A chemist and a mathemagician/philosopher. This ought to be good. Do you have a large white board yet? I expect a formula that balances out all of life's problems! It should include moles, k, pi, constants, infinitives, reason and purpose. Ready, set, go.

What The Hell?!

My dad and I don't speak to each other. Occasionally I feel sad about this, because I think he used to love me, back when he adopted me, but now I think he feels the same way about me that I finally feel about him: I nothing him.

When I say I nothing him, it's like saying I hate him or I care about him or I (insert verb indicating feelings here) him. Except, I feel nothing toward him most of the time, so I nothing him.

Sometimes, though, I get angry and want to go punch his face in, because if I ever tried to tell him how I feel he would get angry and defensive and call me terrible names and such or he would just walk away, ignoring me completely. Really mature, right? Either way, he wouldn't even care to hear about it. But it's pretty hard to ignore a strong punch in the face.

My memories of my dad consist of three things:

5% Warm and fuzzy memories of when he actually listened to me or said something nice to or about me,

60% Not being home, out doing other things with other people, ignoring his family's emotional (and sometimes physical) needs,

35% Being home and yelling at or criticising me (or all of us) about something stupid that either isn't even true or is something no person in his right mind would get angry about (one time I got in huge trouble for getting ice out of the freezer without asking...not even kidding).

When I took the ACT and got a 34 (out of 36) he basically told me I was stupid and I should have done better. And for a while there, I did think I was stupid because I thought he was so smart and he knew so much about the world and the way things should be. Apparently, I was incredible naive. I pushed myself to my limits in school and got all sorts of awards along with my perfect grades and the mountains of extracurricular activities I put on my transcript, and he never acknowledged that I was doing well (Mim, however, was always very proud of me and supported me in everything I tried to do. Even gymnastics, which was a total failure, but she was proud of me for trying).

One of our running family jokes was that if something would make him mad, we would all get the silent treatment for exactly 3.5 days, to the hour. I'm not even kidding. It was so perfectly consistent that we actually found it funny. The exception was the summer before I left for college, when he refused to talk to Mim for three months, resulting in her breaking down and ending up in the psych ward for a week. He, of course, denies he ever did that. Now I find it both funny and pathetic (not the Mim in the hospital part, the 3.5 days part).

Sadly, he was such a "good person" in my eyes that I wanted to be just like him, so I immersed myself in religion and science and wanted to be a doctor just like him. It took me years to figure out that he is a selfish, arrogant, holier-than-thou, racist (very very racist) person, and once I realized that I was able to let go of a lot of things I had been very angry and hurt about. I even feel sorry for him sometimes. But, once again, for the most part I nothing him.

All this aside, the reason I sometimes get so angry at him is this:

He cheated on Mim and nearly destroyed our family. Em was so torn up about it she tried to commit suicide and ended up in the psych ward for a week (I'm thinking there's a pattern to this). Jorg lost his faith in God, because he prayed and prayed and prayed and God never answered his prayers that our family might somehow be mended. I had to deal with a lot of this during my first year of marriage, which was hard enough in and of itself, with my being sick and our being broke and my not being able to find a job. Mim was so heartsick she couldn't eat anything for months and lost about 50 lbs.

He used Kwiddens. She knew about the other woman and he was nice to her for the first time ever and so Kwiddens felt obligated to stay out of it and not tell Mim about the affair. He would have Kwiddens tell Mim he was hanging out with her when he was actually with the other woman. I used to be angry at Kwiddens for this but now I understand how horrible the whole situation was and that staying out of it was probably for the better.

Everyone in my family went through hell and a half.

So about the other woman: her name is Cambria (total stripper name...) and she was (get this): his patient. Ethics apparently be damned. Even to this day, he lies to all of us and claims they are "just friends", even though we all know from outside sources that they are engaged. That just drives me crazy: that he thinks we will just fall for his stupid lies, and that he's not man enough to admit that he's done something wrong, even when we all caught him with his hands in the cookie jar.

Every time I think I am over this, something new comes up. Usually it involves the way he treats Em, Jorg, and Kwiddens, especially Kwiddens. For some reason he has always had it out for her, ever since the day he married Mim. I had it bad, but she had it way worse. He picked on her relentlessly and I don't know how she gets past that on a daily basis. I understand that Kwiddens's getting pregnant wasn't the best thing to happen, but things happen and we move on and make the best of it, yes? Our whole family is now in love with this beautiful little baby and we are so proud of Kwiddens for making such a beautiful little baby and being an amazing mother, and we are happy to have Isaac in the family. All of us except for Dad. Dad now refuses to even speak to Kwiddens and has no desire to see the baby, which I find totally heartbreaking, because there will come a time when Nyah will ask, "Why don't I have two grandpas?" (or three, depending on if you count our BioDad) and someone will have to say "Well, he doesn't love you" (or something) (how would you even answer that question??).

So, something else happened that brought it all back and I feel like I have to start all over again.

Yesterday I found out that he's getting married. Tomorrow. He didn't bother to tell me, Kwiddens, or Mim. We only found out because he invited Em and Jorg.

I don't resent Em and Jorg at all for this. I'm even proud of them that they're mature and kind enough to rise above it all and wish him happiness. But I can't help but think that maybe if I were actually his biological child maybe he would love me enough to invite me to his wedding.

It seems I'm not meant to have a father figure in my life. I'm usually fine with that. But sometimes I get so jealous of people who spend time with their fathers and look up to and respect them. I just can't respect him. I think I might even stop calling him Dad. It seems harsh I suppose, but apparently he doesn't think of me as his daughter any more, so from now on, he's just Jason.

What a prick.

Also, you would not believe how many awful words I used in my first draft of this post. Extensive editing brought it back down to a PG-13 level.

The Evolution Of Newb

When Kwiddens started high school, and I was in my senior year, we sorta...started our own language. It isn't completely different from English, but it's completely confusing if you're not used to it.

I don't remember exactly how it started, but I know it involved my senior year boyfriend, Dan. Dan and Kwiddens and I would hang out in the orchestra room before school every morning, and we would get to talking, and we were being really goofy, and in high school almost nobody is politically correct, and so we were...talking like...retarded people...I feel awful confessing that, because I realize now how mean that is! But the whole point is, we would talk in this language and we called it "Weetawd". See? I'm a horrible person, and I'm going to hell.

So at some point we did realize that it was horribly rude and awful, etc. So, we decided to call it something else, and the name changed to "Doobie". Because we had called annoying idiot people doobies and it was just hilarious at the time.

Now, a quick aside:

One summer, about a year later, Kwiddens went to Girl's Camp (church camp) and while she was there, she caught a group of girls GETTING HIGH AT CHURCH CAMP. And it wasn't just pot, either; there was some harder stuff there. Anyway, Kwiddens went and told a camp counselor, who called the police, and they came and the girls got in trouble. You would think the rest of the girls, the ones who were following the rules and actually wanted camp to be a spiritual experience, would be proud of Kwiddens for standing up for her beliefs and doing the right thing, but they were so horribly mean to her that she called for us to come pick her up. Unfortunately, we couldn't, since that was the night there were 63 tornadoes in our county...driving wasn't such a good idea. We tried, and got stuck in a funnel, which was SO COOL, and we thought we were going to die, and when we were out we decided that wasn't a good night for driving, so Kwiddens was stuck there. I'll write more about being inside a tornado some other time.

The whole experience shook her so much that calling it "Doobie" was now out of the question, since of course the word is drug-related. We decided to call it "Newb" instead, because Dan was always saying "Look at those newbs!"...I think that came from some kind of internet slang.

Anyway. So that's how Newb started. Here are some of the grammatical rules:

Firstly, and most importantly, Kristen turnes into Kwiddens, but if you say Kwitten you are using the worst swear word in the language.

When speaking Newb, one adds n's to words that don't actually have n's in them. Examples are "nansty" (nasty) (although this has its own word, which is just nast, used as a noun) and "int" (it), etc. One has to be careful, though, because if you add an n to the word "cut" bad things happen, so that's the exception.

Th's are turned into f's. Examples are "fink" (think), "bafroom" (bathroom) (which is now BF for short) and "birfday" (birthday).

Singular words are pluralized. "I hans to use the bafrooms."

Pronouns and verb tenses are mixed up. Think Gollum + Dobby. We also add in "precious", as a tribute to LotR.

If you're just starting to use Newb, the best thing to do is study Homestar Runner (the guy with the star on his shirt). That's how everything ends up being pronounced. Intonation is the most important part of Newb.

There are a few specific phrases that we use often. One is calling someone "Little Chicken". This is because once, when Kwiddens was working at DQ, she was putting chicken strips into the fryer and she was talking to them, like "It's ok, little chickens, it'll be over soon" and things like that, just to be silly. It totally stuck.

We're sisters, and friends, so we call each other "sista fwend". We also call loved ones "Stupid", "Dummy", "Idiot", etc., and that is like saying "I love you!" in Newb.

There is a little confusion when you pronounce the words cows, cars, and calls. They all sound exactly the same, so you have to use context to figure out what's going on.

South Dakota is "Souf Kadoda".

Anywaaaaaym (anyway)...

The most amazing thing is, once Kwiddens and I started using Newb on a regular basis, Mim joined in, and it became something special we three did. It bugged Dad to no end, and that was an added bonus. Mim became Mim when we were watching The Sword In The Stone and decided it would be fun to call her Mim instead of Mom. When Scott and I started seriously dating and he noticed me and Kwiddens talking like this, he joined in, and is now fluent.

Whatchoo fink?

Pretty amusing?

You KNOWIT.

Red To Blue

So this past weekend for Memorial Day I went down to Mim's to spend the weekend. One of the main events was dying Em's hair. When she's in school she has to stick to "natural" colors per the school dress code (technically, her shade of red is against the rules but the teachers all like it so much they never write her up for it!), but as soon as it's summer it's time to kick it up a notch.

So here is my beautiful sister Em with her old color:


It's actually more vibrant than this but you get the idea.

Right before we started:


Isn't she adorable? I mean, ahem, totally cool?

Anyway so the game plan was to bleach her hair as white as it would go and then put the blue dye over it to get an icy blue sort of color all over.

We applied the bleach and waited...and waited...after about an hour we figured we should probably rinse it out and this is is what we got:



Not quite as white as we wanted...that red was so stubborn! So, we had Mim go buy another bleaching kit... We applied that and waited...and waited...but it had faded all it was going to fade, so the plan had to change. We decided that the blue over the red would make purple and she was ok with having blue roots and purple tips, so on we went.

Right as I was putting the blue dye on Em had a stroke of brilliance and thought it would be awesome if we left a little bit of it reddish orange in the front, so I sectioned off some and left it while the blue dye did its thing.

So originally it was going to be all blue but I think this turned out much cooler:



Some reddish orange in the front with blue roots in the back and a frosty purple on the tips.

My sister is SO Rock 'n' Roll!

Now, short rant:

When I was Em's age I would have LOVED to have blue hair. Or really any color other than my own. But Dad was so strict...he didn't want us wearing any makeup or even nail polish, let alone dye our hair. Finally Mim convinced him that it would be ok for me to dye it a little, and so I got to dye it a slightly lighter shade of my own natural hair color. So exciting, I know.

Anyway, now that Dad is out of the picture (mostly, anyway) Mim has seen the light and relaxed and realized that it's FREAKING FUN to have crazy colors in your hair, and is a lot more lenient with Em and Jorg than she ever was with me and Kwiddens.

Totally not fair.

Just another gem of a memory from my childhood.

Rant over.

Luck?

For the most part I would not consider myself lucky. Everything I have has come from good decisions and smart planning at some point in my life.

I have a great husband because I took a long time to date and get to know him before I really committed. I dated many men of all types before meeting him so I would find out about myself: what I admired in a man, what wasn't really that important, and what I wanted a relationship to be like. I chose from the very beginning to not make the same mistakes my parents made (no offense, Mim) and to communicate about everything (and I mean everything, even if it's embarrassing) with Scott. I chose to focus on what's important and make sure I didn't have unrealistic expectations about what marriage would be like. I chose to do whatever it takes to make this marriage the best I've ever seen, no matter how difficult it got.

I have plenty of money because I went to college, got a challenging and (somewhat) useful degree so I could get a very good job, which I've kept because I chose to give it my all, and also because I worked so hard in high school so I could get a scholarship, and worked at least one job at all times through college so I have no debt. Scott and I decided to be careful and responsible with our money so we can afford to live the lifestyle we want, so we were able to buy one car half with cash, half on credit, and the other totally in cash. We have since paid off the first car, so the only debt we have at all is the mortgage. It helps that we decided not to have children, because let's face it: dogs are cheaper.

I have an amazing house and awesome renovation plans because Scott and I decided to take the leap into homeownership at the perfect time in relation to the housing market. We have such awesome plans and the means to put them into place because we are going to do most of the work ourselves, and because we got the tax credit for buying a house.

I have an amazingly smart and adorable and sweet dog that fits into our family perfectly because Scott and I wanted to rescue him, and he was just so freaking adorable that as soon as we saw him we knew he was ours.

I have a good relationship with (most of) my family because I chose to move on and give people a second chance. The only person I have no relationship with is the one person who doesn't even want a relationship with me, and I have finally realized that this is totally beyond my control. I can never forget about the crap I went through growing up and during the first few years I was married (the crap had nothing to do with Scott, but everything to do with my screwed up family), but I choose to ignore it, forgive, and focus on the future. One of the best decisions I ever made was to try to have a relationship with Mim again.

I have my sanity because I chose to take care of myself and see a psychiatrist. I also saw a therapist for a while to help me get past my past and my hang-ups. I have my sanity because I have finally recognized my limitations and learned about myself on such a deeper level. I now understand how my mind works and how I can deal with it to make my life as normal as possible. I choose to think of my condition as a challenge, not a handicap.

I have lost weight because I took charge of my life and my health and worked DAMN hard to get the weight off. hCG was hands down the hardest thing I have ever done, and it was also worth it for so many reasons. I lost so much weight and made a giant step toward breaking some very deeply ingrained food addictions. I learned portion control and how to make healthier lifestyle choices. And I look better, too. (FYI, I'm back on the diet to get the last 20 pounds off. I did so well maintaining my weight after the last round, and this time around the cravings aren't so intense. They're also different. Last time I was craving Krispy Kremes, and this time around I am craving salad.)

So I don't consider myself lucky, even though I have such an amazing life right now (knock on wood...). I have worked so hard physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually to get where I am today.

But last night I was so so SO lucky.

Because there was a drunk kid going down our street at about midnight slashing everyone's tires on every car that wasn't in a garage for no apparent reason.

And he skipped ours.

(The cops caught him, don't worry)

LUCKY.

Also, the weather seems to have gotten its act together.

BioGrandparents

So when I was very very young Mim divorced my BioDad and then a few years later married my Dad (who legally adopted us, so he isn't a stepfather, he's my Dad) and we lost contact with my BioGrandparents. A while back they tracked Kwiddens down and got in touch and started talking and such, and Kwiddens asked me if I wanted in and the whole situation seemed weird to me, and I wasn't sure, so I just sat on it for a while. Then, in November, they came to Kwiddens's wedding and I saw them for the first time in probably 20 years, and it was weird...

Anyway, some time passed and I mulled it over and decided that I would shoot them an e-mail and start getting to know them. And it's been weird, and fun, and interesting, and confusing. But the other day I got my birthday card in the mail from them and it felt...nice.

Mim's parents and my Dad's parents were just never close to us, so I kinda grew up without the grandparent experience. And when I get an e-mail from them, it's...nice. I like it. It's family I've really never known so it's so strange but I like it and am excited for when they come to Utah in August to see Kwiddens's baby. I will make sure to spend some time with them and get to know them more in person.

It's kinda like having a pen pal. Well, two pen pals and a dog named Sonny.

Oriental Chicken Wrap Mmmmmmmm

Of course, the night that it's lovely and cool outside so we decide to open all the windows is the night the air force base decides to scramble the jets. And, since we live about two blocks from the base, it's FREAKING LOUD.

Make it stop!

I was lucky to be able to have dinner with Kwiddens tonight. We went to Applebee's, which I love, but I never get to go there because Scott doesn't like it. Oh well. It's so nice to have made up with her. She and I are both kind of on the same page now about so many things and so where before I only had Scott and Mim to be totally open and honest with, now I have her back in my life and she doesn't mind if I swear like a sailor while we talk about anything and everything. Today it was embarrassing bathroom stories. Crude, maybe, but hilarious.

We were also thinking back to the good times, back when we were in high school and things hadn't exploded yet. We were remembering how ridiculous some of Dad's rules were, and remembering the ridiculous amount of shoes Kwiddens had (I was so jealous), and the house we had that finally felt like a home (we moved a lot, so it took living in Sioux Falls for years and years and years before we finally felt settled). We were looking back at high school and remembering our friends and activities and I hadn't realized how long ago that was. And I'm not even that old yet.

I often have a long list in my head of things I would like to blog about and by the time I sit down with my lappie I have forgotten most of them. I should buy more post-it notes and write them all down. But then I would probably lose the notes and then I would be in the same place.

I love when the yarn catalog comes in the mail.

Two Days in a Row!

So I don't know why but I feel like ranting a bit.

First, work:
I swear on the precious that I told my boss's boss last week that it was the furnace and the spectrometer that needed a service plan, and that the furnace was the last thing to have broken. So, of course, what do I find out today? He didn't sign us up for the furnace, just the spectrometer. Which never breaks. Ever. So, he's going to try and re-negotiate and fix it, which means who knows how many more days without my instrument.

Ok, me:
I am so freaking tired all the time lately. I'm tired, and munchy, and dizzy sometimes...I've gained two pounds, which doesn't seem like much but to someone who is constantly at the same weight all the time for ever and always it's a change. I'm also getting these headaches...blech. I want to get back to dieting and exercising, and so every day I think to myself, "Gee, I think I'll spend a half an hour on the treadmill today!" and then I get home and feel like crap feels on a bad day. SO TIRED.

On the plus side, I am exploring the fun of trying to crochet socks without a pattern. My mom likes red socks, so I am making her red socks. I have no idea what I'm doing. I've undone them three times now...yeah.

Ok, family:
I hate that I live two hours away from Mim and Em and Jorg, and I should really be grateful that's all it is, because the only other way it would be is if they never left Sioux Falls, and then I would never see them ever because gas got expensive. I am glad I get to see them about once a month, but sometimes I get lonely and want to spend time with them, and they're all the way down there and I can't just go visit because I have to go to work and stuff. I like work, but I like my family too.

I am so tired of seeing kids out with their parents, where the kid and the dad are talking and smiling and joking around and just having a blast with each other. I'm so freaking jealous...I hate to admit it, because my whole life I haven't had a good, strong father figure in my life, and I like to think that I'm strong and I don't want or need it, but it isn't always true. Jealous.
I'm tired of dad thinking we're all retarded enough to fall for his crappy lies.

I love Scott. More than yarn, and pickles, and puppies, and music. That's a lot of love.

A New Beginning

SO...back to blogging. I had a blog before, started my first year of college. I abandoned it...life got too crazy what with the college thing. Anyway, I've been itching to write, either in a journal or a blog or notebook...to put my thoughts down, whether in a cathartic manner or creative. I have dreams, strange dreams, but dreams that could be used to create fiction, the stories are so vivid. I have a crazy life, with drama leaking over from my family to my own life, creating tension. At times, I feel like screaming, and at other times I feel completely at peace with the world. Either way, I've been told that writing can help with the tension. And, who knows...maybe someone will stumble across this and get something out of it. What they would get, I can't tell you. Just maybe.

So what is it today? I had a wonderful experience at a car dealership. After months of financial planning and research and fighting with dealers, we settled on what car we wanted and got approved for a loan. Dealers have tried to sell us vastly overpriced cars, and when we tried to negotiate, they pushed and lied and made us feel like we were stupid, which we're not (I have a degree in chemistry. It may mean I'm unemployable, but it also means I am NOT stupid). So today, when we had given up all hope of getting someone to treat us like people, we saw the light at the end of the tunnel. We found the car we wanted on KSL and called to set up an appointment with the dealer. We were surprised when we got there to find a small dealership with only one employee, the nicest car salesperson I had ever met. No hassle. This is the price. Take it or leave it. The price was perfect, it was the perfect car for us, and it was in fabulous shape. So, we bought it. All in under an hour, with no arguing whatsoever. HAPPY DAY!
So, we have a bright, beautiful new precious. I will drive it with the utmost paranoia in order to keep it pristine.

I had a moment today when the drama with my family overwhelmed me and left me speechless. I have no qualms about openly declaring to the whole world (or at least any who read this) that my dad has crossed all boundaries of human decency and family responsibility. The fact that he is a very successful doctor, but my family is struggling financially because of his self-sabotage and his selfishness absolutely leaves me speechless.

I got a call from the pharmacy yesterday, asking me to do two boxes worth of paperwork by Friday, so I better get to work. 15,000 prescription payment records, wooHOO!
I put some papers in a box today and shut the lid. Somehow, the papers magically got out of the box and onto the lawn. There was no hole in the box...the box was securely closed...I must be magic. SO, I win the race.