If You're Uncomfortable...

...with menstruation, skip this post.

A little while after Scott and I got married I was having stabbing abdominal pains (which turned out to be IBS, which means they couldn't figure it out), and first we thought it might be reproductive, since it felt like my ovaries were being skewered with a hot poker. A dull one. So fun. I went to see a gynecologist, and she was mean to me, but she did find some cysts on my ovaries (which weren't the cause of the pain), and to get rid of them she switched me to Lybrel. It was brand new on the market when she prescribed it to me, and I LOVED it. It's a continuous dose of hormone with no breaks ever, which means...drumroll please...NO PERIOD. EVER.

Here are the reasons I loved this:

1. Periods are gross. I don't need to elaborate on this.
2. PMS went bye-bye. And when you're bipolar, you don't need the added hormonal fluctuations for a week every month. I'm not fully functional anyway (see #3), so I don't need to be emotionally screwed as well.
3. I used to be the one girl who got cramps so bad that I had to take narcotics to be able to get out of bed in the morning. These cramps were literally debilitating. Sucko.
4. I didn't have to take a week off of sex every month. Sorry if that's TMI, but it's the truth.
5. Periods are gross.

So, anyway, I was in birth control heaven, and then a month ago we had to switch health insurance.

BAH.

Our new insurance sucks lollipops, so the copay went from $13 for these magical pills to $70! Yikes! Now, Scott made it quite clear that if he had to pay $70 a month to not have to deal with PMS, that that would be totally fine by him. TOTALLY FINE. However, I decided to go see if there were another option.

I got to the gynecologist, and I had a new one this time, and she wasn't awkward at all, which was AWESOME, and we discussed birth control options. It turns out Lybrel is completely unique. There's nothing like it, and it will be something like ten years before the patent is up and someone can make it generic. The next best option was to find another continuous dose pill (a.k.a. not a cycle of monthly doses) and just take it back to back with no breaks. With this I would have to have a period every four months, which is better than every month, so it's not a total loss.

So new, $15 birth control. Ok. Dealing with it. Here's the problem:

In between the Lybrel and the new pills my doc said I needed to let my body have a period. Oh joy. So this past weekend, for the first time in almost four years, I had a very special sort of week.

Poor Scott. I had forgotten how bad my PMS was before. Scott and I always joke around that even though I'm nuts, he still has it better than all the other dudes because he doesn't have to deal with PMS. Well, now he does. He hid from me. I was AWFUL. I was trying so hard to just keep my mouth shut, but I wanted to cry and laugh and scream and just sleep forever all at the same time, and just for kicks you can add in an uncontrollable craving for cheesecake. Everything was irritating me. I would say something, and not even realize it was mean until after I had already said it, so I lose. LOSE.

The worst part was that I felt completely out of control. I felt like I was in a car with a terribly drunk driver and I kept telling him to pull over and let me drive because he was all over the sidewalks and hitting pedestrians and speeding and running red lights and he WOULD. NOT. PULL. OVER. Worst feeling ever.

So it's over, and I don't have to deal with it until...April.

I think it's going to be a challenge keeping my cool at work during those special weeks, though. Is this how all women feel once a month? No wonder men make so many PMS jokes. I finally get it. I turn into a freaking monster. I don't want to be that woman who loses her cool and has to say to her (male) boss, "Gee, sorry I'm a total ho this week, I'm on my period!" and get a totally embarrassed look in return. I don't want to be weak and emotional just because I was born with a uterus. Sucks to be me, apparently.

I did get my cheesecake. I went to Marie Callender's with my sisters and Mim, and I had some there, but they were out of cherry cheesecake, which is what I really really wanted, so I settled for caramel. It was amazing, but not what I was craving. No good.

I still want cheesecake, but I'm back to dieting (I let myself eat whatever I wanted while I was...out of service) and I'm not going to cheat until I hit a ten pound mark, which will be 153 pounds.

OH! That reminds me! I almost forgot to tell you!

The gyno said that Lybrel makes it harder for you to lose weight, and that switching might help me lose it and keep it off! HAPPY!

Reverb 10: Try

December 18 Try


What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did/didn't go for it?

Well. In 2011 I would like to try to expand my sock knitting skills by adding a few new techniques to my repertoire. I am currently looking at a pattern for a gorgeous pair of knee socks that I am simply drooling to try! In fact, Scott wanted to buy me another Christmas present, so I casually pointed out what yarn I would need for them, and he bought it! I also went on Etsy the other day and bought a whole bunch of stitch markers.

So far, in sock knitting, I've done almost all in plain stockinette stitch. I like using dyed yarn and watching the color changes, and most of the time I think too much color variation plus a stitch pattern looks too busy. SO, I would like to try something more challenging. These new socks, being knee socks, will have shaping in the calf area instead of being the same width the whole length of the sock. The pattern involves some charts, which I've never used before, so I'll have to learn how to read those. It involves some lace, which will be a challenge, and has some new Japanese stitches that I've never used before. All in all, I think I'm insane to tackle this, but I'm ready to hone my skills (plus they're really pretty and I like wearing pretty socks).

As for trying something this past year, I tried to stay at 150 lbs. That didn't quite work out. I am glad I tried, though. I'm just that much closer to being able to change my habits and become healthy and fit. I'm going to try again this next year, and I have a good feeling about it. I think that, since Scott and I will be dieting together, we'll be more successful. It's so much harder to diet when other people around you aren't, so we will be there to support each other and help each other out when it gets hard.

Reverb 10: Appreciate

December 14 Appreciate


What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

There's JUST SO MUCH. There are so many amazing things I could choose from.

I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been very introspective lately (Reverb 10, anyone?), so I've been thinking about all the wonderful things in my life.

Also, I've been thinking a lot about food and dieting and such.

So I think for my one thing I will choose learning to eat right and maintain my weight.

Now I know, you're thinking, "Um, Anna, you kinda gained some weight back".

Well, yeah...but it wasn't until after I started slacking off. I stopped logging all my food and exercise on FatSecret. I let go of my No French Fries Rule. For months there I was at a stable weight, not going up or down. I'm convinced that if I can just get down to where I want to stay, I now have the know-how to stay there. And, honestly, I'm bordering on an eating disorder obsession with my body lately. I NEED to get thin. I need a therapist...

I've suffered from eating disorders most of my life. Seeing someone else enjoy a regular portion of a food, any food, without any associated emotion is enigmatic to me. I've always had something else going on in my mind when I eat. For a few months I felt like I had broken that horrible cycle. I felt like I was actually in control. And, not surprisingly, I felt beautiful.

I've spent this whole year studying about diet and exercise. I have all the facts. I just need to start using them.

So on December 26, Scott and I are going on a diet. We're going to encourage each other, eat meals together, and get busy doing stuff on the house so we're not tempted to sit around and eat. We are a good-looking couple, and when we're done you'll actually be able to tell!

Honestly, There Were More Marshmallows Than Fruit

I didn't have an opportunity to do a Thanksgiving post...oh, who am I kidding, I had many MANY opportunities, but almost my entire weekend was spent curled up on the couch with my favorite fuzzy purple blankie working on the blanket for Mim. I finished it ages ago, and it was too small, so I had asked Mim to expand the pattern for me, but she's so freaking busy that it didn't get done until I showed her what I had so far and she suggested I make it again and connect the two...but I'm going for broke and making four, and to make it fun I'm rotating what colors go where for each one. I made a spreadsheet. I love spreadsheets. We should get a room.

Anyway.

Lazy me.

At least my lazy times are still productive. I get blankets and socks and such out of it, so it's not a total waste of time.

So Thanksgiving. Usually Scott and I stay overnight a day or two at Mim's house, but Scott has allergies so in order to do that he has to be so totally stoned on all sorts of meds that it's not as fun. This year we decided to just head down to Mim's Thanksgiving morning and spend all day there. The holiday was spent cooking, eating, playing games, watching movies (do you know how adorable "Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs" is??), and just enjoying each other's company. No pressure, no schedules.

We ended up going to the store twice that morning because we kept forgetting things. One of them was butter, and there is just no way to do Thanksgiving without butter. Fortunately, I didn't have to make that trip...people in stores on holidays are generally freaking nuts.

We had our usual: turkey, cranberry sauce, marshmallow fruit salad, pie, more pie, mashed potatoes, butter corn, more marshmallow fruit salad...yum. Nothing weird. Everything was perfect. I do have a confession, though: I didn't eat any turkey. I wanted to have room for other, more important things, such as second portions of marshmallow fruit salad.

So that was about it. It was relaxing and awesome. I got to play with the baby and hug my brother and sisters. What more could I want?

So now for the cliche: a list of what I'm thankful for this year.

• Family. Duh.
• Especially Scott. Another duh.
• The miracle of modern medicine, which enables me to experience emotions I never could before, while keeping the totally crappy emotions in check.
• Egg nog. You knew it was coming.
• My fabulous job. I make more than I need doing something I love. How many people can honestly say that?
• My new kitchen, paid for with the money I make at my awesome job.
• The ability to not eat french fries for more than six months this past year. I think I should go back to not eating them...
• And on that note, I've been able to keep most of the weight I lost off. I am, however, mad at myself for gaining any of it back at all, but I'm continually working on making better food choices. Except when I'm not.
• Being completely totally done with my Christmas shopping so I didn't even have to leave my house on Black Freaking Friday, the day when nice, normal people turn into demons.

Life is good, you know?

So SAD, But My Cabinets Are Gorgeous

There are just a few completely unrelated things bouncing around in my head today that I'd like to share.

Let me tell you something about me: daylight savings time totally effs me up. As soon as we made the time change and it was suddenly dark outside at freaking SIX...my body went OH NO NO SUNLIGHT LET'S CRY FOREVER. Seriously. I've got a few personal things on my mind that are just weighing on me terribly, and when I went to the gym and instead of feeling skinny and empowered and beautiful like I usually do, I went home and when I took my clothes off to take a shower and I saw myself in the mirror and I just...lost it.

I feel like I've been busting my ass trying to lose weight and it just doesn't happen. I know I could definitely do better. I could go to the gym more often (although I've been doing three times a week or more consistently) (because I'm a total ROCK STAR). And I know I could be eating better. Confession: I've been eating french fries lately. I don't think this is a problem in and of itself, because I'm not eating them often at all. But, all things considered, I could be doing better to eat healthier. So even though I'm a lot better off that I was a few years ago, I still feel like a total failure. After doing the hCG diet and losing so much weight so quickly, it is KILLING me to lose one pound a week (or some weeks not lose any) (ok, most weeks not lose any). I want a quick fix. I want to wake up one day and just magically be a size 8. Or a 10. Whatever. I just want to feel better about myself than I do now, and I feel like that's always going to be connected to the number on the scale. I'm just...stuck.

I'm sure I'll feel better later, but for now that's what's going on in my nutty head.

So anyway, back to yesterday after my shower. I got dressed and called Mim with only the intent of complaining about the size of my derriere, but what really happened was everything that I had been putting to the back of my mind for the last few weeks just came flooding out and before I knew it I was bawling and just freaking out about everything at once and my poor mother, who is a saint, talked me down. We talked about some really important stuff and I just have to say that she's the best friend a girl could ever have. She lets me say whatever I need to and she never gets offended or judgemental or anything like that, just like I can talk to Kwiddens and have her be totally awesome. I have some really awesome people in my life, I really do.

So, here's the plan:
Keep exercising.
Keep taking happy pills.
Bust out my SAD light. It's this amazing nifty light that mimics sunlight, and you shine it on yourself in the morning for a little while every day and it helps with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) (it's awesome that it's called that, because oh look, it makes you sad).

Blargh. I hate being crazy. Moving on.

Scott has been working very very hard, coding like no nerd has coded before, for a few months, building a new system at work. He recently finished it, and everyone in the entire company, and all the customers, and all the members of the board have had nothing but praise for the system, and I am SO proud of him. He works so hard, and I'm so glad he's getting some recognition for that. He's smart AND handy! Also, he gets more PTO than I do and he has to use it up by the end of the year, so he has every Friday for the rest of the year off, plus extra days around Christmas and Thanksgiving. Jerk (he totally deserves it though).

Last weekend we installed our new cabinets, and they look AMAZING! Amazing as in, I walk up the stairs and go WHOA IS THAT REALLY MY KITCHEN?? I've been intending to post about it, on here and on Facebook, but the SAD has got me feeling unmotivated to do ANYTHING except work on Mim's blanket. And watch Battlestar Galactica. Again. Really, the idea of sitting down and blogging has seemed totally boring to me (yet, here I am...blogging). So I will post about it, I promise, I just don't know when.

The countertop dude is coming over tomorrow while Scott is at home (not at work...jerk) to take measurements, and then the following Friday we'll have countertops installed and we will have a FULLY FUNCTIONAL KITCHEN. Like, appliances plugged in and water turned on and everything. You have no idea how excited I am about this.

I think once the countertops are in I'm going to go through all my dishes and such and decide what to keep and what to donate and organize everything exactly where I want it, and put the silverware in the SILVERWARE DRAWER...I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but we didn't have a freaking silverware drawer before but now we do and it's the most awesomely epic thing EVER.

Then I plan on busting out the crock pot and learning to cook a bit. I'll actually have space to do it!

Now look. It's 7:30 and I'm so sleepy...stupid Daylight Savings Time. I wonder how long it's going to take me to adjust this time...and then I'll get to do it again in the spring. Oh, joy.

Chocolates, hCG, and Fog Machines, Oh My!

My favorite kind of chocolates are Queen Anne cherry cordials. Every year for Christmas someone in my family gets me a box, with the "e" scribbled out and replaced with an "a", which makes me the queen. I eat all of them in one day and it's delicious and amazing, but after I eat a whole box of them I'm sick of them and I don't want any more until next year.

I hate when people argue on Facebook. I got caught in the middle of an argument yesterday and it was mostly my fault...oops. This one involved someone ragging on the hCG diet, saying it doesn't work in the long run and it'll just make you unhealthy, etc. Well, let me tell you, I've kept 30 pounds off, my blood pressure and cholesterol went down, and now I can keep up with Scott while we're walking through a store. I can see how the weight would come back if you didn't change your eating and exercise habits, but I did and it's amazing. The end.

I ordered an industrial strength fog machine from Best Buy, and I chose (and paid for) the faster shipping. the website said it would be here by...YESTERDAY. They were supposed to send me an e-mail and charge my credit card when they shipped it, and I got neither an e-mail nor a charge. So last night I called customer service and tried to find out what was going on. I feel sorry for customer service people, because all they do all day is handle people's problems, and most of them aren't as polite as I am. Anyway. Even though it said nothing about it on the webpage, this item was special order through Best Buy from another company. The other company hadn't told Best Buy if they'd gotten the order or anything, so they were still in the dark. I'm mad. If, on the website, it says I will get my item by a specific day if I pay this much for shipping, I better get it then. As it stands, we may not get it at all before Halloween, which would totally suck.

THIS JUST IN:

I'm talking to Scott on messenger right now and he said Jon just told him a large package just arrived from Best Buy. I forgive them.

Work has been really slow lately. There are way fewer samples coming in from outside labs, so it's just our own every day, and it's not enough. I find myself killing time so I can get enough hours.

Me: Afternoon is the worst part of the day for me because everything is all done except I just have to wait for the machines to finish. And wait. And wait.
Kwiddens: Oh darn, you get paid to sit.
Me: I know, but I don't like waiting.
Kwiddens: Silly.

HOLY HELL I just got hit by a craving for Chinese food. I've had really intense cravings lately, and I don't know why.

The women at my new crochet group all do a different kind of crochet called Tunisian. It's almost a hybrid of knitting and crochet. I'm going to attempt to teach myself before we meet tonight.

Breaking Old Habits

Mim: How are you today?

Me: Down. Feeling fat and ugly. Want to eat everything.

Mim: You look so good. Try to figure out what's really bothering you.

I've been working really hard on separating eating from emotion. My entire life I've eaten when I was sad, bored, angry, happy; you name it, I ate for it. It doesn't help that every event seems to involve food. It also doesn't help when you have lots of beautiful, slender friends who can seemingly eat anything (and in any quantity) without gaining an ounce.

For reasons I won't go into here, the coping mechanism I developed during my childhood was eating. Eating, for me, filled a hole: an emotional hole.

As I've been taking charge of my mental health (both chemically and psychologically) I went through many steps in which I recognized, understood, accepted, and began to combat this need to eat unnecessarily. Let me tell you: it hasn't been easy. And it's not over yet.

I am getting to the point, however, that (most of the time...) I am able to think about what I eat and why I am eating it. I'm making better choices about what I eat and I am learning to eat until I am not hungry anymore, NOT until I am stuffed full.

But sometimes I get the overwhelming urge to just eat. Eat. EAT. And most of the time I stop, assess that urge, and try to figure out what emotion I'm experiencing and the reason for that emotion. But occasionally, like one time a few weeks ago, I can't fight it, and I end up eating all the creme off of the cookies in a whole box of Oreos (yes, just the creme, I'm a freak), and then I sit around feeling stupid and angry at myself for failing to resist the urge. But the frequency of these "binges" is getting lower and lower, so at least there's progress, right?

I'm actually proud of how far I've come. The other day my coworker filled the candy bowl in her office again with mini Butterfingers (my favorite) and I only ate one. Moments like that make me feel like I'm not a total failure and I can do this!

Now, all that being said, yesterday I ate Sour Skittles and a Milky Way Simply Caramel bar (heaven)...

200

Well, this is my 200th post.When I started this blog I was only posting a few things a month, and it was just about things that happened every now and then, and it's come very far from that. I talk about more than just my day-to-day life; I talk about my feelings and my struggles with food, exercise, and my weight. I talk about the things I make (though I haven't made much lately because I'm SO FREAKING ADDICTED to Plants vs. Zombies). I talk about things that scare or worry me. I talk about my family. I bring up a few old memories, of things good and bad. It's just MY space, and I feel more and more that I can do whatever I want here. There are a few things I probably won't talk about, since I'm trying to keep this at a PG or PG-13 level, but for the most part I'm becoming more open.

My favorite part of all this is the friends I've made out there in the internet. I love this little community that we've all worked so hard to build. I feel as if, just maybe, I'm finally contributing to it in a meaningful way. It's also a good way to keep in touch with old friends and family members. I love that Kwiddens reads this, and I wish I could get Mim to read it, but she's so freaking busy...oh well.

I'd like to think that my writing is getting better as well. Maybe. In high school I took AP English and Literature classes, testing out of freshman English and Composition classes in college, so except for the occasional paper here and there in my generals, I haven't written properly since high school. I know this doesn't count as writing properly, like writing research papers and essays, but I think that this is a good exercise in learning to describe my world more accurately, and more colorfully, and that's worth something.

I had journals when I was little, but I stopped writing in them because Kwiddens would read them and then make fun of me for something I had written, and back then I couldn't handle that. It's really a shame because I know there are a lot of things that I wish I had written down back when they were fresh in my mind. I started keeping a journal on my laptop freshman year of college, and I had a blog then as well, but Mim and I had a huge fight over something I had said on my blog (I told the world she was crazy, and it was true, but she hadn't come to terms with it or gotten medication yet so that didn't go over too well), so I threw a hissy fit and deleted it (yay, maturity) (I was 17) (I can't believe how dumb I was when I was 17) (or even 18), and of course I wish I hadn't because that was almost an entire year of my thoughts, just gone. As for the journal I kept on my laptop, an ex-boyfriend hacked into it and read all of it behind my back...that relationship didn't end well. Soon after that my laptop was stolen so it was all gone anyway, and someone, somewhere, knows all my secrets. Awesome.

Anyway, that's a roundabout way of saying that this is something I've done before, but I think now I'm finally doing it right. I do censor myself a little, but it's not because I'm afraid someone or other will stumble across this blog and find out that I hate them anymore. Now, it's because there are people I care about that do read this and I would love for them to continue reading this unoffended.

I really feel now that this is my space. Mine. I can say whatever I want here, and I know that the people that read this either know me personally and love me no matter what (because I'm super awesome) (or something) or they don't know me personally and live far far away and if I say something that they don't want to read they can just stop reading. Everyone wins. I think I've come a long way from where I started...two years ago there's no way in hell I would have told anyone I was bipolar, but I've changed so much.

That's something else I enjoy about blogging. I can go backward in time and see what I wrote months, or even years, ago, and see how things have progressed. I can go back and reminisce about the way things were once upon a time, and that's why I sincerely regret that I stopped journaling and blogging before.

But I'm fixing that, as much as it can be fixed, anyway.

Anyway, I love blogging, and I love my bloggy friends, and that's about it. Now let's see how long it takes me to get to 300.

It's Just Wednesday

Once upon a time I was driving on the road between Spanish Fork and Salem (and keep in mind there is only ONE road between the two) and in front of me was a driver who was clearly drunk (I guess I could give him/her the benefit of the doubt; perhaps he was in a diabetic coma), swerving around and almost running off the road and such. I called 911 to report him, and they answered:

911: 911 Emergency, what City?

Me: In between Spanish Fork and Salem

911: What's your emergency?

Me: There's a drunk driver. It's pretty bad, he's going to kill somebody.

911: Ok, where are you driving?

Me: On the road that is Main Street in Spanish Fork and then leaves town going south toward Salem.

911: What is the name of the street?

Me: I have no idea. I'm not from around here, I just know it's the only main road between the two towns.

911: Well I'm going to need you to tell me what road it is.

Me: Seriously, I have no freaking idea. Don't you have a map or something? There's just this one road, and I don't know what it's called.

911: Well you need to find out what road it is so we can send someone out.

Me: You're incompetent. I hope this guy kills someone and it's all on you.

*Click*

I'm going to hell.

Yesterday I was driving home from work and it happened again, although this time I suspect this person was texting or something because for a minute he would be all over the road, and then for another minute he would drive in a perfectly straight line, and then back to swerving. I considered calling 911 and reporting him, but last time I tried this nobody seemed to care so I just watched him, half amused, half angry that he was endangering other people. He came close to broadsiding cars a few times...

Utah drivers, I tell ya.

Anyway.

I've been so exhausted the last few weeks. I have no idea what's going on. I find myself taking caffeine pills almost every morning, but even with those I'm walking around in a fog. The only thing I can think of is that maybe my allergies are making it hard to sleep effectively, and Utah's pollen count has been extremely high lately. Whatever it is, I'm tired of being tired.

I'm really proud of how well I've been doing on my diet. What's really nice is that I'm not denying myself something that I want. Instead, I'm just budgeting for it in my calories for the day. I am in love with fun-size Butterfingers, and my boss is getting the lab pizza today for lunch and I'm going to indulge but be reasonable about it.

Something I like about Utah is an extra pointless holiday: Pioneer Day. I get work off on Friday because of this, and I am ok with that. Unfortunately, Scott doesn't get it off because he's pretty much indispensable. That's good for job security, but bad for wanting days off. I will sleep in and relax all day, and when he goes to work I'll just laugh at him. In a nice way.

That's about all there is. It's just a regular Wednesday and I'm here at work and there's nothing else to report for the moment.

Our Pie Tradition

A few weeks ago Mim called me and asked me if I wanted to go on a road trip with her. There was a family reunion on July 17, and she wanted to go, but that was a little suspicious, because she'd never shown a desire to go to a reunion before. The truth was, her mother told her that if she came to the reunion she would give Mim her father's old band saw. This was very appealing to her, so we decided to go. We figured the worst that could happen would be if the reunion sucked and we left early, and even then we would still get a road trip out of the thing.

Road trips with Mim are always fun. She is one of the only people I have in my life that I can say anything to-absolutely anything-and I know she will take me seriously and never get offended. Sometimes I even tell her things I wouldn't tell Scott. So when we go on these trips, we talk and talk and talk. And when we're finished talking for a while, we're completely comfortable with each other, enough to sit in silence and just think to ourselves.

We always get junky food, but this time I planned on eating healthy instead, so I packed some sandwiches and carrot sticks and flavored waters in a cooler. The second we started driving, though, we decided FORGET THAT, we're just going to eat junk. The cool thing is that we've both been working on our eating habits, so even though we ate badly, we didn't eat as much as we normally do, and we made sure we had something healthy every day, like a giant salad at a truck stop (somehow truck stops always have the best salads. It's a mystery). So as soon as we started driving Friday afternoon we decided we wanted tacos, so we went to Del Taco and got a fiesta pack, and off we went!

We were cruising along, planning on getting to Sandpoint around 10:00 p.m., and then BOOM. Huge traffic jam:


It turns out a semi had crashed pretty badly-there were even news crews there. Whatever happened, we were sitting in 5 mph traffic for about an hour, so the driving time increased there.

We finally got out of it and started moving, and we drove and drove and we got to Pocatello. We had to "powder our noses" so we decided to stop, and we found a gas station. Mim started putting gas in the van and I went inside, and came straight back out because there wasn't a bathroom. Suck. So we went looking for another one, and we came across ISU, which is where Mim started going to school way back when. We went into the student union and used the bathrooms and then we decided to look around. We were going to go to the bookstore to get candy and an ISU shirt for Mim, and their bookstore was closed, so we were mad. We really wanted that candy. But we got over the disappointment, and walked around campus more. We found the physical sciences building:

Where we wandered around to see if we could find the math department. We didn't, but we did look at some of the chemistry labs and they were just so quaint compared to BYU's. We then left the building and as we crossed the street we ran into a man that Mim recognized as one of her math professors from 20 years ago! She remembered him, but he didn't remember her, which is understandable because he's had thousands of students over the years, but they had a nice little chat and then we went on our way (after adding another hour onto the trip).

We decided we still had a desperate need for candy, so we drove around until we found another gas station. We got our candy and then at the register we decided to buy a lottery ticket for a dollar just for fun (Utah doesn't have any lottery tickets for whatever weird reason):

and we didn't know how to use it so we messed it up:

and then we just scratched all of it off to see if we would have won anything if we had done it correctly and of course we wouldn't have won, so we just got five minutes of fun for a dollar and that was that.

We then drove around Pocatello for a little while and we found the old house we had lived in and it looked very different, and we found where I went to kindergarten:

Pretty cool!

Then we went on our way. We drove for many more hours and finally the candy wore off and we got incredibly hungry so we found a truck stop at around 11:30 p.m. and we had salads. The dressing came in these little pitchers, which I found amusing, so I took a picture:

You'd be amazed at what amuses you that late at night, especially after a sugar crash.

We then decided to call it a night and just finish the drive in the morning, so we blew up an air mattress in the back of Mim's van and put tons of pillows and blankets back there and we just drove over to a dark corner of the parking lot and went to sleep.

In the morning on Saturday we woke up, got more snacks ( I had a cherry pie for breakfast) and started driving again. We got into some really beautiful scenery as we started to get into more of the mountains:

We got to Sandpoint, and while we were driving around looking for a good bathroom where I could wash my hair, we came across Dub's, which is where Mim had her very first job when she was a teenager, so of course we had to stop and take a picture:

After that we drove around until we found a McDonald's because they always have really nice bathrooms with nice big sinks, and I washed my hair (I was a total slob, so this was a very good idea) and we changed into our cute family reunion clothes, and then we had a little snack and we were back on the road. We had to cross a mile-long bridge at one point that goes over a very deep glacial lake, and being over deep water scares me A LOT so I was kinda cringing, and then Mim made it worse by telling me about 20-foot sturgeon that live in the bottom of that lake and then I was all freaked out that the bridge was going to collapse, we would fall in the water and the giant fish would eat us and it would be a horrible death. We did make it safely across the bridge, but I couldn't stop thinking about scary giant fish, especially because she also told me about some divers over in Japan. Three divers went down into very very deep water (it was an exploratory dive) and only one of them made it back up, and he was so freaked out he wouldn't tell anyone what had happened except that there were giant Koi that deep and I assume they ate the other two and now I am afraid of fish. Awesome.

Moving on.

We got to Riley Creek and we had an awesome reception, since nobody knew we were coming and Mim hadn't been to one of these things for like 20 years and I had never been to one at all. It was very funny to hear Mim called "Cousin Barbi" because to me and everyone else I know she's just "Mim" and I forget that that's her name (and yes, she did date a guy named Ken once, but it was only one date). There was food, but nothing looked good so all I ate was a cookie, but I wasn't really hungry so that was ok. I sat around and talked to a lot of people I had never met, and some of them were ok but I am sad to say that most of them were very rude, very racist people. I don't understand how anyone can be racist in this day and age, and I'm embarrassed that it's my extended family, but I suppose that's just the way it is. Sad. But I didn't want to start any fights (and there have been fights in the past, actual fistfights) so I just kept my mouth shut until it was over and Mim and I got in the car and then we talked for a long time about how horrible it is that people still think like that.

After the food I swam in the lake. It was disgusting. I like pools. There's chlorine in pools, and you can see the bottom, and there are no creatures. Lakes have mud and plants and fish and slime and it was gross and gross and gross, but I got over it. My uncle Mike was kind enough to let me take a shower at his house after we all went back to Dub's to get ice cream (I had a hot fudge malt, my favorite ever), so I didn't have to be forever contaminated with nasty lake water.

At one point my cousin Mark congratulated me on my upcoming wedding and I was confused and said "I'm already married..." and apparently he had thought I was 17 and I was going to get married. And then later in the day I was teasing one of my little cousins and I said "Well I'm a grownup and you're not" and Mike was like, "You're not grown up, you just think you are" and I said "I'm pretty sure I am. I have a degree, I've been married for three years, I own a house and two cars, I have a professional full-time job..." at which point he said, "Wait, how old are you?" I told him 24 and he said that he had thought I was 16. So apparently, I have a baby face. I suppose someday I will appreciate this, but for now I want people to think I'm an adult, not a teenager.

The final festivities were finally over around midnight, when we left and started the drive back. We got as far as Cour D' Alene when we decided to sleep. We were so tired out that we slept very very well and when we woke up in the morning we went to the same diner we had gone to last time we made this trip and had breakfast, and then pie, because it's a tradition to have pie at a diner every time we make a trip. The cool thing was, we had the exact same waitress that we had last time.

The pie was delicious, and then we started driving again. There were lots of rest stops and munchies stops and we stopped to have dinner, but other than that we just drove and drove and drove. We were getting very close to my house when we hit ANOTHER TRAFFIC JAM. For crying out loud. Just when we're exhausted and totally ready to be home and almost there, we had to sit in traffic for another hour.

I did make it home, though, so I went straight to sleep and then got up bright and early Monday morning to go to work. I'm surprised I didn't fall asleep at my desk. I'm still recovering, but it was totally worth it because Mim and I had so much fun.

Something funny: we forgot the band saw.

Making Lunches

Lately, as you know Scott and I have been trying to be healthier. So, in order to cut down on our calories (and spending, as well) we've been packing our lunches instead of going out. We take turns every day and it's working out very well.

I may have mentioned at some point Scott's allergy to peanuts (among the many other things he's allergic to). When he was making me a lunch the other day, he made me a special paper towel and stashed it in my lunch bag so I would find it the next day:



I laughed out loud at work...he also labeled my sandwich bag:

He's such a goofball. I love it. He knows how to amuse me and make me smile, and that is a very important thing in a marriage, in my opinion.

Ramble Ramble Ramble

Tuesday we came home and there were weird red spots on the carpet in the living room. It was pretty late so we didn't worry about it until the next day. It turns out, Buster threw up his (red) dog food all over, and then ate it, so all that was left were smelly red spots. Fabulous. So Wednesday Scott went and rented a RugDoctor, and we cleaned the spots the best we could, and even though it didn't get the stain out the nasty junk was out of the carpet so we were ok with it and we returned the cleaner and went to bed.

We got up in the morning and everything seemed fine, and we both headed off to work. When we got home and opened the door the stench was overwhelming...bleh. I think the RugDoctor just kinda spread around the nast instead of totally sucking it up, and to top it all off it didn't pull out enough of the water in the carpet, so it got mildewy and gross and smelly (so pleasant) while it was "drying"...so that was a complete waste of $30.

So today we called around and found a guy who could do the whole room and the stairs for $50, which is a pretty awesome deal, and he was able to come over an hour and a half after we called, which was also awesome. So, now our carpet is very very clean and smells NICE. He even got the traffic spots out.

Moral of the story?

RugDoctors suck. A lot. Don't bother.

Today I was reading some chemistry history (nerdy...) and I was talking to Scott about it and I was saying how if there's an afterlife with a heaven or maybe even a Chemist Heaven (and when I said that Scott about died from laughter...) the guys up there must be like, "I told you and you guys totally didn't believe me!" and they must feel so...vindicated. What a nice feeling. Good job, Avogadro.

I am getting better at playing Plants vs. Zombies. If you haven't played this game you MUST. It is SO MUCH FUN and SO CUTE and THE PLANTS HAVE FACES. I mean, come on. What other game lets you throw butter and popcorn kernels at a zombie to kill it?

Scott and I are now both on fatsecret.com. It's a daily food and exercise diary that keeps track of calories, portion sizes, and all the exercise you do. If you're dieting, it's definitely worth checking out. We're both in love with it. Scott's phone even has an app for it, so when he scans in a bar code on whatever food he's eating it automatically logs it in his food diary. Very cool.

Mim and I are going to go to a family reunion up in Sandpoint, ID later this month. We'll see how that turns out...either way we'll get a band saw out of the deal (more explanation later). The fam is also coming up to our house for July 4 for fooding, a movie, and fireworks (the little baby ones that are legal in this horrible state).

There were several other things I thought about today that I wanted to write about but I've completely forgotten them. I suppose that's what I get for not writing things down.

10 Reasons

Here are ten reasons I love Scott:

1. He squishes spiders for me when they attack me in the shower.

2. He lets me buy yarn whenever I want.

3. He's dieting with me. Go Team!

4. He can tell what mood I'm in before even I know what mood I'm in and he knows how to make the bad moods go away (or at least get a little happier).

5. He squishes spiders for me when they attack me from behind the couch.

6. He doesn't let me carry heavy things.

7. He does the dishes when I leave for the weekend.

8. He likes spending time with me, even if we're just grocery shopping.

9. He picks the peas (that he's allergic to) out of casseroles so we can get the ones I want to eat.

10. He squishes spiders for me when they attack me in our bedroom.

This, of course, is not a comprehensive list. I just like things in multiples of ten.

The spider in the shower this morning was one of those giant, really fat, hairy, black ones.

Aspartame

So I was in Wal-Mart yesterday doing some grocery shopping. Scott and I are trying to be healthier, so we were picking out light yogurt-the kind that's fat-free and has artificial sweeteners in it. So I was picking some out and telling Scott how that yogurt has fewer calories and no fat so it's better for you and good for digestion, and a man nearby turned to me and said, "May I add something?" I expected him to chime in and agree with me that it was a healthier choice, so I said "Sure". He pointed to the word "aspartame" and (pronouncing it incorrectly) said "Aspartame is really bad for you."

I restrained myself. I just said "I have a degree in chemistry and I don't agree with you". And then I walked away. I said it as politely as I could with a smile on my face.

Here's what I wanted to say:

The only study that has ever shown an artificial sweetener to cause cancer was many years ago in California. Not only have those results never been replicated since, but the original "results" of the study were on rats, anyway.

Now let's pretend..I mean assume...that aspartame does have a teensy tiny chance of causing cancer.

Even if this assumption is true, the risk is far overshadowed by the damaging effects of eating too many refined sugars and too many calories. I mean, come on. Obesity, which is caused by too many calories in the first place, causes coronary diseases and diabetes. It's a walking death sentence, and it cuts quality of life drastically. Trust me, I know. I was obese, technically, and I was always sick, always tired, always physically miserable in some way or another and it was horrible.

Now let's take a look at diabetes. If a person eats too much sucrose (table sugar) he or she risks developing type 2 diabetes. If this person instead indulges in naturally sweet items containing glucose and fructose (plant sugars), these sugars have a less pronounced effect on blood sugar. This effect has been shown to be directly related to the development of diabetes. Artificial sweeteners, like plant sugars, also have a less pronounced effect on blood sugar (as do sugar alcohols, in case you were wondering), and so are a better option than table sugar in that regard.

So let's recap. Aspartame (and sucralose, and saccharin, etc.) offers a person with a sweet tooth the option of having something delicious that has fewer calories and a less pronounced effect on blood sugar.

Let's see. If I have the choice of eating something healthier that has a 0.0000000000001% chance of causing me cancer vs. something with more sugar that will give me diabetes and gain weight, am I going to choose the artificial sweetener?

Hell yes.

Edited to add: Recent studies, however, have been showing more and more that aspartame makes your body hold on to fat more tightly. Therefore, since writing this, I've stopped drinking diet soda. But it still doesn't cause cancer!!!

Deck Party, Part 5

So, I'm sorry for the long silence about our giant deck project. We were on a roll, and then it rained for like two weeks straight! After that we just felt a little...procrastinatey.

But finally I convinced Scott that I really wanted a deck and he decided to work on it some more. All that was left were the railings and the fascia. Scott spent quite a lot of time on the railings, and they turned out very well!

Here's Scott working on one of the posts:

Putting the balusters into the railings:

After it was all done (on the main part of the deck; the stairs will take a full weekend themselves) he let me (very ceremonially) put on the last post cap:

Ignore my muffin top and look at the new me: ONLY 150 POUNDS.

So the main part of the deck is finished! It looks so nice, and it's nice and spacious and I am really excited to get a little bistro set and sit outside, sipping something sweet and cold and doing something fun with yarn!

Doesn't it look relaxing?

Mim's Room

This past Memorial Day weekend, aside from dying Em's hair Mim and I spent hours and hours and hours talking and talking and talking and brainstorming and plotting and planning and we decided to paint Mim's room.


This seems to happen a lot. We will be talking about something totally random and all of a sudden we decide to paint a room in Mim's house! This time we needed to do Mim's room, because we're trying to create a sanctuary for her in there where she can go sit down and lock the door and think happy thoughts involving the happy colors her walls will be.


So every time this happens, Mim has already chosen a color to match the "mood" she is trying to create. It's always a very specific mood, or a feeling...it's hard to describe. Anyway, she has already attempted to pick colors, and sometimes she has already bought a little sample color and painted swatches on the walls, and sometimes she has already painted the entire room and it has turned out terribly in either case, so I have to step in.


So next we head down to the hardware store down in Payson, where we start browsing for colors. We pretty much start from scratch because I am WAY better at this than she is. So we spend about an hour looking at colors and I make lots and lots and lots of suggestions with different combinations and make sure every suggestion coordinates with the pillowcases we brought with us to make sure everything in the room matches.


Finally, after bickering and lots of "Well, um, hmmm, I'm not sure...maybe?" I suddenly hit on The Perfect Combination Of Colors, and the heavens open and you can hear angels singing really awesome rock songs.


So this time we picked this very serene pale blue (with just the teeniest bit of green mixed in) and a slightly darker version of the same color, but with just a teensy bit more green than the light color, and the dark color is going on one wall and the alcove above her bathroom and the light color is going everywhere else.


I tried to take a picture, but the best part of this whole process is that we don't decide to do this until the hardware store is about to close, and by the time we get home it's dark, and we stay up very very late painting, until we are all giggly and we finally collapse into bed and pass out.


So, here are some pictures, some taken in the dark, so you can't actually tell what colors they are so I'm really not sure why I bothered but I love putting pictures here, so there.



Now, Mim has a really nice room with all sorts of architecturally interesting bits, and one of these is this cool alcove above her bathroom. This was definitely the fun part to paint, especially because by the time we got there we were already in the giggly tired phase.


So the only way we could paint it was to climb up there!



At one point she needed to turn around so she could paint the other end of the alcove, and the alcove is only about 2.5 feet wide, so turning around involved some giggle-inducing acrobatics:



We only ended up getting only one coat of just the darker color done before we were so tired we decided to finish later. Which we didn't. So it still isn't finished, and probably won't be until I get the chance to drive down there for another weekend.


The awesome part is, we needed painting snacks, and since we're trying to be healthy we made our own salad. It has romaine, raspberries and blackberries and strawberries, and pineapple (which didn't end up fitting in with the rest of the fruits) and grapes and black olives and poppy seed dressing and OH BOY was it good, so of course I took a picture.



Just try to tell me that doesn't look like a bowl full of heaven.

A Slave To Food No More

So several months ago I decided not to eat burgers or fries ever again. I haven't! I feel awesome about that.

So I'm pretty much down to a normal, healthy size now and I want to stay here, and maybe even lose more.

It's time to add more foods to my never again list.

I'm adding donuts, and I'm thinking about extending the french fry rule and just saying no potatoes. All they are is starch starch starch and from everything I've read they have a high glycemic index and aren't as good for you as whole grain starches. I think this would actually be easy, since I don't eat potatoes that much unless I go out and get them with a steak, and the past several times I have done that I have gotten extra vegetables instead of potatoes anyway, so it wouldn't be a big adjustment.

I am also going to change my "diet soda most of the time" rule to "diet soda all the time". I don't need the empty calories, and most of the time I like the taste of the diet version better anyway. I'm going to limit the soda to twice a week, which is more than I usually have anyway. In addition, I am drinking much more water, usually 3-4 liters a day.

With all the water I'm drinking, and the extra fiber supplements I'm taking, I find that I'm not as hungry lately and it takes less food to fill me up.

I'm not going to eat junky breakfast cereals any more. I'm sticking to oatmeal, bran flakes, granola, or shredded wheat. And when I eat bread I'm going to switch to wheat.

I just desperately want to stay where I am with my weight. I had a bad day yesterday because I woke up and I had gained half a pound, and this morning it was gone (I assume I was retaining water for some reason), and I know half a pound seems like no big deal but it adds up quickly. Trust me. If I gained the weight back again I honestly don't know if I could even deal with it...I'm afraid of what would happen and what I would do if I ever got there again.

I think that by telling the internet I will be more motivated to stick with it because I don't want to have to confess that I ate junk food at some point.

I also used my lunch break to exercise yesterday and I feel pretty good about that as well.

I really want to do this.

In No Particular Order

Just some thoughts:

The new girl that works in the micro lab is way nicer than the old one.

One time when I was really little (6 I think) I bit Kwiddens on the nose and then lied to Mim and said "Kristen bit her nose!" and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how she knew it was me...

I like weighing only 150 lbs.

I love making this blanket so much that I want to design more squares to go on it so it will be bigger and take me longer to make. Scott thinks it's hideous, but Mim will love it!

When I went to the prom senior year of high school I wore a dress from the 1920's. I looked amazing. The restaurant we went to was called "The Victorian Tearoom" and it was exactly what it sounds like.

I got french vanilla cappuccino at Maverik this morning but when I got to work and started drinking it, it turned out they had put the wrong mix in the machine and it was pumpkin spice flavored. It wasn't bad, it was just not what I wanted and expected. I drank it anyway, because I took Nyquil last night and I was feeling terribly groggy this morning and needed to perk up.

I recently undertook the giant task of cleaning my office at work. When I inherited it almost two years ago it was stuffed to the brim with junk and dust and old samples...now all the books and records are organized, shelves are dusted off, the old broken chair is gone, the samples are in nice little boxes, and I got rid of the really old random crap that was in my desk drawers and taking up space in my cupboards.

All I want right now is a nap.

I got overwhelmed one day last week and snapped at my boss and I apologized profusely and I think we're ok now but I can't stop thinking about it and feeling horrible that I said what I said in the tone I said it in, but more that I lost control at work. I'm usually good about containing my crazy and keeping it away from work so people there will like me and think I'm sane, but last week I just...I feel terrible about it. I also feel disappointed in myself for even getting overwhelmed. Normally I am invincible superchemist and no matter how many samples they throw at me I still get them done quickly with a smile on my face. I think part of the problem was that someone came in and asked me to do a large project soonish, and I said OK, and then not even five minutes later someone else came in and said that the project was more of an ASAP thing than a soonish thing and I just felt like I hadn't even had time to look at the project before someone else was asking about it.

TGIF.

I have that weird restless feeling again. It might have to do with the Nyquil.

Anniversary Time!

So Scott and I have now been married for three years. Our anniversary was this past Tuesday, May 11.


These three years have been amazing and crazy and happy and sad and stressful and peaceful and always an adventure.


When we first got married we were broke, I was sick, and my family was exploding. Yet Scott stood there with me. He laughed when I laughed, held me when I cried, and took me to the doctor time after time until we figured out what was going on.


After things with my family calmed down and I found a job (and stopped getting sick-turns out anxiety can physically cripple you), things got really good. Scott and I were still learning about each other and learning to live with each other.


We made smart decisions and we were careful. We dreamt of so many wonderful things for our future together, and soon we began to make them all come true. We bought a house, we got a dog, we started living. Actually living.


My family is still insane and dramatic, and I'm still a basket case, but I'm properly medicated now (WOO) and so we have gotten into this rhythm where we are almost always perfectly in sync with what we want and how we feel. And we always love each other dearly.


Scott is one of the most wonderful people I have ever met. He is kind and caring, never selfish and always generous. He has always put me, my health, and my happiness first, even though I don't ask that he do so. He's goofy and sweet and just seeing him smile makes my day. He's strong, physically and emotionally, and he's been there for me whenever I need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on.


He treats me like a queen and values my opinions at the same time. I'm his sweetheart and his equal, in perfect harmony. We have inside jokes and favorite shows we quote at each other all the time. We jokingly make fun of each other, and in our family that means "I love you".


It's been a good three years, even through the bad times.


Here's to another three years. And three more after that. Etc.


So here's the stack of anniversary presents I got from my Amazon wish list as per tradition:




There was also some Vanilla Lace lotion from Victoria's Secret, but I forgot to put it in the picture. The funny thing was, even though Scott ordered "The Pursuit of Happyness" with Will Smith, they sent us this weird old movie called "The Pursuit of Happiness", and when we asked for an exchange, they just gave us our money back and told us to keep it. So Scott re-ordered that one for me.


We went to a nice dinner at Corbin's, a more upscale steakhouse close to us. The atmosphere was fun, our server was amazing, and I just felt like it was an extra special meal. We got some amazing crab stuffed mushrooms:



And since I'm on the no carbs phase of the diet I could only stare longingly at this:

Sourdough. Oh yes.


But the most special part of this anniversary was the real present Scott got me:

New wedding rings with more sparklies! And check out that paper cut on my middle finger. Oh yes.

So Slow...

I feel like nothing is going on, but that's not completely true...it just seems like the same things are just still happening and taking their sweet time to do it.

For example, Scott is still working on getting the car prepped to paint. He's pretty sure that he'll be ready for it this coming weekend, so I'm going down to Mim's so I don't have to sit around and smell the fumes. Although that might actually be fun, after I get over the lightheadedness... Either way it just seems like this stage has been going on for soooo looong, but Scott is back to full time now at work and we have so many other things going on, so really he's going along at a fast pace.

Another thing is the renovation. Our next phase is the back door and the deck. We've gone to Home Depot and planned and prepared our order, and we were going to buy it soon but it turns out if we wait until May 1 there's an extra discount on the decking, and we need it since we're going with the nice stuff. So we're waiting until then, and in the meantime we're still waiting on our building permit...we put in the rest of our plans last week and we're impatient for it to be approved.

I've also been dragging my feet on the baby blanket for Kwiddens...it has been all done except weaving the ends for months now...I think...anyway, I hate weaving in ends so I kept putting it off, and now here I am, with her baby shower this coming Saturday, and I have all these ends to weave in...I worked on it tonight for about an hour and a half, and I think if I do that every night this week I can have it done by Thursday night. After that, Kwiddens asked me to make her socks to wear to the hospital when she goes into labor, but frankly, I'm all socked out, so I think I'm going to ask her if I can make them later just as a regular present for no specific occasion...

Because: I found a pattern for a blanket that I really really really want to make, and I caved and ordered the yarn for it, and it should be here any day...oh I'm bad.

But, things are getting done. This past weekend Scott and I did yard work, organized and cleaned the spare room, which is the car parts room for now, and did some spring cleaning inside the house.

I know things will get going soon, but I'm just so impatient!

Plus, there were leftover lemon poppyseed muffins in my coworker's office today and they were very tempting. I've also been craving chocolate, which is weird, because that's never been a craving I've had on a regular basis, but I blame the hCG.