Pictures To Catch Up

I hate Blogger with an unbridled passion. I hate centered text, but it won't let me use left alignment because it's a piece of...never mind...just got it to work...

First up is a picture of the lovely Em, who has changed her hair once again. It's a very very dark blue, so dark that you can't tell it's blue until you're right up on it. I love it.

Nyah is starting to eat solid foods! Here she is trying sweet potatoes for the first time. Only babies are adorable when they spit food out; anyone else gets dirty looks.

This is Mim's deck. This is only one of the snow storms she's had this winter. We haven't been so lucky; we get a bit, then it melts, then we get a bit more, and right now it's staying but who knows for how long?

Poor Kwiddens finally got her wisdom teeth taken out. This picture is not flattering at all, but she said I could put it on the internet so here you go. She was miserable not being able to eat regularly, and at one point she got dry socket and had to go in for extra care. She hated the clove oil they packed them with, but remembering back to when I had mine taken out, I loved it! It smelled so good and the pain was all but gone!

A long time ago I posted a picture of a pair of lacy gloves I had made, but I never posted about the scarf that matches them:

It's a wool/cashmere blend, so it's super soft and surprisingly warm.

Here is my Christmas tree skirt. I made it myself.

Here is my Christmas tree, all decked out with my handmade ornaments. I can't decide if I'm sick of them or not. Part of me wants to just get new, store-bought ornaments and make it look more put-together, and sell the old set. There's a lot there, and it's all handmade lace, so I might be able to get at least $100 for it. Maybe.

If You're Uncomfortable...

...with menstruation, skip this post.

A little while after Scott and I got married I was having stabbing abdominal pains (which turned out to be IBS, which means they couldn't figure it out), and first we thought it might be reproductive, since it felt like my ovaries were being skewered with a hot poker. A dull one. So fun. I went to see a gynecologist, and she was mean to me, but she did find some cysts on my ovaries (which weren't the cause of the pain), and to get rid of them she switched me to Lybrel. It was brand new on the market when she prescribed it to me, and I LOVED it. It's a continuous dose of hormone with no breaks ever, which means...drumroll please...NO PERIOD. EVER.

Here are the reasons I loved this:

1. Periods are gross. I don't need to elaborate on this.
2. PMS went bye-bye. And when you're bipolar, you don't need the added hormonal fluctuations for a week every month. I'm not fully functional anyway (see #3), so I don't need to be emotionally screwed as well.
3. I used to be the one girl who got cramps so bad that I had to take narcotics to be able to get out of bed in the morning. These cramps were literally debilitating. Sucko.
4. I didn't have to take a week off of sex every month. Sorry if that's TMI, but it's the truth.
5. Periods are gross.

So, anyway, I was in birth control heaven, and then a month ago we had to switch health insurance.

BAH.

Our new insurance sucks lollipops, so the copay went from $13 for these magical pills to $70! Yikes! Now, Scott made it quite clear that if he had to pay $70 a month to not have to deal with PMS, that that would be totally fine by him. TOTALLY FINE. However, I decided to go see if there were another option.

I got to the gynecologist, and I had a new one this time, and she wasn't awkward at all, which was AWESOME, and we discussed birth control options. It turns out Lybrel is completely unique. There's nothing like it, and it will be something like ten years before the patent is up and someone can make it generic. The next best option was to find another continuous dose pill (a.k.a. not a cycle of monthly doses) and just take it back to back with no breaks. With this I would have to have a period every four months, which is better than every month, so it's not a total loss.

So new, $15 birth control. Ok. Dealing with it. Here's the problem:

In between the Lybrel and the new pills my doc said I needed to let my body have a period. Oh joy. So this past weekend, for the first time in almost four years, I had a very special sort of week.

Poor Scott. I had forgotten how bad my PMS was before. Scott and I always joke around that even though I'm nuts, he still has it better than all the other dudes because he doesn't have to deal with PMS. Well, now he does. He hid from me. I was AWFUL. I was trying so hard to just keep my mouth shut, but I wanted to cry and laugh and scream and just sleep forever all at the same time, and just for kicks you can add in an uncontrollable craving for cheesecake. Everything was irritating me. I would say something, and not even realize it was mean until after I had already said it, so I lose. LOSE.

The worst part was that I felt completely out of control. I felt like I was in a car with a terribly drunk driver and I kept telling him to pull over and let me drive because he was all over the sidewalks and hitting pedestrians and speeding and running red lights and he WOULD. NOT. PULL. OVER. Worst feeling ever.

So it's over, and I don't have to deal with it until...April.

I think it's going to be a challenge keeping my cool at work during those special weeks, though. Is this how all women feel once a month? No wonder men make so many PMS jokes. I finally get it. I turn into a freaking monster. I don't want to be that woman who loses her cool and has to say to her (male) boss, "Gee, sorry I'm a total ho this week, I'm on my period!" and get a totally embarrassed look in return. I don't want to be weak and emotional just because I was born with a uterus. Sucks to be me, apparently.

I did get my cheesecake. I went to Marie Callender's with my sisters and Mim, and I had some there, but they were out of cherry cheesecake, which is what I really really wanted, so I settled for caramel. It was amazing, but not what I was craving. No good.

I still want cheesecake, but I'm back to dieting (I let myself eat whatever I wanted while I was...out of service) and I'm not going to cheat until I hit a ten pound mark, which will be 153 pounds.

OH! That reminds me! I almost forgot to tell you!

The gyno said that Lybrel makes it harder for you to lose weight, and that switching might help me lose it and keep it off! HAPPY!

Reverb 10: Achieve

December 28 Achieve


What's the thing you most want to achieve next year?  How do you imagine you'll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

I want to get down to my ideal weight. That's all I really want to achieve. I mean, yes, I want to get more done on the house and I definitely want to knit more beautiful things and I want to keep blogging; there are definitely other things that I want to achieve. BUT, this is the biggest goal I have for this year. It's within reach. I know I can get there. But once I get there...

...I have to maintain it. I HAVE to. I know I've been sort of obsessing about it lately, but I will go insane and do crazy things if I don't. It's going to be hard. I'm just going to have to say no to so many tasty things. But it will be worth it in the end.

Now, when I make it down to my ideal weight, I'm going to feel hope. Hope that I can keep working hard and keep the weight off. Hope that I'll continue to get regular exercise. Hope that I'll eventually be able to break this stupid cycle of weight loss (and loving myself) and weight gain (and hating myself) and be happy and whole.

Ten things I can do or think today (or in the next few weeks, maybe?) that can help me experience a feeling of hope today (or in the next few weeks, maybe?):

1. Thought: I have eaten nothing but good, healthy food since the day after Christmas. I know that's only three days so far, but I'm thinking positive here.
2. Action: I will continue to eat nothing but good, healthy food. I know I can't portion, so I'm just not going to tempt myself. It's a little easier since Scott is dieting, too.
3. Thought: I feel great when I exercise.
4. Action: I will get to the gym at least three times a week consistently, and five days a week if I can.
5. Thought: I am stronger than my cravings.
6. Action: I will stop and think when I crave something. I will try to figure out what emotion I'm experiencing, and go from there.
7. Thought: I am beautiful regardless of my shape or size.
8. Action: I will ignore the mirror on bad days, and prance around in front of it on good days.
9. Thought: Although weight matters, it's more about how healthy I feel.
10. Action: I will continue to weigh myself, because I don't think I can NOT weigh myself, but I will gauge my progress more by how much energy I have and how I feel about myself. This doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to lose weight. It just means that if I get down to 140 pounds (the upper "healthy" weight limit for my height) and I feel healthy, I won't obsess over losing more.

I'm betting putting these thoughts into action is going to be easier said than done. But what kind of a journey would life be if I got it all easily? I'll just have to chant to myself "Whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger" over and over (and then be mad that I can't eat candy).

And check it out. I'm all caught up! Until tomorrow.

Reverb 10: Beyond Avoidance

December 20 Beyond Avoidance

What should you have done this year but didn't because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy, or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

There are a few things. One is painting the rest of my living room and kitchen. I'm not scared about it or anything (because that would just be weird); I just keep putting it off. I know it'll get done, probably early this coming year, since we need to finish paint before we put down the new floor. I just keep putting it off because I'm having so much fun making things with sticks and string...

The other thing is exercise. I've been deterred from exercising this past month just because I've been eating terribly and I feel all blah and my feet still hurt...I know, it's excuses, but I'm jumping back in as soon as Christmas is over. My goal is to go to the gym every day (and if I set that goal, I'll skip sometimes but still go at least three times a week, and that's acceptable to me).

2011 needs to be the year of exercise for me. It needs to be the year I solidify good eating and exercise habits. I want to start running, but I'm going to need to get some more weight off before I try, because my knees are going to take the most damage. I also need to go back to spinning, because it's a great workout and doesn't hurt my joints as much. Once I've lost a bit more weight and gotten my lungs a bit more fit, I want to try Zumba again. It was fun, but I just couldn't keep up and, once again, I think the extra weight was putting too much pressure on my joints.

Reverb 10: Try

December 18 Try


What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did/didn't go for it?

Well. In 2011 I would like to try to expand my sock knitting skills by adding a few new techniques to my repertoire. I am currently looking at a pattern for a gorgeous pair of knee socks that I am simply drooling to try! In fact, Scott wanted to buy me another Christmas present, so I casually pointed out what yarn I would need for them, and he bought it! I also went on Etsy the other day and bought a whole bunch of stitch markers.

So far, in sock knitting, I've done almost all in plain stockinette stitch. I like using dyed yarn and watching the color changes, and most of the time I think too much color variation plus a stitch pattern looks too busy. SO, I would like to try something more challenging. These new socks, being knee socks, will have shaping in the calf area instead of being the same width the whole length of the sock. The pattern involves some charts, which I've never used before, so I'll have to learn how to read those. It involves some lace, which will be a challenge, and has some new Japanese stitches that I've never used before. All in all, I think I'm insane to tackle this, but I'm ready to hone my skills (plus they're really pretty and I like wearing pretty socks).

As for trying something this past year, I tried to stay at 150 lbs. That didn't quite work out. I am glad I tried, though. I'm just that much closer to being able to change my habits and become healthy and fit. I'm going to try again this next year, and I have a good feeling about it. I think that, since Scott and I will be dieting together, we'll be more successful. It's so much harder to diet when other people around you aren't, so we will be there to support each other and help each other out when it gets hard.

Reverb 10: Wisdom

December 10 Wisdom


What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

The wisest decision I made this year was to give up french fries. How did it play out?

Awesome.

Until I decided that I was doing really well, so I could have them once in a while.

Ha.

But I think making the decision in the first place was symbolic of my admitting to myself that I can't eat certain foods. They're my emotional foods. I go to them when I'm upset, and I'm such an intense kind of upset that I can't stop eating them. I really ought to give up those Lofthouse frosted sugar cookies, too, but I don't know if I'm that strong!

As soon as Christmas is over Scott and I are hitting the diet hard. We're going to have to work very hard, together, to make sure we don't fall into bad patterns again. We need to come to terms with the fact that our metabolisms just don't support eating crappy junk food. And frankly, with the diseases that run in Scott's family (heart disease and diabetes) we need to get healthy, or else.

So my next wise decision, for 2011?

Actually stick to it this time.

Reverb 10: Beautifully Different

December 8 Beautifully Different

Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.

I am beautiful. I admit it. Heh.

There are a lot of things that make me different from most people. How about a list?

1. I'm freaking nuts, you guys. Most people aren't (or at least they haven't been diagnosed...), so I am different. This is usually a bad thing, but medication is magic, so it's all good (most of the time). There is some good that comes from this, though. I have to keep a close eye on my moods, and why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. I have to work hard to make sure this illness doesn't screw with my marriage (or any number of other things in my life), so I am very careful with my words and I consider carefully what the things I say will really say to other people. I'm not perfect about this, of course; everyone loses it once in a while and I am no exception (and anyone who says he/she never loses control is LYING) (unless it's Jesus). But I think that having to think carefully about the things I say helps me be more considerate and helps me communicate more effectively.

2. I get along way better with men than women. I have a few close girlfriends, but the vast majority of my good friends over the years have been dudes. Guys just make more sense to me. They aren't catty and most of the time they say what they mean, they don't overthink things or play games, and they don't gossip as much (not all women do this, of course, it's just a generalization). This has been frustrating in the past; when I was in high school and I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, I couldn't hang out with my friends because it would be a "date", even though I had no romantic feelings for my guy friends. Mim and I fought about this one a lot. Fun times. Also, in college, before I dated Scott, I was totally in love with my best friend, and OH BOY did that complicate things.

3. How many women do YOU know who are chemists?

4. I am apparently the only person on the planet who doesn't want babies. Ok, I suppose that's a slight exaggeration...I can think of...two other people who don't want kids, and one of them is married to me. I would be totally willing to donate my eggs to help other people have babies, but they won't take them because of #1 (I'm crazy).

5. Something different I do that lights people up...? I really like sharing what I have with other people (unless it's yarn; I'm a total Yarn Scrooge), but I don't think that's that different.

I can't think of anything else. And I don't see how these make me beautiful, but Scott and my mommy think I'm pretty so I suppose that's all that matters.

Beans's Knees

Beans (Em) had knee surgery this past Friday, poor thing. Bad knees run in our family, and this was her fourth surgery. I just thought I would share something cute:

According to the surgeon, Em's final words before succumbing to anesthesia were "I am the queen of the universe..."

After she woke up she texted me:

Em: I'm out of surgery.
Me: You're the queen of the universe!
Em: Damn straight.

And then, the other day:

Me: Scott bought me Dexter for Christmas!
Em: THE MAN, RIGHT?
Me: I wish.

And, now since I've now posted three things within like half an hour, I'll leave you all alone and get some beauty sleep.

Reverb 10: Let Go

I'm a total slacker. I let this one go. Not one week into December and I've already slacked off.

But, in my own defense, I did read the prompt yesterday and immediately thought of two things that I could talk about, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to go there for all the internet to see, so I decided I would answer it today, after I'd given it some thought. And, oh look, I thought of something else that I don't mind sharing with my little corner of the world.

December 5 Let Go


What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

This year I let go of a lot of my anger regarding the things that have happened in my family in the past few years. I let go of a lot of my anger; that is to say, not all of it (that's gonna take a while).

So much has happened...and even though it happens time and again, when something happens to us we, as humans, are angry and can't even imagine that the anger will ever fade. It feels too real, too fresh, too biting. And that's okay. We're all human. The wonderful thing is, time heals wounds. It always has, no matter how deep.

So I let go of a lot of my anger regarding things Jason did, regarding the way life was at home growing up, regarding how unfair it sometimes seems that I'm the one stuck with this shortcoming or that illness or whatever it might be that's causing me to mope and feel sorry for myself. It didn't all go at once...it just kinda faded.

I mean, of course there are still times when I remember something specific and feel hurt all over again, which leads to anger, but each time this happens it's a little less intense, and I find myself calming down more quickly. I also find myself trying very hard to put myself in the shoes of whoever it is I'm angry with. I remember something someone did or said to me, and I try to think about what he or she must have been thinking or feeling, and I try to cut people some slack. I don't know what it's like to be somebody else, but I think about times when I've done or said something hurtful and nine times out of ten I really didn't mean it or maybe it was a complete accident and if it happens to me, I'm sure it happens to other people. I'm really trying to give others the benefit of the doubt.

Anyway. It's a work in progress, far from being finished. I'm sure it'll take years for everything to settle completely and for me to be able to move on, but I did a lot of moving on this past year. You should try it sometime. It's refreshing.

Honestly, There Were More Marshmallows Than Fruit

I didn't have an opportunity to do a Thanksgiving post...oh, who am I kidding, I had many MANY opportunities, but almost my entire weekend was spent curled up on the couch with my favorite fuzzy purple blankie working on the blanket for Mim. I finished it ages ago, and it was too small, so I had asked Mim to expand the pattern for me, but she's so freaking busy that it didn't get done until I showed her what I had so far and she suggested I make it again and connect the two...but I'm going for broke and making four, and to make it fun I'm rotating what colors go where for each one. I made a spreadsheet. I love spreadsheets. We should get a room.

Anyway.

Lazy me.

At least my lazy times are still productive. I get blankets and socks and such out of it, so it's not a total waste of time.

So Thanksgiving. Usually Scott and I stay overnight a day or two at Mim's house, but Scott has allergies so in order to do that he has to be so totally stoned on all sorts of meds that it's not as fun. This year we decided to just head down to Mim's Thanksgiving morning and spend all day there. The holiday was spent cooking, eating, playing games, watching movies (do you know how adorable "Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs" is??), and just enjoying each other's company. No pressure, no schedules.

We ended up going to the store twice that morning because we kept forgetting things. One of them was butter, and there is just no way to do Thanksgiving without butter. Fortunately, I didn't have to make that trip...people in stores on holidays are generally freaking nuts.

We had our usual: turkey, cranberry sauce, marshmallow fruit salad, pie, more pie, mashed potatoes, butter corn, more marshmallow fruit salad...yum. Nothing weird. Everything was perfect. I do have a confession, though: I didn't eat any turkey. I wanted to have room for other, more important things, such as second portions of marshmallow fruit salad.

So that was about it. It was relaxing and awesome. I got to play with the baby and hug my brother and sisters. What more could I want?

So now for the cliche: a list of what I'm thankful for this year.

• Family. Duh.
• Especially Scott. Another duh.
• The miracle of modern medicine, which enables me to experience emotions I never could before, while keeping the totally crappy emotions in check.
• Egg nog. You knew it was coming.
• My fabulous job. I make more than I need doing something I love. How many people can honestly say that?
• My new kitchen, paid for with the money I make at my awesome job.
• The ability to not eat french fries for more than six months this past year. I think I should go back to not eating them...
• And on that note, I've been able to keep most of the weight I lost off. I am, however, mad at myself for gaining any of it back at all, but I'm continually working on making better food choices. Except when I'm not.
• Being completely totally done with my Christmas shopping so I didn't even have to leave my house on Black Freaking Friday, the day when nice, normal people turn into demons.

Life is good, you know?

A Breakdown And A Sandwich

This past weekend I ran out of Risperdal, which is the medicine that makes me nice instead of totally bitchy. I had put the empty bottle on the bathroom counter so I would see it and remember to go to the pharmacy, but every day I just totally spaced it.  I was feeling sick all day Monday, but I was stuck at work, and everything seemed to be annoying me, and I came home and just went to sleep. I woke up when Scott got home and he took me to the pharmacy. We got my medicine and I immediately popped one plus some Klonapin for good measure, and spent the rest of the evening just chilling out. Here is a picture of the amazingly awesome sandwich Scott made for me:

He always knows how to make me feel better.

I'm feeling much better now that I have my brain chemicals all balanced again.

I realize every now and again how incredibly lucky (blessed, even) I am to have Scott. He understands why I have mood swings and knows how to deal with them, and he knows that it isn't my fault and I don't mean anything when I snap at him or stomp around in a horrible mood. I think most men would have run away by now. Scott is just amazing.

Pour Some Sugar On Me

(Gotta love Def Leppard. Other contenders were "Sugar Sugar" by The Archies, "Lollipop" by The Chordettes, and "I Want Candy" by Bow Wow Wow)

I had a dream last night that I went to Maverik in the morning before work and was choosing something to grab for breakfast. I swear the dream was like an hour long, and the entire time I was walking around the store, picking up something, then changing my mind and putting it back, choosing something else, etc. I ended up with a huge soda (not diet) and a ton of candy and donuts, and when I got to the cash register I looked at it all and said, "Scott would be ashamed of me!" and I put it all back. Then I woke up.

It was awesome.

I've been having an awful time with cravings lately. I think my body is like, "It's cold, therefore I need more fat to keep warm, therefore I must eat CANDY."

I've been a lot better about eating Halloween candy before Halloween this year than last year. A LOT. Still, I've had a bit here and there. I feel a little bit bad, since I've not been able to get to the gym much lately (but I went yesterday and my ankle didn't hurt much at all!), but I think I'll just have a few pieces over the next few days and then on Halloween I'll go ahead and indulge, and then Monday I'll bring in any leftover candy to work and make my coworkers eat it.

I was thinking about why I'm craving bad foods so much, since it's usually connected to how I'm feeling emotionally, and I find that figuring out what's making me sad/mad/whatever helps me not eat crap, even if it doesn't make the cravings go away. I'm 99% positive it has everything to do with not getting enough exercise over the last month and not having happy endorphins all over the place. I'm constantly amazed at the HUGE impact exercise has on my depression. I mean, the meds keep me at a pretty good baseline, but getting a good workout in at least three or four times a week really pushes my moods up into HAPPY HAPPY LAND (it's a really nice place, in case you were wondering).

Halloween is where it all starts. From there it just goes downhill. Halloween (candy), then Thanksgiving (pie), then Christmas (traditional Christmas Eve cheeseburgers, then traditional sugary cereal on Christmas, and all the candy), then New Year's (just another excuse to have yummies), and by the time it's January I'm usually heavier. BUT NOT THIS YEAR. I'm going to be reasonable. Treats, yes, but smaller portions, less often, and, above all, I'm going to keep exercising!

Now excuse me while I go eat one of the Halloween cookies my boss brought in today.

Don't worry. I'll burn it off later at the gym.

Antibiotics Are Useless

So I joined a gym, right?

Right.

I was going all the time and feeling awesome for about two weeks. Then, everything just kinda...well, stopped.

First, Li came to visit. I did go to the gym (and brought her with me) on a Saturday morning, but the other several days I just wanted to hang with my best friend and get some well-needed rest.

As soon as she was gone I was planning on going back. Unfortunately, I got sick. I had some kind of cold or maybe a mild flu. I was tired and dizzy and stuffy and generally miserable, so exercising was just out of the question.

After I got better I started going back, until my ankle exploded. Fun times. The doctor told me to stay off of it for two to three weeks, so I did two weeks (I was itching to get back onto that treadmill) and took it a bit easier for about a week.

THEN.

Maybe this is TMI, but THEN I developed a raging UTI. Have you ever had one of those? Did it make you want to walk on the treadmill? Or walk at all? Nope.

So I went back to the doctor and got antibiotics and went on my merry way. At this point, we had been spending a ton of time working on the kitchen, getting it ready for cabinets, so there just wasn't much time to go work out, even when my symptoms had subsided.

Unfortunately, that relief was short-lived. Ugh. My symptoms came BACK, like BAM, so suddenly...awesome. So I went BACK to the doctor and they tested me again and apparently Macrobid does absolutely nothing (at least in me, I'm a medical mystery) and it had gotten worse, even though the symptoms had gone way for a while. The doctor prescribed a different antibiotic, in a larger dose for a longer duration, and I went on my merry way.

Cipro has a few warnings. One is to avoid eating dairy and taking the meds at the same time (which wasn't a problem, really) and the other is NOT TO EXERCISE. Especially if you have tendonitis in your Achilles tendon OH LOOK THAT'S ME. Because apparently Cipro makes it worse and you could actually end up badly damaging your tendons. Super. It's also been making me extremely nauseated and bloaty (TMI again, I know) so that doesn't make me want to exercise, anyway. I totally threw up at work. Gross.

I just took my last dose! Yay!

So tomorrow...it's back to the gym. And I'm going to get skinny if it kills me.

This Post Is So Boring I Couldn't Think Of A Title

This morning I tried to redeem a Free Mountain Dew cap that I won from my last one, but Maverik doesn't redeem them, so I had to buy one instead. Fail. I have no idea where I can redeem it.

Last night I joined a crochet group run by a lady in my town in her home. I had been on Ravelry for a few weeks trying to get something together and she found me and  invited me to come to her group, so I did. It was pretty fun! There were only four people, but I got to show off a bit, and they were all working on Tunisian crochet (which is basically a hybrid of crocheting and knitting), which I think I might like to learn. I have instructions for it in my Harmony Guides, but I've never actually tried it. I think I really need to finish some of my current projects first, though. I have a baby blanket (for nobody in particular - just thought it might be wise to have a spare, just in case someone gets babied) that's almost finished. In fact, I think it's big enough now and I could be done any time I want, and then I just have to put an edging on it.

Mercury has been giving me issues this week. They're not major, but if it happens again I'll need someone to come out and take a look at it. For now she's running just fine, so I'll just cross my fingers.

I'm still working back up to where I was at the gym. It's slow going, and I hate it, but there's nothing I can do to speed up the process, since I still get pain. It's less pain, though, so at least I'm making progress.

We're inching toward being able to paint in the kitchen.

And that's all I can think of today. I'm getting boring.

Kitchen, Gym, Gym, Kitchen

This past weekend we started getting the kitchen ready for cabinet installation. BIG JOB! There's so much that needs to be totally finished. This past weekend we got a large section of water-damaged sub floor replaced, then got the half-wall that will be behind the stove built. We filled in the old back door with insulation and drywall and got the first layer of mud on. It was quite a bit for one weekend! Don't worry, I lots of pictures of it all. I just need to get them onto the blog... We still need to do a few more layers of mud (with sanding in between), primer, drywall and mud and sand around the new back door, prime all the walls for painting, and pull up all the old linoleum in the kitchen. THEN I can paint. THEN we can put the cabinets in. So all this needs to be done rather quickly (the cabinets are being delivered on November 3).

I finally got back to the gym yesterday. The doctor had told me to stay off of my ankle for two to three weeks, so I decided two was good. I have to take it easy for a while, though. Yesterday I got up to the same speed I was doing before I got hurt but I didn't add any incline. I felt like I only got half a workout, but my ankle was hurting so I wasn't willing to push it any farther. At least I burned off the triple chocolate cookie I ate yesterday.

I've been at the exact same weight for months but I still feel like I'm getting fatter. I think it's a depression thing, since I haven't been exercising for a while and that made the happy endorphins go away. As soon as I get back into the groove and go to the gym every day again, I'm sure I'll feel fine.

Later today:

I was able to do a little bit more on the treadmill today. A little. I should just be grateful I'm allowed back on it. I do love the exercise (and I never thought I would say that!)!

Scott just went to Home Depot to get more supplies for the kitchen, and while he was there he talked to the guys at the pro desk. When we built the deck, Home Depot had us order WAY more Trex than we needed, and that stuff is EXPENSIVE, so we were kinda mad. It was special order, so we thought we were just stuck with it. It turns out, for a restocking fee, we could sell it all back and get $660 credited onto our Home Depot card! That means we just got $660 closer to affording some counter tops! Woo!

Check Out All The Pix!

I finally got off my butt and transferred a ton of pictures to baby pink lappie, so HERE WE GO!

A few weeks ago Scott and I finally got around to buying a new bed. RC Willey was having an amazing sale, with a couple hundred dollars off plus a free headboard, a free sheet set, free pillows, and a free little HDTV:

Scott's been using it as a computer monitor (surprise, surprise). It actually died on him the other day, but when he brought it back in to the store they were happy to replace it so no harm done.

 So here's our beautiful, soft, comfy, BIG, king-sized bed:

Buster has been getting really good at holding treats on his nose until we say "ok".

The gorgeous Em has gone platinum blonde! She looks amazing:

She and I have similar coloring, so that makes me wonder if I would look good blonde...hmmm...

When we went to Maddox with Li I took a picture of the rolls, because YUM:

I bought a new purse, and it totally makes me think of Indiana Jones. I love it and it smells so good:

I took a picture of the swelling on my ankle last week:

Fortunately, it's getting much, much better. I think I might be back in the gym by tomorrow!

When Scott gets sad (say, when we spend $4600...) he hugs Buster, even though Buster doesn't like being hugged:

We found a new mask for Scott to wear under his cloak when he passes out candy this Halloween:

Of course, we had to put it on Buster, who was not amused:

And that's it!

No Pain, No Gain, Right?

Sometime on Wednesday my left ankle started hurting. It wasn't too bad; mostly just a little ache that went away when I sat down. It felt like maybe something had popped out of joint, or I had bent it too far, or something small like that.

Thursday while I was at work it started getting worse. I shifted all my weight onto my right foot and limped a bit, and when I got home I wrapped it up in an Ace bandage and elevated it for the rest of the night. As long as I wasn't standing on it, it felt fine.

Then I woke up this morning, and from the very first step I knew I would have to see a doctor. It had changed from a dull ache to a STABBING! PAIN! every time I stepped on it. I planned on getting to work, getting everything done as quickly as I could, then going into InstaCare to get it looked at. Work wasn't so bad. I was pretty busy, so I was standing and walking all day, but I could rest my weight on my right foot and the left wouldn't hurt so much (unfortunately, this meant my right foot started to ache...), and I limped around until everything was all set up to run by itself. I asked my boss to report my results when they were finished, and he's super nice so he said he would, and I headed over to see the doctor.

Fortunately, the doctor on call was a sports medicine doctor that I had seen before. I had thought initially that maybe it was a sprain, and then later when the pain was sharper I thought it might be a stress fracture (I had had one like six years ago and it felt remarkably similar), but it turns out I have Bursitis. Basically, there's a little sac in between the Achilles tendon and the bones in the heel of the foot, and mine got inflamed. The doctor thinks it's because I started exercising too aggressively, with the incline on the treadmill too high. Oops.  I suppose over enthusiasm can be a bad thing...

So, I'm supposed to ice it, do stretches, take naproxen, and stay off it for a few days, then be more conservative with my treadmilling. Sad. Really pumping up the incline was what was really increasing my heart rate and making me burn more calories. I'll have to work on going faster to make up for it (or maybe I'll be bad and work the incline back in, gradually so as not to injure myself again...)!

Chromium Sucks!

So we have one lab we contract with that sends us samples to be tested for chromium on the MS. Time after time after time, they send us samples, we test them, and then they demand a retest because they aren't happy with the results. Every time. For many months. If it were me, I would send them to a different lab if I weren't happy with the results. It's not that I don't trust our methods, but every method has a flaw, and perhaps their specific types of samples just don't work with ours, or else their samples really don't have the proper amount of Cr in them.

My coworker and I both run these, and we both get different results, and both our results are out of spec: too low. We're a bit tired of it all...

But at least every time we run them, the samples have some Cr in them. When I ran a million of them last night while I was at home, I came in this morning to find that they all had 0.000 ppb...so something wasn't right. The very same method had worked fine the day before. It was reading the Cr QC just fine. I figured maybe there had been a clog last night and started it up again this morning, but I had the same results! Good calibration, good QC, BAD results. ZERO results, actually.

So, my boss and I decided to keep trying different things. First up, we decided to test other isotopes of Cr. We had only been looking at mass 53, but we set it up to read 50, 51, and 54 as well. We started it up again, and VOILA, it was reading and calibrating very well on masses 50 and 51 (53 was crappy, and 54 was completely worthless). HOWEVER. The results were still out of spec, but instead of being too low like they always were with mass 53 they were too high! FRUSTRATION!

First I made a new QC, just to make sure. It was a little high, but still fine. Then I made new standards and started the whole thing over again. Still a little high, but now in the acceptable +/- 10% range. I made a new blank as well. Everything was now working AWESOMELY, but we were still getting high results with 50 and 51, and low results with 53, and complete garbage with 54.

BLEH.

I left it running this afternoon while I went to see a doctor. I hope it behaved for my boss. We'll see if they call us, demanding retests...

Vacationy Things

So these past few weeks have been quite busy! On Wednesday the 8th I picked Li up at the airport. I left for work the next morning and didn't see her before I left. She and Scott hung out all day on Thursday (Scott was able to get more days off than I did) and when I got home we talked and made dinner and watched videos on YouTube. It was just really relaxing and fun. Friday she was picked up by a friend, and she spent the next several days with friends in Provo, and then with her sister in Plymouth.

The following Friday, the 17th, I had taken the day off work so I got up in the morning, went to the gym (and got a great workout in!) and then went to pick Li up in Plymouth. Scott suggested we go to Maddox for lunch, so he came along with me. Lunch was SO TASTY. We almost never go there, since it's such a long drive, but it was on the way home from Li's sister's house. I had forgotten how good their rolls were! I ate WAY too much, but we only go there every couple of years so it's totally ok, right?

When we all got home from that Li and I hunkered down on the couch with munchies and watched movies for the rest of the night. Saturday morning I brought Li along with me to the gym, then we showered and headed down to Salt Lake for the State Fair. We went first thing in the morning, so there weren't too many people, and we didn't have to wait in line for anything until we were about to leave. It was pretty hot, but there were shady spots where we could sit down so it wasn't too bad. We had put on sunscreen, but both of us forgot our chests, so now I have this weird sunburn with my purse strap across it.

I was really excited about fair food. A fair is like the one chance I get all year to eat cotton candy and funnel cake (although we didn't end up getting either of those; we settled on fresh mini-donuts with sugar, a slushie, gyros (the best I've ever had, I think), and fudge). We rode rides, too, which was very fun! I forgot how much fun it is to act like a kid. I also forgot how nauseating some of those rides were...my stomach could handle more than Li's, though, so when Li wanted a rest I would go ride one she didn't want to ride (she doesn't like up and down ones where she feels like she's falling). After we had been there about four hours I was definitely done. I was tired, hot, sick, and thirsty. We headed on home and got frozen custard from Nielsen's on the way, and when we got home it was JAMMIE TIME! and we sacked out on the couch for the rest of the night, watching more movies and some Bones.

Sunday morning Li wanted to go to church, and I didn't want her to have to go alone, so I went along. We went to the building that's only a few blocks from us. Since I'm a heathen, I had no idea what time church was supposed to start, but everywhere I've lived there has been a meeting at 9:00, so I figured that was a safe assumption. Well, there was a meeting at 9:00, but it was a Tongan ward...oops. We figured we were already there, so we stayed. The service was half in English, half in Tongan, which, it turns out, is a very pretty, melodic sort of language. There was a translator, so we weren't totally in the dark, but it felt a little awkward all the same.

We came home, changed back into pajamas, and set up a LAN. For the rest of the day the three of us played Warcraft 3 (nerdy!), since it's sort of a tradition that we play every time Li visits.

Monday we slept in, then watched more Bones while we waited for it to be time for our SPA APPOINTMENTS, OH YES. We went to a spa I had never been to before, but will definitely visit again, because for only $65 we got our hands, feet, backs, arms, and faces massaged and exfoliated and steamed...we were soft like buttah. We smelled good, too! After that we went to Zupas for lunch, where we had the most awesome salads and sandwiches, and we even split a brownie, but it wasn't as tasty as it looked. When we got home we decided that we should watch Pride And Prejudice (the BBC version), so we started that, and we were only half watching it while we talked about boys and such. Around 7:00 the three of us decided we were hungry, so we went to Olive Garden for dinner, and then when we got home we finished our movie and then went to bed.

Tuesday morning I drove Li to the airport, after which I went to Nyah's three-month doctor appointment with Kwiddens and Isaac. Poor Nyah had to get shots, and she was NOT happy about it. We all went to lunch, and then at that point I was really starting to feel sick, so I headed home and napped.

So that was my mini-vacation with Li. It was really fun, and so nice to see her, and now the next time I see her will probably be next summer, when I'll fly out to Boston for a change.

Other, semi-related or un-related things:

Taking three days off work is apparently a really really bad idea, since I came back to utter chaos and a giant pile of samples. I'm not even close to caught up. It doesn't help that we had people cleaning in the lab today, so we didn't have use of the hood until around noon (usually I start working in there around 9:00...so you can see how far behind I was). I'm sure I'll get a lot more done tomorrow, and I'll probably be completely caught up.

I've been slowly getting sick over the past week or so. Whatever it was, it hit Scott and Jon much harder than it hit me, thank goodness. I think it's just a mild flu, but I really lucked out, since all I have is a very sore throat, a stuffy/runny nose, and body aches. I can deal with that and still go to work.

Buster desperately needs a bath, but I'm too lazy, so I'm thinking about just spending the $35 to have it professionally done.

I found a really good deal on a heart rate monitor watch. It has a calorie counter thing in it, too. I'm really excited to try it out, but I'm going to have to wait until I don't feel like I got hit by a bus to go back to the gym.

I finally got a new purse last week while Li and I were shopping. It's from New York and Company, and it was on clearance for only $10. I win. It looks like a slightly more fashionable Indiana Jones bag. It smells lovely. I love the smell of new leather.

I think now is a good time to go collapse into a hot bath, then drag myself to bed early. I hope I can beat this bug, and soon. I want my voice back.

What The Hell?!

My dad and I don't speak to each other. Occasionally I feel sad about this, because I think he used to love me, back when he adopted me, but now I think he feels the same way about me that I finally feel about him: I nothing him.

When I say I nothing him, it's like saying I hate him or I care about him or I (insert verb indicating feelings here) him. Except, I feel nothing toward him most of the time, so I nothing him.

Sometimes, though, I get angry and want to go punch his face in, because if I ever tried to tell him how I feel he would get angry and defensive and call me terrible names and such or he would just walk away, ignoring me completely. Really mature, right? Either way, he wouldn't even care to hear about it. But it's pretty hard to ignore a strong punch in the face.

My memories of my dad consist of three things:

5% Warm and fuzzy memories of when he actually listened to me or said something nice to or about me,

60% Not being home, out doing other things with other people, ignoring his family's emotional (and sometimes physical) needs,

35% Being home and yelling at or criticising me (or all of us) about something stupid that either isn't even true or is something no person in his right mind would get angry about (one time I got in huge trouble for getting ice out of the freezer without asking...not even kidding).

When I took the ACT and got a 34 (out of 36) he basically told me I was stupid and I should have done better. And for a while there, I did think I was stupid because I thought he was so smart and he knew so much about the world and the way things should be. Apparently, I was incredible naive. I pushed myself to my limits in school and got all sorts of awards along with my perfect grades and the mountains of extracurricular activities I put on my transcript, and he never acknowledged that I was doing well (Mim, however, was always very proud of me and supported me in everything I tried to do. Even gymnastics, which was a total failure, but she was proud of me for trying).

One of our running family jokes was that if something would make him mad, we would all get the silent treatment for exactly 3.5 days, to the hour. I'm not even kidding. It was so perfectly consistent that we actually found it funny. The exception was the summer before I left for college, when he refused to talk to Mim for three months, resulting in her breaking down and ending up in the psych ward for a week. He, of course, denies he ever did that. Now I find it both funny and pathetic (not the Mim in the hospital part, the 3.5 days part).

Sadly, he was such a "good person" in my eyes that I wanted to be just like him, so I immersed myself in religion and science and wanted to be a doctor just like him. It took me years to figure out that he is a selfish, arrogant, holier-than-thou, racist (very very racist) person, and once I realized that I was able to let go of a lot of things I had been very angry and hurt about. I even feel sorry for him sometimes. But, once again, for the most part I nothing him.

All this aside, the reason I sometimes get so angry at him is this:

He cheated on Mim and nearly destroyed our family. Em was so torn up about it she tried to commit suicide and ended up in the psych ward for a week (I'm thinking there's a pattern to this). Jorg lost his faith in God, because he prayed and prayed and prayed and God never answered his prayers that our family might somehow be mended. I had to deal with a lot of this during my first year of marriage, which was hard enough in and of itself, with my being sick and our being broke and my not being able to find a job. Mim was so heartsick she couldn't eat anything for months and lost about 50 lbs.

He used Kwiddens. She knew about the other woman and he was nice to her for the first time ever and so Kwiddens felt obligated to stay out of it and not tell Mim about the affair. He would have Kwiddens tell Mim he was hanging out with her when he was actually with the other woman. I used to be angry at Kwiddens for this but now I understand how horrible the whole situation was and that staying out of it was probably for the better.

Everyone in my family went through hell and a half.

So about the other woman: her name is Cambria (total stripper name...) and she was (get this): his patient. Ethics apparently be damned. Even to this day, he lies to all of us and claims they are "just friends", even though we all know from outside sources that they are engaged. That just drives me crazy: that he thinks we will just fall for his stupid lies, and that he's not man enough to admit that he's done something wrong, even when we all caught him with his hands in the cookie jar.

Every time I think I am over this, something new comes up. Usually it involves the way he treats Em, Jorg, and Kwiddens, especially Kwiddens. For some reason he has always had it out for her, ever since the day he married Mim. I had it bad, but she had it way worse. He picked on her relentlessly and I don't know how she gets past that on a daily basis. I understand that Kwiddens's getting pregnant wasn't the best thing to happen, but things happen and we move on and make the best of it, yes? Our whole family is now in love with this beautiful little baby and we are so proud of Kwiddens for making such a beautiful little baby and being an amazing mother, and we are happy to have Isaac in the family. All of us except for Dad. Dad now refuses to even speak to Kwiddens and has no desire to see the baby, which I find totally heartbreaking, because there will come a time when Nyah will ask, "Why don't I have two grandpas?" (or three, depending on if you count our BioDad) and someone will have to say "Well, he doesn't love you" (or something) (how would you even answer that question??).

So, something else happened that brought it all back and I feel like I have to start all over again.

Yesterday I found out that he's getting married. Tomorrow. He didn't bother to tell me, Kwiddens, or Mim. We only found out because he invited Em and Jorg.

I don't resent Em and Jorg at all for this. I'm even proud of them that they're mature and kind enough to rise above it all and wish him happiness. But I can't help but think that maybe if I were actually his biological child maybe he would love me enough to invite me to his wedding.

It seems I'm not meant to have a father figure in my life. I'm usually fine with that. But sometimes I get so jealous of people who spend time with their fathers and look up to and respect them. I just can't respect him. I think I might even stop calling him Dad. It seems harsh I suppose, but apparently he doesn't think of me as his daughter any more, so from now on, he's just Jason.

What a prick.

Also, you would not believe how many awful words I used in my first draft of this post. Extensive editing brought it back down to a PG-13 level.