Reverb 10: Moment

December 3 Moment

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

Wow. What a question. How do I even begin to answer this? How many moments this year did I feel alive? Hundreds? Thousands? Who knows.

I can think of one thing, though. It happens every year.

I feel so alive during the first snow of the season. It's been crisply autumn for a while, and when you walk outside you smell the dying leaves (which are delightfully crunchy), and there's that magical October sort of feeling in the air...and then I smell it: snow. I can smell it before it comes; sometimes I can smell it before it's even visible on the horizon. I can't explain it. I can't even describe it. It smells like...snow. Maybe it's my sixth sense.

I feel alive when I step outside and smell that smell, and feel a little bit of a bite as the wind hits my cheeks, nose, and ears. I feel alive when I feel snowflakes first begin to fall, palms outstretched. I love the way the sunlight turns slightly blue, and the mountains barely show for all the snow, the white and gray blending into the cloudy sky.

Then, I feel alive at dusk when the streetlights and the setting sun reflect off of the crystals and everything sparkles. I feel alive, and I feel like there are still beautiful things in this world, and most importantly, I feel that God loves me and maybe this first snow is just for me, to breathe new life into my body and soul before my world plunges into deep winter, bringing darkness with it.

Reverb 10: One Word

December 1 One Word.

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

2010: Tranquility

I choose this word because this year things have been very smooth for me. Well, relatively smooth. I haven't had to worry much about finances or major health issues or unexpected, negative sorts of things. I've kept up on my meds and I've felt very calm and peaceful 99% of the time. I've also come to a good spiritual balance, where I've more or less decided what I believe and I finally feel guiltless about it.

2011: Progress

I hope to make progress in 2011 only on one thing: my eating habits. Oh, and keeping my weight down. So two things. But I think that will be the most challenging thing for me this upcoming year. And I really do feel optimistic that I can keep changing things for the better. I also hope to bring Scott along with me. I love that feeling: hope. I intend to keep it.

Vacationy Things

So these past few weeks have been quite busy! On Wednesday the 8th I picked Li up at the airport. I left for work the next morning and didn't see her before I left. She and Scott hung out all day on Thursday (Scott was able to get more days off than I did) and when I got home we talked and made dinner and watched videos on YouTube. It was just really relaxing and fun. Friday she was picked up by a friend, and she spent the next several days with friends in Provo, and then with her sister in Plymouth.

The following Friday, the 17th, I had taken the day off work so I got up in the morning, went to the gym (and got a great workout in!) and then went to pick Li up in Plymouth. Scott suggested we go to Maddox for lunch, so he came along with me. Lunch was SO TASTY. We almost never go there, since it's such a long drive, but it was on the way home from Li's sister's house. I had forgotten how good their rolls were! I ate WAY too much, but we only go there every couple of years so it's totally ok, right?

When we all got home from that Li and I hunkered down on the couch with munchies and watched movies for the rest of the night. Saturday morning I brought Li along with me to the gym, then we showered and headed down to Salt Lake for the State Fair. We went first thing in the morning, so there weren't too many people, and we didn't have to wait in line for anything until we were about to leave. It was pretty hot, but there were shady spots where we could sit down so it wasn't too bad. We had put on sunscreen, but both of us forgot our chests, so now I have this weird sunburn with my purse strap across it.

I was really excited about fair food. A fair is like the one chance I get all year to eat cotton candy and funnel cake (although we didn't end up getting either of those; we settled on fresh mini-donuts with sugar, a slushie, gyros (the best I've ever had, I think), and fudge). We rode rides, too, which was very fun! I forgot how much fun it is to act like a kid. I also forgot how nauseating some of those rides were...my stomach could handle more than Li's, though, so when Li wanted a rest I would go ride one she didn't want to ride (she doesn't like up and down ones where she feels like she's falling). After we had been there about four hours I was definitely done. I was tired, hot, sick, and thirsty. We headed on home and got frozen custard from Nielsen's on the way, and when we got home it was JAMMIE TIME! and we sacked out on the couch for the rest of the night, watching more movies and some Bones.

Sunday morning Li wanted to go to church, and I didn't want her to have to go alone, so I went along. We went to the building that's only a few blocks from us. Since I'm a heathen, I had no idea what time church was supposed to start, but everywhere I've lived there has been a meeting at 9:00, so I figured that was a safe assumption. Well, there was a meeting at 9:00, but it was a Tongan ward...oops. We figured we were already there, so we stayed. The service was half in English, half in Tongan, which, it turns out, is a very pretty, melodic sort of language. There was a translator, so we weren't totally in the dark, but it felt a little awkward all the same.

We came home, changed back into pajamas, and set up a LAN. For the rest of the day the three of us played Warcraft 3 (nerdy!), since it's sort of a tradition that we play every time Li visits.

Monday we slept in, then watched more Bones while we waited for it to be time for our SPA APPOINTMENTS, OH YES. We went to a spa I had never been to before, but will definitely visit again, because for only $65 we got our hands, feet, backs, arms, and faces massaged and exfoliated and steamed...we were soft like buttah. We smelled good, too! After that we went to Zupas for lunch, where we had the most awesome salads and sandwiches, and we even split a brownie, but it wasn't as tasty as it looked. When we got home we decided that we should watch Pride And Prejudice (the BBC version), so we started that, and we were only half watching it while we talked about boys and such. Around 7:00 the three of us decided we were hungry, so we went to Olive Garden for dinner, and then when we got home we finished our movie and then went to bed.

Tuesday morning I drove Li to the airport, after which I went to Nyah's three-month doctor appointment with Kwiddens and Isaac. Poor Nyah had to get shots, and she was NOT happy about it. We all went to lunch, and then at that point I was really starting to feel sick, so I headed home and napped.

So that was my mini-vacation with Li. It was really fun, and so nice to see her, and now the next time I see her will probably be next summer, when I'll fly out to Boston for a change.

Other, semi-related or un-related things:

Taking three days off work is apparently a really really bad idea, since I came back to utter chaos and a giant pile of samples. I'm not even close to caught up. It doesn't help that we had people cleaning in the lab today, so we didn't have use of the hood until around noon (usually I start working in there around 9:00...so you can see how far behind I was). I'm sure I'll get a lot more done tomorrow, and I'll probably be completely caught up.

I've been slowly getting sick over the past week or so. Whatever it was, it hit Scott and Jon much harder than it hit me, thank goodness. I think it's just a mild flu, but I really lucked out, since all I have is a very sore throat, a stuffy/runny nose, and body aches. I can deal with that and still go to work.

Buster desperately needs a bath, but I'm too lazy, so I'm thinking about just spending the $35 to have it professionally done.

I found a really good deal on a heart rate monitor watch. It has a calorie counter thing in it, too. I'm really excited to try it out, but I'm going to have to wait until I don't feel like I got hit by a bus to go back to the gym.

I finally got a new purse last week while Li and I were shopping. It's from New York and Company, and it was on clearance for only $10. I win. It looks like a slightly more fashionable Indiana Jones bag. It smells lovely. I love the smell of new leather.

I think now is a good time to go collapse into a hot bath, then drag myself to bed early. I hope I can beat this bug, and soon. I want my voice back.

Monday Musings

Last night at about 2:00 a.m. Scott and I were woken up by people yelling outside our window. Scott got up and looked, and it looked like it was just two people yelling, but not physically fighting or anything, so he just got back in bed and ignored it. BUT, after a minute or so, the woman started screaming bloody murder "Help! Help! Get away from me! Help! Let go of me! Help! Help!"...basically what I would be yelling if I were being attacked, so Scott got up, grabbed his gun just in case (concealed, of course), and went outside to see if he could get a better look and make sure nobody got murdered right in front of our house. Meanwhile, I called the police.

They sent a few officers our way while I described what was happening to the emergency operator. While the police were on their way, Scott went out toward the fighting couple as soon as it was apparent that there wasn't any physical violence. They talked a bit, and the man seemed upset and was pacing around, but nobody was yelling any more. I just stayed inside the house, watching what was going on, but unable to hear anything at all.

Two cruisers showed up and one cop went to talk to Scott, while the other went to question the two people who had been yelling. A third person appeared seemingly out of nowhere (he had been inside a car parked on the street) and soon enough Scott headed back inside and told me the whole story.

It turns out the two of them were insanely drunk, and had come from a party down the street. They were bickering, and the woman was overreacting to the man following her. She had left the party, claiming she was just going to walk home (but she lived in Ogden, around 15 miles away) and the man had followed her to try to get her to come back so their designated driver (the guy in the parked car) could take her home. So, really it wasn't a big deal. We did find out that the guy had fallen pretty badly at the party and had a few broken ribs, so the police let them go and take him to the hospital.

We seem to attract trouble. I suppose that's what we get for being the unofficial neighborhood watch.

The gym I go to is closed on Sunday, much like many businesses here in Utah. Saturday I got in a really good workout (I'm still sore), and then spent the rest of the day with Kwiddens. Sunday morning I woke up and the whole day I just felt...blah. I really missed working out! It's only been two weeks, but every day I wake up and don't even have to debate with myself whether I'll go to the gym or not; it's always a yes. It's only a matter of when I can fit it into my day.

I am really loving my X-Biking classes, so I invested in a gel seat cover, which will hopefully make it easier on my derriere. I also bought some new shoes, since the shoes I have been wearing are really old and slightly too big. I wanted to pick up a heart rate monitor watch, but they cost more than I'm willing to spend right now.

We went to a new Chinese restaurant that opened recently a few blocks away from our house. I wasn't impressed. The worst part, however, was the CHRISTMAS MUSIC. It's SEPTEMBER. Also, Wal-Mart was putting up Thanksgiving stuff even before the Halloween stuff.

We bought more tombstones for our Halloween graveyard and materials to make a creepy rickety fence to go around it. We went to a seasonal Halloween store in the mall to check to see if they had anything that would add to the effects, but we were very disappointed to find almost the entire store dedicated to costumes, and just a tiny corner had decorations, which were all overpriced or cheap-looking (or both) anyway.

Halloween this year is on a Sunday, and for Utah that means that everyone will go trick-or-treating on Saturday. This would be fine with me if everyone in the community who wanted to participate were Mormon, or some other religion that prevents things like that on Sundays, but that isn't the case. So I'm not sure if I'm going to have to do Halloween on Saturday and Sunday, for the Mormons and non-Mormons, respectively.

Saturday when Kwiddens came over we tried to dye my hair back to my natural color. I'm tired of the pink streaks. We picked out a color that matched my own, applied it according to the directions...and it didn't work. The blonde bits are still blonde...you would think they would pick up the color just fine and become brown but NOOOO, that would be too easy. So I think after work today I'm going to head over to the beauty school and have a new color put on, just one color all over. Maybe I'll go a little bit darker for fall. We'll see.

That's about it. It's a Monday. The end.

What The Hell?!

My dad and I don't speak to each other. Occasionally I feel sad about this, because I think he used to love me, back when he adopted me, but now I think he feels the same way about me that I finally feel about him: I nothing him.

When I say I nothing him, it's like saying I hate him or I care about him or I (insert verb indicating feelings here) him. Except, I feel nothing toward him most of the time, so I nothing him.

Sometimes, though, I get angry and want to go punch his face in, because if I ever tried to tell him how I feel he would get angry and defensive and call me terrible names and such or he would just walk away, ignoring me completely. Really mature, right? Either way, he wouldn't even care to hear about it. But it's pretty hard to ignore a strong punch in the face.

My memories of my dad consist of three things:

5% Warm and fuzzy memories of when he actually listened to me or said something nice to or about me,

60% Not being home, out doing other things with other people, ignoring his family's emotional (and sometimes physical) needs,

35% Being home and yelling at or criticising me (or all of us) about something stupid that either isn't even true or is something no person in his right mind would get angry about (one time I got in huge trouble for getting ice out of the freezer without asking...not even kidding).

When I took the ACT and got a 34 (out of 36) he basically told me I was stupid and I should have done better. And for a while there, I did think I was stupid because I thought he was so smart and he knew so much about the world and the way things should be. Apparently, I was incredible naive. I pushed myself to my limits in school and got all sorts of awards along with my perfect grades and the mountains of extracurricular activities I put on my transcript, and he never acknowledged that I was doing well (Mim, however, was always very proud of me and supported me in everything I tried to do. Even gymnastics, which was a total failure, but she was proud of me for trying).

One of our running family jokes was that if something would make him mad, we would all get the silent treatment for exactly 3.5 days, to the hour. I'm not even kidding. It was so perfectly consistent that we actually found it funny. The exception was the summer before I left for college, when he refused to talk to Mim for three months, resulting in her breaking down and ending up in the psych ward for a week. He, of course, denies he ever did that. Now I find it both funny and pathetic (not the Mim in the hospital part, the 3.5 days part).

Sadly, he was such a "good person" in my eyes that I wanted to be just like him, so I immersed myself in religion and science and wanted to be a doctor just like him. It took me years to figure out that he is a selfish, arrogant, holier-than-thou, racist (very very racist) person, and once I realized that I was able to let go of a lot of things I had been very angry and hurt about. I even feel sorry for him sometimes. But, once again, for the most part I nothing him.

All this aside, the reason I sometimes get so angry at him is this:

He cheated on Mim and nearly destroyed our family. Em was so torn up about it she tried to commit suicide and ended up in the psych ward for a week (I'm thinking there's a pattern to this). Jorg lost his faith in God, because he prayed and prayed and prayed and God never answered his prayers that our family might somehow be mended. I had to deal with a lot of this during my first year of marriage, which was hard enough in and of itself, with my being sick and our being broke and my not being able to find a job. Mim was so heartsick she couldn't eat anything for months and lost about 50 lbs.

He used Kwiddens. She knew about the other woman and he was nice to her for the first time ever and so Kwiddens felt obligated to stay out of it and not tell Mim about the affair. He would have Kwiddens tell Mim he was hanging out with her when he was actually with the other woman. I used to be angry at Kwiddens for this but now I understand how horrible the whole situation was and that staying out of it was probably for the better.

Everyone in my family went through hell and a half.

So about the other woman: her name is Cambria (total stripper name...) and she was (get this): his patient. Ethics apparently be damned. Even to this day, he lies to all of us and claims they are "just friends", even though we all know from outside sources that they are engaged. That just drives me crazy: that he thinks we will just fall for his stupid lies, and that he's not man enough to admit that he's done something wrong, even when we all caught him with his hands in the cookie jar.

Every time I think I am over this, something new comes up. Usually it involves the way he treats Em, Jorg, and Kwiddens, especially Kwiddens. For some reason he has always had it out for her, ever since the day he married Mim. I had it bad, but she had it way worse. He picked on her relentlessly and I don't know how she gets past that on a daily basis. I understand that Kwiddens's getting pregnant wasn't the best thing to happen, but things happen and we move on and make the best of it, yes? Our whole family is now in love with this beautiful little baby and we are so proud of Kwiddens for making such a beautiful little baby and being an amazing mother, and we are happy to have Isaac in the family. All of us except for Dad. Dad now refuses to even speak to Kwiddens and has no desire to see the baby, which I find totally heartbreaking, because there will come a time when Nyah will ask, "Why don't I have two grandpas?" (or three, depending on if you count our BioDad) and someone will have to say "Well, he doesn't love you" (or something) (how would you even answer that question??).

So, something else happened that brought it all back and I feel like I have to start all over again.

Yesterday I found out that he's getting married. Tomorrow. He didn't bother to tell me, Kwiddens, or Mim. We only found out because he invited Em and Jorg.

I don't resent Em and Jorg at all for this. I'm even proud of them that they're mature and kind enough to rise above it all and wish him happiness. But I can't help but think that maybe if I were actually his biological child maybe he would love me enough to invite me to his wedding.

It seems I'm not meant to have a father figure in my life. I'm usually fine with that. But sometimes I get so jealous of people who spend time with their fathers and look up to and respect them. I just can't respect him. I think I might even stop calling him Dad. It seems harsh I suppose, but apparently he doesn't think of me as his daughter any more, so from now on, he's just Jason.

What a prick.

Also, you would not believe how many awful words I used in my first draft of this post. Extensive editing brought it back down to a PG-13 level.

God

I'm no longer a publicly spiritual person, but that doesn't mean I don't believe in God anymore.

I do. I really do. I've seen too many amazing things not to.

And I honestly believe that sometimes when you're stuck on something, or feeling alone, he pushes somebody around you to do something that makes you feel better about it.

Sometimes I feel alone in the fact that I left the church and instead chose to take my own path. I know there are many many others who have, but every situation you go through always seems like it's unique to you.

But someone e-mailed me the other day, telling me the story of her journey to happiness, and it was remarkably similar to mine.

I forget sometimes, but little things like this are like God poking me and saying "See? I AM here, and I'm taking care of you, dummy!"

What If...?

A few posts ago I asked what I should write about, and Scott asked:

"If you were not married how do you think your life would differ from how it is now?"

It made me start thinking about my life's path...

I'm happy where I am. Interestingly enough, though, if several years ago, like at the beginning of college, I had been able to see into the future, to see what my life is now, I don't think I would have thought it was going in the right direction, that is, the direction that would make me happiest.

My freshman year one of my chemistry professors had us all write down some goals we had for his class, the year, college, and life in general. I was only half joking when I said, "Graduate from BYU without getting married!" For those of you that aren't in the know, BYU's students tend to get married a lot more than students at other campuses. My thoughts? They really, really want to move past making out, and they're not allowed to unless they're married (not only will they get kicked out of BYU, but they'll go to hell as well). Just a theory.* Anyway, having observed nothing but bad marriages my whole life, I didn't want any part of it. Why would I want to bind myself to someone, just to have them ruin my life? And why would I want to marry someone just to make babies? I just didn't want it. So I dated, because dating's fun, and let's face it, so is making out.

I never thought I would meet someone like Scott. I never even thought someone like Scott could exist. The dating pool at BYU seemed severely limited. I found guys who were good people but had different ideas and values than I did, but nobody was ever good enough. Everyone was too...vanilla. I tried dating a lot of people, but it just didn't stick. It didn't help that guys generally don't like to date girls who are smarter than they are, so a lot of the guys who I would have liked to date weren't even remotely interested in me if they knew that I was a chemistry major.

So marriage wasn't even in my plans.

Academically, I was never quite sure where I would go. My plan was basically to get my degree, and sometime my senior year decide whether I wanted to go to grad school, medical school, or just find a job. Two things basically made this decision for me: figuring out I was bipolar and falling in love with Scott. Figuring out I was bipolar, and FINALLY understanding why I was so sick all the time, made me realize that further schooling just wasn't wise unless it were the only thing I were doing. It wouldn't have been the only thing, either, because I wanted to be with Scott, and I didn't want to half-ass my marriage. I wanted to be there 100%, and I knew that if I continued school, things would just get too busy for us to be working on our marriage constantly, like we are now. It looks like that turned out pretty well, don't you think?

So...back to the original question. If I weren't married, I probably wouldn't have met anyone that I could have married, so I would have continued school. If I had chosen grad school, I probably would have tried to stay at BYU, since I absolutely adored the chemistry department there. I loved the classes, the professors, my jobs, just everything about that building made me feel more like myself than any other place I had been before. If I had stayed there, I would have had to keep going to church to stay enrolled...I'm honestly not sure how that would have gone. For all I know I might have just decided it wasn't worth it and transferred to another university. In that case, it would probably have been a college somewhere in the midwest, since that still felt like home at the time.

If I had chosen medical school, I have absolutely no idea where I would have gone or what I would have specialized in, but I would still be there today, and so I would probably be too busy to do much of anything else.

Either way, I would still be in school.

My life is now something I never thought it would be, but let me tell you, this marriage thing is awesome.

As long as you have the right person.

Which I do.



*Just FYI, I have nothing but respect for the students at BYU who actually follow the Honor Code. I certainly didn't.

Nyah's Blessing

Nyah had her baby blessing this past Sunday (for you non-Mormons out there, that's a blessing each baby receives at about 6 weeks, blessing the baby with a good life, health, happiness, etc.), so I had to go to church again...and I'm glad I left right after the blessing because according to Kwiddens, it was a really weird meeting after that.

Anyway, so after church was over everyone met up at Kwiddens's house for a luncheon, and I got some pictures. Nyah was being a little brat though and kept looking away and rolling over and I only got two good shots of her in her blessing gown, so here's one:


The dress was Nyah's grandma's (on Isaac's side), so it was really old and fragile, so once pictures were taken the dress went back into storage for safe keeping, and Nyah got to hang out in her onesie for the rest of the party. Mim was holding her and it was a perfect photo opportunity, but, once again, Nyah was being fussy and wouldn't look at the camera, and that was taking Mim's attention away from the camera, so this is all I got:

Even fussy, she's still cute.

Ramble Ramble Ramble

Tuesday we came home and there were weird red spots on the carpet in the living room. It was pretty late so we didn't worry about it until the next day. It turns out, Buster threw up his (red) dog food all over, and then ate it, so all that was left were smelly red spots. Fabulous. So Wednesday Scott went and rented a RugDoctor, and we cleaned the spots the best we could, and even though it didn't get the stain out the nasty junk was out of the carpet so we were ok with it and we returned the cleaner and went to bed.

We got up in the morning and everything seemed fine, and we both headed off to work. When we got home and opened the door the stench was overwhelming...bleh. I think the RugDoctor just kinda spread around the nast instead of totally sucking it up, and to top it all off it didn't pull out enough of the water in the carpet, so it got mildewy and gross and smelly (so pleasant) while it was "drying"...so that was a complete waste of $30.

So today we called around and found a guy who could do the whole room and the stairs for $50, which is a pretty awesome deal, and he was able to come over an hour and a half after we called, which was also awesome. So, now our carpet is very very clean and smells NICE. He even got the traffic spots out.

Moral of the story?

RugDoctors suck. A lot. Don't bother.

Today I was reading some chemistry history (nerdy...) and I was talking to Scott about it and I was saying how if there's an afterlife with a heaven or maybe even a Chemist Heaven (and when I said that Scott about died from laughter...) the guys up there must be like, "I told you and you guys totally didn't believe me!" and they must feel so...vindicated. What a nice feeling. Good job, Avogadro.

I am getting better at playing Plants vs. Zombies. If you haven't played this game you MUST. It is SO MUCH FUN and SO CUTE and THE PLANTS HAVE FACES. I mean, come on. What other game lets you throw butter and popcorn kernels at a zombie to kill it?

Scott and I are now both on fatsecret.com. It's a daily food and exercise diary that keeps track of calories, portion sizes, and all the exercise you do. If you're dieting, it's definitely worth checking out. We're both in love with it. Scott's phone even has an app for it, so when he scans in a bar code on whatever food he's eating it automatically logs it in his food diary. Very cool.

Mim and I are going to go to a family reunion up in Sandpoint, ID later this month. We'll see how that turns out...either way we'll get a band saw out of the deal (more explanation later). The fam is also coming up to our house for July 4 for fooding, a movie, and fireworks (the little baby ones that are legal in this horrible state).

There were several other things I thought about today that I wanted to write about but I've completely forgotten them. I suppose that's what I get for not writing things down.

Utah Weirdos

A blog friend suggested I post about some of the interesting/weird things Utahns do. The problem with this is that most of these things are more of a Utah Mormon culture thing. So I'll list a few things, and try to keep it kind, and you'll think it's hilarious!

Instead of saying "the eff word" they say Flip! or Fetch! or Frick!, which I find hilarious, because we all know what they're actually thinking...

As everyone knows, A LOT of Utahns are Mormon, and they're not supposed to drink coffee, but there are so many people I know who drink like ten diet cokes a day for the caffeine (the rules aren't specifically for caffeine, just coffee and tea, so some people interpret it as no caffeine and some don't).

Weird names. Not even kidding. Kwiddens says she knew a girl named Bronwyn.

Nobody here knows how to cook. Meat gets overcooked to the point of being like leather. Pasta gets mushy. Vegetables are wilted. Foods that should not be combined are...like cauliflower and mayonnaise...and Jello with vegetables in it...Utah definitely has a Jello thing. It's like its own food group.

BAD DRIVING. I'm sure this is true everywhere you go, but it really does seem particularly bad here. My biggest pet peeve about Utah drivers is that they run red lights like crazy on left turns. After the light has turned red, usually three or four cars go ahead and turn even though they weren't even in the intersection when it turned red. Stoplights here have an extra few seconds between green lights in each direction, and I can only assume that this is why.

Also, for a state that gets snow every year, nobody here knows how to drive in snow. Pathetic.

The higher up on the mountain you are, the higher your social status. People assume Mim is incredibly wealthy because her house is up on the mountain, and she's just as broke as everyone else in the world. The funniest thing is, up on the mountain is right along the fault line...really the stupidest place to build a house, if we have an earthquake.

Remember in the 60's when women would back-comb and hairspray sections in the back of their hair so it was poofy in the back and on top? Yeah. They do that here. It's ugly as hell, too.

There are other things, but they're more negative and more related to Mormons specifically, and the last thing I want to do is Mormon-bash, so I'll end it here.

Happy Valley is a weird, weird place.

To Blog Or Not To Blog

So when I started this blog I wasn't sure what my intent was. I thought maybe I would write about my feelings. Maybe I would write prose. Maybe I would rant. Maybe this, maybe that.

So far it has been things that happen, general complaints, funny stories, interesting things I found on the internet...well, you've read it.

But there are some things that I would like to talk about, but am afraid to because I might offend someone, or because I'm afraid someone might judge me and stop talking to me because I'm such a heathen (it's happened before, you know).

Here are some examples:

My in-laws

...what if they stumbled across this blog and got all offended and hated me forever and the world ended? My mother-in-law is particularly emotional and I would actually feel bad if I made her cry.

How I'm crazy and such

...people view mental illness differently. Some people understand that it's a disease, caused by a chemical imbalance, just like cancer or diabetes, but some other people think...well, they think you're just crazy. Which is true. But it's because of the chemicals, and they don't understand that. It's hard to explain. It's hard to talk about openly.

Why I'm not Mormon anymore

...when Scott decided to leave the church some of his friends completely alienated him and he's sometimes lonely because of it. I would like to think my Mormon friends aren't like this, but you really never know.

Why I decided to not have children

...there are very valid reasons. Including not wanting to die. And DUDE, children are sticky. And LOUD.

There are many others, I'm sure, but these are just a few I've been mulling over lately.