If You're Uncomfortable...

...with menstruation, skip this post.

A little while after Scott and I got married I was having stabbing abdominal pains (which turned out to be IBS, which means they couldn't figure it out), and first we thought it might be reproductive, since it felt like my ovaries were being skewered with a hot poker. A dull one. So fun. I went to see a gynecologist, and she was mean to me, but she did find some cysts on my ovaries (which weren't the cause of the pain), and to get rid of them she switched me to Lybrel. It was brand new on the market when she prescribed it to me, and I LOVED it. It's a continuous dose of hormone with no breaks ever, which means...drumroll please...NO PERIOD. EVER.

Here are the reasons I loved this:

1. Periods are gross. I don't need to elaborate on this.
2. PMS went bye-bye. And when you're bipolar, you don't need the added hormonal fluctuations for a week every month. I'm not fully functional anyway (see #3), so I don't need to be emotionally screwed as well.
3. I used to be the one girl who got cramps so bad that I had to take narcotics to be able to get out of bed in the morning. These cramps were literally debilitating. Sucko.
4. I didn't have to take a week off of sex every month. Sorry if that's TMI, but it's the truth.
5. Periods are gross.

So, anyway, I was in birth control heaven, and then a month ago we had to switch health insurance.

BAH.

Our new insurance sucks lollipops, so the copay went from $13 for these magical pills to $70! Yikes! Now, Scott made it quite clear that if he had to pay $70 a month to not have to deal with PMS, that that would be totally fine by him. TOTALLY FINE. However, I decided to go see if there were another option.

I got to the gynecologist, and I had a new one this time, and she wasn't awkward at all, which was AWESOME, and we discussed birth control options. It turns out Lybrel is completely unique. There's nothing like it, and it will be something like ten years before the patent is up and someone can make it generic. The next best option was to find another continuous dose pill (a.k.a. not a cycle of monthly doses) and just take it back to back with no breaks. With this I would have to have a period every four months, which is better than every month, so it's not a total loss.

So new, $15 birth control. Ok. Dealing with it. Here's the problem:

In between the Lybrel and the new pills my doc said I needed to let my body have a period. Oh joy. So this past weekend, for the first time in almost four years, I had a very special sort of week.

Poor Scott. I had forgotten how bad my PMS was before. Scott and I always joke around that even though I'm nuts, he still has it better than all the other dudes because he doesn't have to deal with PMS. Well, now he does. He hid from me. I was AWFUL. I was trying so hard to just keep my mouth shut, but I wanted to cry and laugh and scream and just sleep forever all at the same time, and just for kicks you can add in an uncontrollable craving for cheesecake. Everything was irritating me. I would say something, and not even realize it was mean until after I had already said it, so I lose. LOSE.

The worst part was that I felt completely out of control. I felt like I was in a car with a terribly drunk driver and I kept telling him to pull over and let me drive because he was all over the sidewalks and hitting pedestrians and speeding and running red lights and he WOULD. NOT. PULL. OVER. Worst feeling ever.

So it's over, and I don't have to deal with it until...April.

I think it's going to be a challenge keeping my cool at work during those special weeks, though. Is this how all women feel once a month? No wonder men make so many PMS jokes. I finally get it. I turn into a freaking monster. I don't want to be that woman who loses her cool and has to say to her (male) boss, "Gee, sorry I'm a total ho this week, I'm on my period!" and get a totally embarrassed look in return. I don't want to be weak and emotional just because I was born with a uterus. Sucks to be me, apparently.

I did get my cheesecake. I went to Marie Callender's with my sisters and Mim, and I had some there, but they were out of cherry cheesecake, which is what I really really wanted, so I settled for caramel. It was amazing, but not what I was craving. No good.

I still want cheesecake, but I'm back to dieting (I let myself eat whatever I wanted while I was...out of service) and I'm not going to cheat until I hit a ten pound mark, which will be 153 pounds.

OH! That reminds me! I almost forgot to tell you!

The gyno said that Lybrel makes it harder for you to lose weight, and that switching might help me lose it and keep it off! HAPPY!

Reverb 10: Core Story

December 31 Core Story


What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)

Let's think. What could be a common thread running through my reflections for the past month (and before that, too)?

FOOD ISSUES. Weight issues. Etc.

I share it with the world here on these pages. It helps me get it out. It helps me sort through it. And it helps me look at it in a (slightly) more objective manner. Also, it makes me feel like I'm accountable to more than just myself.

This is the last prompt. I reached my goal! I didn't like some of the prompts. I really related to some of them. But I was glad to respond to all of them, just so I could say I did. Maybe I'll do it again next year.

Reverb 10: Achieve

December 28 Achieve


What's the thing you most want to achieve next year?  How do you imagine you'll feel when you get it? Free? Happy? Complete? Blissful? Write that feeling down. Then, brainstorm 10 things you can do, or 10 new thoughts you can think, in order to experience that feeling today.

I want to get down to my ideal weight. That's all I really want to achieve. I mean, yes, I want to get more done on the house and I definitely want to knit more beautiful things and I want to keep blogging; there are definitely other things that I want to achieve. BUT, this is the biggest goal I have for this year. It's within reach. I know I can get there. But once I get there...

...I have to maintain it. I HAVE to. I know I've been sort of obsessing about it lately, but I will go insane and do crazy things if I don't. It's going to be hard. I'm just going to have to say no to so many tasty things. But it will be worth it in the end.

Now, when I make it down to my ideal weight, I'm going to feel hope. Hope that I can keep working hard and keep the weight off. Hope that I'll continue to get regular exercise. Hope that I'll eventually be able to break this stupid cycle of weight loss (and loving myself) and weight gain (and hating myself) and be happy and whole.

Ten things I can do or think today (or in the next few weeks, maybe?) that can help me experience a feeling of hope today (or in the next few weeks, maybe?):

1. Thought: I have eaten nothing but good, healthy food since the day after Christmas. I know that's only three days so far, but I'm thinking positive here.
2. Action: I will continue to eat nothing but good, healthy food. I know I can't portion, so I'm just not going to tempt myself. It's a little easier since Scott is dieting, too.
3. Thought: I feel great when I exercise.
4. Action: I will get to the gym at least three times a week consistently, and five days a week if I can.
5. Thought: I am stronger than my cravings.
6. Action: I will stop and think when I crave something. I will try to figure out what emotion I'm experiencing, and go from there.
7. Thought: I am beautiful regardless of my shape or size.
8. Action: I will ignore the mirror on bad days, and prance around in front of it on good days.
9. Thought: Although weight matters, it's more about how healthy I feel.
10. Action: I will continue to weigh myself, because I don't think I can NOT weigh myself, but I will gauge my progress more by how much energy I have and how I feel about myself. This doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying to lose weight. It just means that if I get down to 140 pounds (the upper "healthy" weight limit for my height) and I feel healthy, I won't obsess over losing more.

I'm betting putting these thoughts into action is going to be easier said than done. But what kind of a journey would life be if I got it all easily? I'll just have to chant to myself "Whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger" over and over (and then be mad that I can't eat candy).

And check it out. I'm all caught up! Until tomorrow.