Text Time 11

Kwiddens: I'm at Wal-Mart and there's a line for the blood pressure machine
Me: Lol random

Kwiddens: You should call my work and tell them there's a family emergency
Me: Ok what kind of an emergency do you want?
Kwiddens: Dad in a car accident or something.
*insert fake, frantic phone call here*
Me: Are you going to be able to come help? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge?
Kwiddens: Yes. THANK YOU
Me: Love you a million!
Kwiddens: Love you more!

Kwiddens: I hate when I have to force myself to stay awake until a decent bed time
Me: I know EXACTLY how you feel

Me: You should really see a doc...
Mim: Been hoping to see a plastic surgeon...romantically. For Valentine's an eyelid lift, for my BDay a tummy tuck...!

Bob: A chemist and a mathemagician/philosopher. This ought to be good. Do you have a large white board yet? I expect a formula that balances out all of life's problems! It should include moles, k, pi, constants, infinitives, reason and purpose. Ready, set, go.

Chocolates, hCG, and Fog Machines, Oh My!

My favorite kind of chocolates are Queen Anne cherry cordials. Every year for Christmas someone in my family gets me a box, with the "e" scribbled out and replaced with an "a", which makes me the queen. I eat all of them in one day and it's delicious and amazing, but after I eat a whole box of them I'm sick of them and I don't want any more until next year.

I hate when people argue on Facebook. I got caught in the middle of an argument yesterday and it was mostly my fault...oops. This one involved someone ragging on the hCG diet, saying it doesn't work in the long run and it'll just make you unhealthy, etc. Well, let me tell you, I've kept 30 pounds off, my blood pressure and cholesterol went down, and now I can keep up with Scott while we're walking through a store. I can see how the weight would come back if you didn't change your eating and exercise habits, but I did and it's amazing. The end.

I ordered an industrial strength fog machine from Best Buy, and I chose (and paid for) the faster shipping. the website said it would be here by...YESTERDAY. They were supposed to send me an e-mail and charge my credit card when they shipped it, and I got neither an e-mail nor a charge. So last night I called customer service and tried to find out what was going on. I feel sorry for customer service people, because all they do all day is handle people's problems, and most of them aren't as polite as I am. Anyway. Even though it said nothing about it on the webpage, this item was special order through Best Buy from another company. The other company hadn't told Best Buy if they'd gotten the order or anything, so they were still in the dark. I'm mad. If, on the website, it says I will get my item by a specific day if I pay this much for shipping, I better get it then. As it stands, we may not get it at all before Halloween, which would totally suck.

THIS JUST IN:

I'm talking to Scott on messenger right now and he said Jon just told him a large package just arrived from Best Buy. I forgive them.

Work has been really slow lately. There are way fewer samples coming in from outside labs, so it's just our own every day, and it's not enough. I find myself killing time so I can get enough hours.

Me: Afternoon is the worst part of the day for me because everything is all done except I just have to wait for the machines to finish. And wait. And wait.
Kwiddens: Oh darn, you get paid to sit.
Me: I know, but I don't like waiting.
Kwiddens: Silly.

HOLY HELL I just got hit by a craving for Chinese food. I've had really intense cravings lately, and I don't know why.

The women at my new crochet group all do a different kind of crochet called Tunisian. It's almost a hybrid of knitting and crochet. I'm going to attempt to teach myself before we meet tonight.

Text Time 10

Me: I just said "3/4 of our parents suck!" and Scott said "But the other 1/4 makes up for it!"
Mim: Thank you! I love you guys.

Me: Hungry! Making some dinners.
Kwiddens: Grood. What are you making?
Me: Garlic chicken. Premade, frozen...so I can't screw it up!
Kwiddens: Haha
Me: I am truly rotten at cooking. I made muffins the other day and they ended up gross. Scott liked them though...weirdie.
Kwiddens: What did you do?? And how were they wrong?
Me: I don't know what I did. They just tasted kinda odd. Not muffiny but more bready.
Kwiddens: Haha you messed up boxed macaroni once too didn't you?
Me: Shhhhhhhhh.

Me: Okie. I feel like a jerk but I messed up dinner so I'm feeling like I want to cry...it's so stupid...
Kwiddens: How did you mess up dinner? I think sometime you and I should cook together.
Me: Gravy didn't thicken. Gravy soup!
Kwiddens: What did you use to thicken?
Me: It was a mix...
Me: I just...suck at cooking. You'd think I would be great at it, since chemistry is basically following recipes!

Kwiddens: I need to learn how to apparate.

Me: YEAH!

Kwiddens: Mim and I decided we would do it with hulahoops and wands and sparkles.

Kwiddens: Right now I'm eating Oreos and throwing the cream away

Me: I need to be there!

Kwiddens: We need to have a tube that goes from wherever I am to wherever you are and we can pass notes or pills or ice creams or whatever.

Text Time 9

This Text Time is brought to you by Kwiddens's mother-in-law, whom we...ahem...dislike.

Kwiddens: Isaac's mom pronounces Hercule Poirot "Haircool parrot".

Kwiddens: Oh wait. "Haircool purroh".

Kwiddens: I am going to kill Isaac's mom.

Me: How?
Kwiddens: Any ideas?
Me: There are lots of guns there.
Kwiddens: Too messy.
Me: Rat poison?
Kwiddens: Is that easily traceable?
Me: Probably.

Kwiddens: How many birthday cakes does it take to satisfy a bitchy mother-in-law?

Me: How many?
Kwiddens: I'll let you know when I find out.

Kwiddens: When I go to jail for killing her will you visit me?

Me: Absolutely. I'll bring cake...whom do you want to kill?
Kwiddens: Isaac's mom :)
Me: I should have known.

Kwiddens: Did hell just freeze over?

Me: ???
Kwiddens: Isaac's mom took out the trash
Me: I love you.

Text Time 8

This Text Time is brought to you by the English language, Kwiddens, and a little bit of chemistry.

Kwiddens: Crisises. Ugh.

Me: What crisis???

Kwiddens: Somebody said crisises instead of crises.

Me: Oh ok. I thought you were saying crisis in newb*. Lol

Kwiddens: Lol no thank goodness.

Kwiddens:

Facepalm.

Kwiddens: "Give me an oxen." What???

Me: Explain...

Kwiddens: One is an ox. Many are oxen. This guy was saying he'd rather have an oxen than a burro.

Me: I know ox vs. oxen, I was just wondering who said it. Mim says you should either slap him or kick him then run away!

Kwiddens: He's a veteran...

Me: Ok, no kicking.

Kwiddens: A verbal slap?

Me: No. Thank him for defending our country, then stick a bar of soap in his mouth.

Kwiddens:
Comma splice.
Me: That is so gross.
Kwiddens: It was in an ad! In National Geographic!
Me: I would expect more from them.
Kwiddens: For real.

Kwiddens: What do you call a lumpy bumpy church?

Kwiddens: The Cystine chapel.

*Definition of "newb" to follow

Text Time 7

Today's Text Time has pictures!

Mim:

Great place for math!

Scott:

Me: Perfect! Is it working?

Scott: Not at all...it is bringing me more attention.

Mim: Pain everywhere.

Me: What can I do??

Mim: Send positively charged no pain ions.

Me: It doesn't matter what time I have to pee in the morning, the janitor always happens to be cleaning the bathroom at that exact time.

Kwiddens: Haha you're cursed

Me: No kidding. I wonder who cursed me...

Kwiddens: Your mother-in-law?

Me: Lol maybe. I don't think she knows I don't like her, though.

Mim: Hey Nanners, what do I want a ring to be coated with? I want to order a ring today and I forgot.

Me: Rhodium, dahling.

Mim: Rhodium is a girl's best friend...

My New Profession

A recent text conversation:

Mim: If I ever have to get a smaller bed, I'm having this bedspread cut down, and the excess made into more pillows! You have such good taste! This set is perfect!

Me: I love that I can match your personality and moods to your colors and decor!

Mim: You should be an interior designer.

Me: A chemical interior designer. Everything will be molecule-themed.

Mim: Could be fun!

Text Time 6

Today's Text Time is brought to you by Jaxon, who is Kwiddens's nephew. He isn't very smart and his parents don't really parent him, so interesting situations arise...

Kwiddens: Jaxon is having Count Chocula and pistachios for dinner.

Kwiddens: I seriously can't understand a word Jaxon says.

Me: That's because he's made of goo.

Kwiddens: He's like "Pennin nee dot".

Me: Is he talking about penguins?

Kwiddens: Jaxon is wearing underwear and a heating pad.

Me: Um yeah that is super awesome. And sad...

Kwiddens: I can't believe his mom and grandma think he is normal...

Me: Well it's not like they are normal!

Kwiddens: Jaxon is still in his pajamas and Rachel's like "No he's wearing that as clothes today!!"

Kwiddens: I'm sick of hearing Jaxon fake cry and having Isaac's mom coddle him. Every time he fake cries, if Isaac tells him to stop, she makes an excuse for him.

Me: Pathetic.

Kwiddens: I'm seriously going to live in a box behind Wal-Mart.

Kwiddens: I got chewed out for saying "Jaxon, that's a fake cry."

Me: You need to get out of there.

Kwiddens: I know. I'm going to go insane. I took lortab and benadryl and only slept for 3 hours. I was so disappointed.

Text Time 5

Today's texts are brought to you by The Kwiddens. And pregnancy. And babies. Etc.

Kwiddens: I just lifted a watermelon and almost popped out a baby.

Me: You are hilarious!

Me: Are you gonna pop that baby out soon? You must feel ready to burst!!!

Kwiddens: No kidding. I felt like water was going to break last night. We're out shooting today. Maybe the off roading will help get her out.

Me: That would be an awesome story to tell. "How I Went Into Labor"...

Kwiddens: For real! It would be hilarious.

Me: You're due in less than a month, you know.

Kwiddens: I know! It could be like any day now!

Me: You will call or text me when you go into labor, right?

Kwiddens: Of course.

Me: And then you goes to the hospital and spit it out.

Kwiddens: Haha or something like that.

Kwiddens: I just got kicked so hard I almost peed

Me: Kicked by whom??

Kwiddens: Nyah

Me: Oh ok I thought someone else kicked you and I was about to be pissed.

Kwiddens: Lol no. I would have kicked some ass if anybody had kicked me.

Kwiddens: Apparently changing tables are useless once your baby can roll.

Text Time 4

Me: There are screaming babies everywhere!
Scott: No babies!
Me: No kidding!

Mim teaches math at UVU...

Mim: I hate that I have to teach slow, clumsy methods. I teach them, then say "here's the quick, slick method."

Me: Sometimes I can't even remember the slow methods because I just do the quick ones in my head...

Mim: This book series teaches mixture and distance solving with 2 or more variables and a system of equations. WHY?!

Me: Why do people overcomplicate things?

Mim: I know. Sometimes I'm demonstrating and accidentally slip into a quick. I think at this level we should just teach the quick, then later introduce the theory and the slower methods for deeper understanding.

Me: If only we ran the world...

Mim: I agree.

Me: When you take pictures in negative your dog shampoo glows!

Kwiddens: Weirdie

Scott: Buster just lost a fight to a wasp.

Me: Yay, acid on my face!

Text Time 3

Me: I love when Scott takes a Benadryl so he can eat seafood
Mim: That's true love!

Kwiddens: Isaac and I are in a gun shop and there's this old guy walking around farting and it's hilarious
Me: And gross...?
Kwiddens: Yeah the smell was atrocious

Mim: It would be so cool to have a date on a Friday night...

Me: Make a date with an apple and a glass of water!

Mim: You're my hero!

Me: It'll be so romantic. You could light candles and listen to Sinatra.

Me: Haha, when my phone vibrates in my pocket all the fat on my leg jiggles!

Kwiddens: Sad

Me: It's ok. I am on the diet again so the fats will disappear.

Mim: I like dead people so much more than living...

Me: I know what you mean

Oh, my family is awesome.

Text Time 2

And some more...because life will never stop being funny.

Back story: Buster won't eat if we're not home. It's weird. Before we left for work I gave Buster a bone and Scott said "He won't eat it..." and I bet him five bucks he would. Later that day:

Me: I owe you five bucks. He didn't eat the bone.

Mim: Em says it's hard to get good octopus in Utah!

Me: Well duh.

Mim: So the answer is probably no.

Me: To taco or not to taco. That is the question.

Kwiddens: Taco.

Scott: What happens when you kick a person into the next county? Do they have to live there after that?

Me: Actually I think YOU go to jail...

Me: Coworker is eating most delicious looking burger and fries...the universe must hate me!

Yay!

In other news, I'm cold and I think it should stop snowing and be spring again.

Text Time 1

So this is the first installment of funny text messages/conversations that I have with my family and friends. Mostly my family. Chances are, my family is just going to keep getting funnier, so hopefully this will be something I can post often!

Mim: Will you make some hydrogen sulfide for me?

Me: Who are you trying to kill?

Mim: WHOM am I trying to kill...

Me: Shut up. So whom?

Mim: No one. Need for a friend who needs to do a comparison thing.

Me: Let some eggs rot. You'll have some in about a month. Maybe faster if you leave them out in the sun.

Mim: I'm just gonna tell him you said no.

Kwiddens: Is it bad that when I see a guy in the airport screaming "Sell! Sell! Sell!" into his cell phone I think he's faking?

Kwiddens: Isaac's mom was eating an avocado and Avogadro's number popped into my head.

Mim: So what do you suppose is a mole of avocados?!

Kwiddens: Isaac found my old ring!

Me: Where was it??

Kwiddens: In Nyah's room

Me: Isn't that your uterus? How did it get in there?

Kwiddens: Haha no the room where the guns used to be

Me: Buster just tried to eat a Schnauzer

Mim: Hors d'ouvres!