Magnolia tagged me, and I needed something to write, so here you go!
1) If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals, or are they members of your family?
Since we're not planning on having kids, Buster is a member of our family. He's our baby. And we spoil him accordingly. Lately I've been giving him meat trimmings while I'm cooking (sort of) and now every time I go into the kitchen he follows me and looks at me expectantly. I also give him too many treats without making him do tricks. He doesn't want to eat his regular food as much anymore, so maybe this is a problem. He's not starving, so I think I'm good.
2) If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
There are a lot of things I would like to see happen, and most of them I actually wouldn't want to happen because they would change fundamental things in my life that I'm extremely happy about. For example, I would love to own my own yarn/craft store, but that would mean giving up my job, which I love, and giving up chemistry, which I really love.
3) What is the one thing most hated by you?
"easy. willful ignorance." I copy this. If you don't know about something, that's fine, because you can learn something and rectify the situation. But there are so many people who are content to be ignorant, simply striving for mediocrity, and that, my friends, is the real meaning of stupidity. The worst part is, most willfully ignorant people despise those who would learn and grow. Almost my entire extended family on Mim's side are like this. It makes family reunions so interesting.
4) What would you do with a billion dollars?
Pay off my house and Mim's house, buy Kwiddens a house, set up trust funds for Em and Jorg and Nyah, buy everyone cars, start my own business (and one for Scott, too), etc. I'm sure I wouldn't be able to use up even a million of it before I ran out of ideas.
5) What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Scott can usually pull me out of a bad mood, but if not, there's always yarn. Unless I'm having a panicky sort of bad mood, in which case I take Klonopin, then use the yarn.
6) Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
How about both? It sucks to be at one end of only one of those. On one, you feel hopeless that the other person will ever love you, and on the other one you feel like you're being creepy-stalked.
7) What is your bedtime routine?
Take medicine and brush my teeth, change into pajamas, turn on my electric blanket and climb into bed with my lappie, surf the internet while Scott surfs the internet on his side of the bed on his lappie, or maybe read a bit of a book, then I start trying to fall asleep while Scott drinks his chocolate milk and eats his crackers.
8) If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner?
Hot Or Not. No joke. We were both on there just for funsies and we said hi and started talking online here and there (this was my sophomore year of college) and then we started talking like every day in November of my Junior year, and then he came out to Utah for a funeral (he had been living in Colorado) and while he was there we met and had a great time together, so when he got back to Colorado he packed up and moved back here (he was originally from Bountiful) and that was that.
9) If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be?
I don't like watching people come up with things. It takes time. It's like watching paint dry. I'd rather see the end result.
10) What kinds of books do you read?
Knitting books, my favorites over and over (Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, The Chronicles of Narnia, Leven Thumps, I know I'm one of those dorks), and sometimes I make it to the library and check out a classic, like something by Jane Austen. I used to read a lot more, but I find that I enjoy knitting more lately.
11) How would you see yourself in ten years' time?
Probably roughly where I am now, but older and richer.
12) What's your fear?
SPIDERS. I hate them. They're gross and creepy and scary. I'm also afraid of losing people, and losing my sanity.
13) Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space?
Space isn't cool; all that's out there (within reach) is space junk. BORING. I love ice cream too much.
14) Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?
Married and poor wasn't too bad.
15) What's the first thing you do when you wake up?
Hit snooze. And again. And again. Then I let Buster outside.
16) If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner, what would it be?
I wish he recognized his brilliance and potential. He's down on himself a lot of the time and I wish he had the same amount of faith in himself that I have in him: a TON.
17) If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
Don't wanna.
18) Have you ever been betrayed by a family member? What did you do to get through it and go on with life? What made it better? Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done?
Well, I've touched on this in the past. I have been betrayed. I'm still in the middle of it with someone. Getting through it involves getting together with people that understand the need to trash talk and trash talking the crap out of this person. I don't really mean it (well...most of it) but it helps to rant. I can never forget, but in other cases I've been able to forgive. The thing is, I'm going to have a hard time forgiving if the person would never even admit he's done anything wrong, let alone apologize for it.
19) If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
My first instinct was ice cream, but then Magnolia said salad and it hit me: there are so many more varieties of salad! And I wouldn't feel like crap all the time! I had some salad at a great salad bar the other night with Kwiddens, and it always hits the spot.
Showing posts with label Crazy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Crazy. Show all posts
Monday, January 17, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
If You're Uncomfortable...
...with menstruation, skip this post.
A little while after Scott and I got married I was having stabbing abdominal pains (which turned out to be IBS, which means they couldn't figure it out), and first we thought it might be reproductive, since it felt like my ovaries were being skewered with a hot poker. A dull one. So fun. I went to see a gynecologist, and she was mean to me, but she did find some cysts on my ovaries (which weren't the cause of the pain), and to get rid of them she switched me to Lybrel. It was brand new on the market when she prescribed it to me, and I LOVED it. It's a continuous dose of hormone with no breaks ever, which means...drumroll please...NO PERIOD. EVER.
Here are the reasons I loved this:
1. Periods are gross. I don't need to elaborate on this.
2. PMS went bye-bye. And when you're bipolar, you don't need the added hormonal fluctuations for a week every month. I'm not fully functional anyway (see #3), so I don't need to be emotionally screwed as well.
3. I used to be the one girl who got cramps so bad that I had to take narcotics to be able to get out of bed in the morning. These cramps were literally debilitating. Sucko.
4. I didn't have to take a week off of sex every month. Sorry if that's TMI, but it's the truth.
5. Periods are gross.
So, anyway, I was in birth control heaven, and then a month ago we had to switch health insurance.
BAH.
Our new insurance sucks lollipops, so the copay went from $13 for these magical pills to $70! Yikes! Now, Scott made it quite clear that if he had to pay $70 a month to not have to deal with PMS, that that would be totally fine by him. TOTALLY FINE. However, I decided to go see if there were another option.
I got to the gynecologist, and I had a new one this time, and she wasn't awkward at all, which was AWESOME, and we discussed birth control options. It turns out Lybrel is completely unique. There's nothing like it, and it will be something like ten years before the patent is up and someone can make it generic. The next best option was to find another continuous dose pill (a.k.a. not a cycle of monthly doses) and just take it back to back with no breaks. With this I would have to have a period every four months, which is better than every month, so it's not a total loss.
So new, $15 birth control. Ok. Dealing with it. Here's the problem:
In between the Lybrel and the new pills my doc said I needed to let my body have a period. Oh joy. So this past weekend, for the first time in almost four years, I had a very special sort of week.
Poor Scott. I had forgotten how bad my PMS was before. Scott and I always joke around that even though I'm nuts, he still has it better than all the other dudes because he doesn't have to deal with PMS. Well, now he does. He hid from me. I was AWFUL. I was trying so hard to just keep my mouth shut, but I wanted to cry and laugh and scream and just sleep forever all at the same time, and just for kicks you can add in an uncontrollable craving for cheesecake. Everything was irritating me. I would say something, and not even realize it was mean until after I had already said it, so I lose. LOSE.
The worst part was that I felt completely out of control. I felt like I was in a car with a terribly drunk driver and I kept telling him to pull over and let me drive because he was all over the sidewalks and hitting pedestrians and speeding and running red lights and he WOULD. NOT. PULL. OVER. Worst feeling ever.
So it's over, and I don't have to deal with it until...April.
I think it's going to be a challenge keeping my cool at work during those special weeks, though. Is this how all women feel once a month? No wonder men make so many PMS jokes. I finally get it. I turn into a freaking monster. I don't want to be that woman who loses her cool and has to say to her (male) boss, "Gee, sorry I'm a total ho this week, I'm on my period!" and get a totally embarrassed look in return. I don't want to be weak and emotional just because I was born with a uterus. Sucks to be me, apparently.
I did get my cheesecake. I went to Marie Callender's with my sisters and Mim, and I had some there, but they were out of cherry cheesecake, which is what I really really wanted, so I settled for caramel. It was amazing, but not what I was craving. No good.
I still want cheesecake, but I'm back to dieting (I let myself eat whatever I wanted while I was...out of service) and I'm not going to cheat until I hit a ten pound mark, which will be 153 pounds.
OH! That reminds me! I almost forgot to tell you!
The gyno said that Lybrel makes it harder for you to lose weight, and that switching might help me lose it and keep it off! HAPPY!
A little while after Scott and I got married I was having stabbing abdominal pains (which turned out to be IBS, which means they couldn't figure it out), and first we thought it might be reproductive, since it felt like my ovaries were being skewered with a hot poker. A dull one. So fun. I went to see a gynecologist, and she was mean to me, but she did find some cysts on my ovaries (which weren't the cause of the pain), and to get rid of them she switched me to Lybrel. It was brand new on the market when she prescribed it to me, and I LOVED it. It's a continuous dose of hormone with no breaks ever, which means...drumroll please...NO PERIOD. EVER.
Here are the reasons I loved this:
1. Periods are gross. I don't need to elaborate on this.
2. PMS went bye-bye. And when you're bipolar, you don't need the added hormonal fluctuations for a week every month. I'm not fully functional anyway (see #3), so I don't need to be emotionally screwed as well.
3. I used to be the one girl who got cramps so bad that I had to take narcotics to be able to get out of bed in the morning. These cramps were literally debilitating. Sucko.
4. I didn't have to take a week off of sex every month. Sorry if that's TMI, but it's the truth.
5. Periods are gross.
So, anyway, I was in birth control heaven, and then a month ago we had to switch health insurance.
BAH.
Our new insurance sucks lollipops, so the copay went from $13 for these magical pills to $70! Yikes! Now, Scott made it quite clear that if he had to pay $70 a month to not have to deal with PMS, that that would be totally fine by him. TOTALLY FINE. However, I decided to go see if there were another option.
I got to the gynecologist, and I had a new one this time, and she wasn't awkward at all, which was AWESOME, and we discussed birth control options. It turns out Lybrel is completely unique. There's nothing like it, and it will be something like ten years before the patent is up and someone can make it generic. The next best option was to find another continuous dose pill (a.k.a. not a cycle of monthly doses) and just take it back to back with no breaks. With this I would have to have a period every four months, which is better than every month, so it's not a total loss.
So new, $15 birth control. Ok. Dealing with it. Here's the problem:
In between the Lybrel and the new pills my doc said I needed to let my body have a period. Oh joy. So this past weekend, for the first time in almost four years, I had a very special sort of week.
Poor Scott. I had forgotten how bad my PMS was before. Scott and I always joke around that even though I'm nuts, he still has it better than all the other dudes because he doesn't have to deal with PMS. Well, now he does. He hid from me. I was AWFUL. I was trying so hard to just keep my mouth shut, but I wanted to cry and laugh and scream and just sleep forever all at the same time, and just for kicks you can add in an uncontrollable craving for cheesecake. Everything was irritating me. I would say something, and not even realize it was mean until after I had already said it, so I lose. LOSE.
The worst part was that I felt completely out of control. I felt like I was in a car with a terribly drunk driver and I kept telling him to pull over and let me drive because he was all over the sidewalks and hitting pedestrians and speeding and running red lights and he WOULD. NOT. PULL. OVER. Worst feeling ever.
So it's over, and I don't have to deal with it until...April.
I think it's going to be a challenge keeping my cool at work during those special weeks, though. Is this how all women feel once a month? No wonder men make so many PMS jokes. I finally get it. I turn into a freaking monster. I don't want to be that woman who loses her cool and has to say to her (male) boss, "Gee, sorry I'm a total ho this week, I'm on my period!" and get a totally embarrassed look in return. I don't want to be weak and emotional just because I was born with a uterus. Sucks to be me, apparently.
I did get my cheesecake. I went to Marie Callender's with my sisters and Mim, and I had some there, but they were out of cherry cheesecake, which is what I really really wanted, so I settled for caramel. It was amazing, but not what I was craving. No good.
I still want cheesecake, but I'm back to dieting (I let myself eat whatever I wanted while I was...out of service) and I'm not going to cheat until I hit a ten pound mark, which will be 153 pounds.
OH! That reminds me! I almost forgot to tell you!
The gyno said that Lybrel makes it harder for you to lose weight, and that switching might help me lose it and keep it off! HAPPY!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Reverb 10: Everything's Ok
December 24 Everything's Ok
What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be all right? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?
There were many of these moments this year. They all involved my freaking out about something silly (or, only occasionally, not silly) and Scott saying "Everything will be fine, you worry too much, yadda yadda etc.", then my saying "Yeah, you're right, I'm a total fruit." He talks me down every time. Seriously, I got so lucky when I met my Scott.
This doesn't happen all of a sudden for me. It's the cumulative effect of many moments, so as time goes by I worry less and less. I will never not worry because, let's face it, I'm me. But I'm getting better, slowly but surely.
What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be all right? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?
There were many of these moments this year. They all involved my freaking out about something silly (or, only occasionally, not silly) and Scott saying "Everything will be fine, you worry too much, yadda yadda etc.", then my saying "Yeah, you're right, I'm a total fruit." He talks me down every time. Seriously, I got so lucky when I met my Scott.
This doesn't happen all of a sudden for me. It's the cumulative effect of many moments, so as time goes by I worry less and less. I will never not worry because, let's face it, I'm me. But I'm getting better, slowly but surely.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Reverb 10: Healing
December 19 Healing
What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?
What a loaded question.
I've been healing for years now, from all sorts of things. It's always a long process. It's always a difficult process. It may never end, but I'll keep trying.
I think the biggest single thing that healed me (of what, I don't know) this past year was blogging. It's been a little surprising to me how much I've learned about myself while I'm writing. It's good to think about what's going on in my head. It's weird in there, for sure, but there are some good things floating around in there as well.
I think having a place to write whatever I want, or whatever I need, sometimes, is so healthy for me. I mean, yes, a lot of the time my content is just about daily life, or pictures of Buster or The Best Baby Ever, but sometimes when something's really eating at me I can write a bit, and I don't write much, but for every word I write there are five more in my head that I didn't share with you all, and putting some of it down helps me sort out the rest. Trust me, you're glad I have a filter (I'm freaking nuts, remember?).
So this is gradual. It's slow. And I'm ok with that.
So how would I like to be healed in 2011? Well, the biggest thing I'm constantly worrying about right now is my crappy emotional eating problems. I don't know if I'll ever be able to heal the emotional roots of this problem, but hopefully this coming year I can at least break the cycle and find another way to express those emotions. Who knows, maybe I'll change from an emotional eater to an emotional marathon runner. I'd have great legs, for sure...
What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?
What a loaded question.
I've been healing for years now, from all sorts of things. It's always a long process. It's always a difficult process. It may never end, but I'll keep trying.
I think the biggest single thing that healed me (of what, I don't know) this past year was blogging. It's been a little surprising to me how much I've learned about myself while I'm writing. It's good to think about what's going on in my head. It's weird in there, for sure, but there are some good things floating around in there as well.
I think having a place to write whatever I want, or whatever I need, sometimes, is so healthy for me. I mean, yes, a lot of the time my content is just about daily life, or pictures of Buster or The Best Baby Ever, but sometimes when something's really eating at me I can write a bit, and I don't write much, but for every word I write there are five more in my head that I didn't share with you all, and putting some of it down helps me sort out the rest. Trust me, you're glad I have a filter (I'm freaking nuts, remember?).
So this is gradual. It's slow. And I'm ok with that.
So how would I like to be healed in 2011? Well, the biggest thing I'm constantly worrying about right now is my crappy emotional eating problems. I don't know if I'll ever be able to heal the emotional roots of this problem, but hopefully this coming year I can at least break the cycle and find another way to express those emotions. Who knows, maybe I'll change from an emotional eater to an emotional marathon runner. I'd have great legs, for sure...
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Reverb 10: Appreciate
December 14 Appreciate
What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?
There's JUST SO MUCH. There are so many amazing things I could choose from.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been very introspective lately (Reverb 10, anyone?), so I've been thinking about all the wonderful things in my life.
Also, I've been thinking a lot about food and dieting and such.
So I think for my one thing I will choose learning to eat right and maintain my weight.
Now I know, you're thinking, "Um, Anna, you kinda gained some weight back".
Well, yeah...but it wasn't until after I started slacking off. I stopped logging all my food and exercise on FatSecret. I let go of my No French Fries Rule. For months there I was at a stable weight, not going up or down. I'm convinced that if I can just get down to where I want to stay, I now have the know-how to stay there. And, honestly, I'm bordering on an eating disorder obsession with my body lately. I NEED to get thin. I need a therapist...
I've suffered from eating disorders most of my life. Seeing someone else enjoy a regular portion of a food, any food, without any associated emotion is enigmatic to me. I've always had something else going on in my mind when I eat. For a few months I felt like I had broken that horrible cycle. I felt like I was actually in control. And, not surprisingly, I felt beautiful.
I've spent this whole year studying about diet and exercise. I have all the facts. I just need to start using them.
So on December 26, Scott and I are going on a diet. We're going to encourage each other, eat meals together, and get busy doing stuff on the house so we're not tempted to sit around and eat. We are a good-looking couple, and when we're done you'll actually be able to tell!
What's the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?
There's JUST SO MUCH. There are so many amazing things I could choose from.
I don't know if you've noticed, but I've been very introspective lately (Reverb 10, anyone?), so I've been thinking about all the wonderful things in my life.
Also, I've been thinking a lot about food and dieting and such.
So I think for my one thing I will choose learning to eat right and maintain my weight.
Now I know, you're thinking, "Um, Anna, you kinda gained some weight back".
Well, yeah...but it wasn't until after I started slacking off. I stopped logging all my food and exercise on FatSecret. I let go of my No French Fries Rule. For months there I was at a stable weight, not going up or down. I'm convinced that if I can just get down to where I want to stay, I now have the know-how to stay there. And, honestly, I'm bordering on an eating disorder obsession with my body lately. I NEED to get thin. I need a therapist...
I've suffered from eating disorders most of my life. Seeing someone else enjoy a regular portion of a food, any food, without any associated emotion is enigmatic to me. I've always had something else going on in my mind when I eat. For a few months I felt like I had broken that horrible cycle. I felt like I was actually in control. And, not surprisingly, I felt beautiful.
I've spent this whole year studying about diet and exercise. I have all the facts. I just need to start using them.
So on December 26, Scott and I are going on a diet. We're going to encourage each other, eat meals together, and get busy doing stuff on the house so we're not tempted to sit around and eat. We are a good-looking couple, and when we're done you'll actually be able to tell!
Monday, December 13, 2010
Reverb 10: 11 Things
December 11 11 Things
What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?
My life doesn't need:
1. Clutter. I'm going to try not to buy things I don't need. This does not include new music, movies, or TV. This does include jewelry I don't ever get a chance to wear, extra clothes or shoes, even books about yarn that I realistically won't get a chance to use. I'm even not going to buy yarn unless I need it for a specific project. I have plenty.
2. Prejudice. I need to stop making snap judgements made from one small characteristic I see in someone, or from one little thing someone does. I don't do this often, though; mostly when I'm driving. Someone does something stupid and I assume they must be an idiot, when I do stupid things while driving just as often.
3. Food. I mean junk food. I need to fall in love with vegetables again.
4. Drama. I need to work on letting things go and on turning the other cheek. Some days I wake up and take everything personally, just because that's the mood I'm in because I'm nuts. Then I spend the whole day being mad at someone or something for no reason at all, and it totally ruins my day and stresses Scott out because he keeps thinking he did something to make me mad (you never do, Scott, you're an angel). The drama is all in my head!
5. Body fat. Gotta get rid of it!
I'm out. How about some things I do need in 2011?
1. More handmade socks. I'm working on a pair right now. I got the urge to make socks this weekend when I ran out of yarn for Mim's blanket, and when I went to grab my supplies, I had already made one sock! I had put it away and forgotten about it when I started Mim's blanket all those months ago!
2. A new floor for my kitchen. As much as I love walking around on carpet remnants...
3. I need to finish projects! This includes work on the house AND finishing as many yarny projects as I can. Eventually, I'd like to only have one or two going at any given moment. We'll see how that works out...
How will all these change my life? Well, if everything works out, my house will be cleaner, I will be happier (and have warmer feet), and I will be healthier. All good things!
What are 11 things your life doesn't need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?
My life doesn't need:
1. Clutter. I'm going to try not to buy things I don't need. This does not include new music, movies, or TV. This does include jewelry I don't ever get a chance to wear, extra clothes or shoes, even books about yarn that I realistically won't get a chance to use. I'm even not going to buy yarn unless I need it for a specific project. I have plenty.
2. Prejudice. I need to stop making snap judgements made from one small characteristic I see in someone, or from one little thing someone does. I don't do this often, though; mostly when I'm driving. Someone does something stupid and I assume they must be an idiot, when I do stupid things while driving just as often.
3. Food. I mean junk food. I need to fall in love with vegetables again.
4. Drama. I need to work on letting things go and on turning the other cheek. Some days I wake up and take everything personally, just because that's the mood I'm in because I'm nuts. Then I spend the whole day being mad at someone or something for no reason at all, and it totally ruins my day and stresses Scott out because he keeps thinking he did something to make me mad (you never do, Scott, you're an angel). The drama is all in my head!
5. Body fat. Gotta get rid of it!
I'm out. How about some things I do need in 2011?
1. More handmade socks. I'm working on a pair right now. I got the urge to make socks this weekend when I ran out of yarn for Mim's blanket, and when I went to grab my supplies, I had already made one sock! I had put it away and forgotten about it when I started Mim's blanket all those months ago!
2. A new floor for my kitchen. As much as I love walking around on carpet remnants...
3. I need to finish projects! This includes work on the house AND finishing as many yarny projects as I can. Eventually, I'd like to only have one or two going at any given moment. We'll see how that works out...
How will all these change my life? Well, if everything works out, my house will be cleaner, I will be happier (and have warmer feet), and I will be healthier. All good things!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Reverb 10: Wisdom
December 10 Wisdom
What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?
The wisest decision I made this year was to give up french fries. How did it play out?
Awesome.
Until I decided that I was doing really well, so I could have them once in a while.
Ha.
But I think making the decision in the first place was symbolic of my admitting to myself that I can't eat certain foods. They're my emotional foods. I go to them when I'm upset, and I'm such an intense kind of upset that I can't stop eating them. I really ought to give up those Lofthouse frosted sugar cookies, too, but I don't know if I'm that strong!
As soon as Christmas is over Scott and I are hitting the diet hard. We're going to have to work very hard, together, to make sure we don't fall into bad patterns again. We need to come to terms with the fact that our metabolisms just don't support eating crappy junk food. And frankly, with the diseases that run in Scott's family (heart disease and diabetes) we need to get healthy, or else.
So my next wise decision, for 2011?
Actually stick to it this time.
What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?
The wisest decision I made this year was to give up french fries. How did it play out?
Awesome.
Until I decided that I was doing really well, so I could have them once in a while.
Ha.
But I think making the decision in the first place was symbolic of my admitting to myself that I can't eat certain foods. They're my emotional foods. I go to them when I'm upset, and I'm such an intense kind of upset that I can't stop eating them. I really ought to give up those Lofthouse frosted sugar cookies, too, but I don't know if I'm that strong!
As soon as Christmas is over Scott and I are hitting the diet hard. We're going to have to work very hard, together, to make sure we don't fall into bad patterns again. We need to come to terms with the fact that our metabolisms just don't support eating crappy junk food. And frankly, with the diseases that run in Scott's family (heart disease and diabetes) we need to get healthy, or else.
So my next wise decision, for 2011?
Actually stick to it this time.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Reverb 10: Beautifully Different
December 8 Beautifully Different
Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.
I am beautiful. I admit it. Heh.
There are a lot of things that make me different from most people. How about a list?
1. I'm freaking nuts, you guys. Most people aren't (or at least they haven't been diagnosed...), so I am different. This is usually a bad thing, but medication is magic, so it's all good (most of the time). There is some good that comes from this, though. I have to keep a close eye on my moods, and why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. I have to work hard to make sure this illness doesn't screw with my marriage (or any number of other things in my life), so I am very careful with my words and I consider carefully what the things I say will really say to other people. I'm not perfect about this, of course; everyone loses it once in a while and I am no exception (and anyone who says he/she never loses control is LYING) (unless it's Jesus). But I think that having to think carefully about the things I say helps me be more considerate and helps me communicate more effectively.
2. I get along way better with men than women. I have a few close girlfriends, but the vast majority of my good friends over the years have been dudes. Guys just make more sense to me. They aren't catty and most of the time they say what they mean, they don't overthink things or play games, and they don't gossip as much (not all women do this, of course, it's just a generalization). This has been frustrating in the past; when I was in high school and I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, I couldn't hang out with my friends because it would be a "date", even though I had no romantic feelings for my guy friends. Mim and I fought about this one a lot. Fun times. Also, in college, before I dated Scott, I was totally in love with my best friend, and OH BOY did that complicate things.
3. How many women do YOU know who are chemists?
4. I am apparently the only person on the planet who doesn't want babies. Ok, I suppose that's a slight exaggeration...I can think of...two other people who don't want kids, and one of them is married to me. I would be totally willing to donate my eggs to help other people have babies, but they won't take them because of #1 (I'm crazy).
5. Something different I do that lights people up...? I really like sharing what I have with other people (unless it's yarn; I'm a total Yarn Scrooge), but I don't think that's that different.
I can't think of anything else. And I don't see how these make me beautiful, but Scott and my mommy think I'm pretty so I suppose that's all that matters.
Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.
I am beautiful. I admit it. Heh.
There are a lot of things that make me different from most people. How about a list?
1. I'm freaking nuts, you guys. Most people aren't (or at least they haven't been diagnosed...), so I am different. This is usually a bad thing, but medication is magic, so it's all good (most of the time). There is some good that comes from this, though. I have to keep a close eye on my moods, and why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. I have to work hard to make sure this illness doesn't screw with my marriage (or any number of other things in my life), so I am very careful with my words and I consider carefully what the things I say will really say to other people. I'm not perfect about this, of course; everyone loses it once in a while and I am no exception (and anyone who says he/she never loses control is LYING) (unless it's Jesus). But I think that having to think carefully about the things I say helps me be more considerate and helps me communicate more effectively.
2. I get along way better with men than women. I have a few close girlfriends, but the vast majority of my good friends over the years have been dudes. Guys just make more sense to me. They aren't catty and most of the time they say what they mean, they don't overthink things or play games, and they don't gossip as much (not all women do this, of course, it's just a generalization). This has been frustrating in the past; when I was in high school and I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, I couldn't hang out with my friends because it would be a "date", even though I had no romantic feelings for my guy friends. Mim and I fought about this one a lot. Fun times. Also, in college, before I dated Scott, I was totally in love with my best friend, and OH BOY did that complicate things.
3. How many women do YOU know who are chemists?
4. I am apparently the only person on the planet who doesn't want babies. Ok, I suppose that's a slight exaggeration...I can think of...two other people who don't want kids, and one of them is married to me. I would be totally willing to donate my eggs to help other people have babies, but they won't take them because of #1 (I'm crazy).
5. Something different I do that lights people up...? I really like sharing what I have with other people (unless it's yarn; I'm a total Yarn Scrooge), but I don't think that's that different.
I can't think of anything else. And I don't see how these make me beautiful, but Scott and my mommy think I'm pretty so I suppose that's all that matters.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Reverb 10: One Word
December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
2010: Tranquility
I choose this word because this year things have been very smooth for me. Well, relatively smooth. I haven't had to worry much about finances or major health issues or unexpected, negative sorts of things. I've kept up on my meds and I've felt very calm and peaceful 99% of the time. I've also come to a good spiritual balance, where I've more or less decided what I believe and I finally feel guiltless about it.
2011: Progress
I hope to make progress in 2011 only on one thing: my eating habits. Oh, and keeping my weight down. So two things. But I think that will be the most challenging thing for me this upcoming year. And I really do feel optimistic that I can keep changing things for the better. I also hope to bring Scott along with me. I love that feeling: hope. I intend to keep it.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
2010: Tranquility
I choose this word because this year things have been very smooth for me. Well, relatively smooth. I haven't had to worry much about finances or major health issues or unexpected, negative sorts of things. I've kept up on my meds and I've felt very calm and peaceful 99% of the time. I've also come to a good spiritual balance, where I've more or less decided what I believe and I finally feel guiltless about it.
2011: Progress
I hope to make progress in 2011 only on one thing: my eating habits. Oh, and keeping my weight down. So two things. But I think that will be the most challenging thing for me this upcoming year. And I really do feel optimistic that I can keep changing things for the better. I also hope to bring Scott along with me. I love that feeling: hope. I intend to keep it.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Honestly, There Were More Marshmallows Than Fruit
I didn't have an opportunity to do a Thanksgiving post...oh, who am I kidding, I had many MANY opportunities, but almost my entire weekend was spent curled up on the couch with my favorite fuzzy purple blankie working on the blanket for Mim. I finished it ages ago, and it was too small, so I had asked Mim to expand the pattern for me, but she's so freaking busy that it didn't get done until I showed her what I had so far and she suggested I make it again and connect the two...but I'm going for broke and making four, and to make it fun I'm rotating what colors go where for each one. I made a spreadsheet. I love spreadsheets. We should get a room.
Anyway.
Lazy me.
At least my lazy times are still productive. I get blankets and socks and such out of it, so it's not a total waste of time.
So Thanksgiving. Usually Scott and I stay overnight a day or two at Mim's house, but Scott has allergies so in order to do that he has to be so totally stoned on all sorts of meds that it's not as fun. This year we decided to just head down to Mim's Thanksgiving morning and spend all day there. The holiday was spent cooking, eating, playing games, watching movies (do you know how adorable "Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs" is??), and just enjoying each other's company. No pressure, no schedules.
We ended up going to the store twice that morning because we kept forgetting things. One of them was butter, and there is just no way to do Thanksgiving without butter. Fortunately, I didn't have to make that trip...people in stores on holidays are generally freaking nuts.
We had our usual: turkey, cranberry sauce, marshmallow fruit salad, pie, more pie, mashed potatoes, butter corn, more marshmallow fruit salad...yum. Nothing weird. Everything was perfect. I do have a confession, though: I didn't eat any turkey. I wanted to have room for other, more important things, such as second portions of marshmallow fruit salad.
So that was about it. It was relaxing and awesome. I got to play with the baby and hug my brother and sisters. What more could I want?
So now for the cliche: a list of what I'm thankful for this year.
- Family. Duh.
- Especially Scott. Another duh.
- The miracle of modern medicine, which enables me to experience emotions I never could before, while keeping the totally crappy emotions in check.
- Egg nog. You knew it was coming.
- My fabulous job. I make more than I need doing something I love. How many people can honestly say that?
- My new kitchen, paid for with the money I make at my awesome job.
- The ability to not eat french fries for more than six months this past year. I think I should go back to not eating them...
- And on that note, I've been able to keep most of the weight I lost off. I am, however, mad at myself for gaining any of it back at all, but I'm continually working on making better food choices. Except when I'm not.
- Being completely totally done with my Christmas shopping so I didn't even have to leave my house on Black Freaking Friday, the day when nice, normal people turn into demons.
Life is good, you know?
Thursday, November 11, 2010
So SAD, But My Cabinets Are Gorgeous
There are just a few completely unrelated things bouncing around in my head today that I'd like to share.
Let me tell you something about me: daylight savings time totally effs me up. As soon as we made the time change and it was suddenly dark outside at freaking SIX...my body went OH NO NO SUNLIGHT LET'S CRY FOREVER. Seriously. I've got a few personal things on my mind that are just weighing on me terribly, and when I went to the gym and instead of feeling skinny and empowered and beautiful like I usually do, I went home and when I took my clothes off to take a shower and I saw myself in the mirror and I just...lost it.
I feel like I've been busting my ass trying to lose weight and it just doesn't happen. I know I could definitely do better. I could go to the gym more often (although I've been doing three times a week or more consistently) (because I'm a total ROCK STAR). And I know I could be eating better. Confession: I've been eating french fries lately. I don't think this is a problem in and of itself, because I'm not eating them often at all. But, all things considered, I could be doing better to eat healthier. So even though I'm a lot better off that I was a few years ago, I still feel like a total failure. After doing the hCG diet and losing so much weight so quickly, it is KILLING me to lose one pound a week (or some weeks not lose any) (ok, most weeks not lose any). I want a quick fix. I want to wake up one day and just magically be a size 8. Or a 10. Whatever. I just want to feel better about myself than I do now, and I feel like that's always going to be connected to the number on the scale. I'm just...stuck.
I'm sure I'll feel better later, but for now that's what's going on in my nutty head.
So anyway, back to yesterday after my shower. I got dressed and called Mim with only the intent of complaining about the size of my derriere, but what really happened was everything that I had been putting to the back of my mind for the last few weeks just came flooding out and before I knew it I was bawling and just freaking out about everything at once and my poor mother, who is a saint, talked me down. We talked about some really important stuff and I just have to say that she's the best friend a girl could ever have. She lets me say whatever I need to and she never gets offended or judgemental or anything like that, just like I can talk to Kwiddens and have her be totally awesome. I have some really awesome people in my life, I really do.
So, here's the plan:
Keep exercising.
Keep taking happy pills.
Bust out my SAD light. It's this amazing nifty light that mimics sunlight, and you shine it on yourself in the morning for a little while every day and it helps with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) (it's awesome that it's called that, because oh look, it makes you sad).
Blargh. I hate being crazy. Moving on.
Scott has been working very very hard, coding like no nerd has coded before, for a few months, building a new system at work. He recently finished it, and everyone in the entire company, and all the customers, and all the members of the board have had nothing but praise for the system, and I am SO proud of him. He works so hard, and I'm so glad he's getting some recognition for that. He's smart AND handy! Also, he gets more PTO than I do and he has to use it up by the end of the year, so he has every Friday for the rest of the year off, plus extra days around Christmas and Thanksgiving. Jerk (he totally deserves it though).
Last weekend we installed our new cabinets, and they look AMAZING! Amazing as in, I walk up the stairs and go WHOA IS THAT REALLY MY KITCHEN?? I've been intending to post about it, on here and on Facebook, but the SAD has got me feeling unmotivated to do ANYTHING except work on Mim's blanket. And watch Battlestar Galactica. Again. Really, the idea of sitting down and blogging has seemed totally boring to me (yet, here I am...blogging). So I will post about it, I promise, I just don't know when.
The countertop dude is coming over tomorrow while Scott is at home (not at work...jerk) to take measurements, and then the following Friday we'll have countertops installed and we will have a FULLY FUNCTIONAL KITCHEN. Like, appliances plugged in and water turned on and everything. You have no idea how excited I am about this.
I think once the countertops are in I'm going to go through all my dishes and such and decide what to keep and what to donate and organize everything exactly where I want it, and put the silverware in the SILVERWARE DRAWER...I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but we didn't have a freaking silverware drawer before but now we do and it's the most awesomely epic thing EVER.
Then I plan on busting out the crock pot and learning to cook a bit. I'll actually have space to do it!
Now look. It's 7:30 and I'm so sleepy...stupid Daylight Savings Time. I wonder how long it's going to take me to adjust this time...and then I'll get to do it again in the spring. Oh, joy.
Let me tell you something about me: daylight savings time totally effs me up. As soon as we made the time change and it was suddenly dark outside at freaking SIX...my body went OH NO NO SUNLIGHT LET'S CRY FOREVER. Seriously. I've got a few personal things on my mind that are just weighing on me terribly, and when I went to the gym and instead of feeling skinny and empowered and beautiful like I usually do, I went home and when I took my clothes off to take a shower and I saw myself in the mirror and I just...lost it.
I feel like I've been busting my ass trying to lose weight and it just doesn't happen. I know I could definitely do better. I could go to the gym more often (although I've been doing three times a week or more consistently) (because I'm a total ROCK STAR). And I know I could be eating better. Confession: I've been eating french fries lately. I don't think this is a problem in and of itself, because I'm not eating them often at all. But, all things considered, I could be doing better to eat healthier. So even though I'm a lot better off that I was a few years ago, I still feel like a total failure. After doing the hCG diet and losing so much weight so quickly, it is KILLING me to lose one pound a week (or some weeks not lose any) (ok, most weeks not lose any). I want a quick fix. I want to wake up one day and just magically be a size 8. Or a 10. Whatever. I just want to feel better about myself than I do now, and I feel like that's always going to be connected to the number on the scale. I'm just...stuck.
I'm sure I'll feel better later, but for now that's what's going on in my nutty head.
So anyway, back to yesterday after my shower. I got dressed and called Mim with only the intent of complaining about the size of my derriere, but what really happened was everything that I had been putting to the back of my mind for the last few weeks just came flooding out and before I knew it I was bawling and just freaking out about everything at once and my poor mother, who is a saint, talked me down. We talked about some really important stuff and I just have to say that she's the best friend a girl could ever have. She lets me say whatever I need to and she never gets offended or judgemental or anything like that, just like I can talk to Kwiddens and have her be totally awesome. I have some really awesome people in my life, I really do.
So, here's the plan:
Keep exercising.
Keep taking happy pills.
Bust out my SAD light. It's this amazing nifty light that mimics sunlight, and you shine it on yourself in the morning for a little while every day and it helps with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) (it's awesome that it's called that, because oh look, it makes you sad).
Blargh. I hate being crazy. Moving on.
Scott has been working very very hard, coding like no nerd has coded before, for a few months, building a new system at work. He recently finished it, and everyone in the entire company, and all the customers, and all the members of the board have had nothing but praise for the system, and I am SO proud of him. He works so hard, and I'm so glad he's getting some recognition for that. He's smart AND handy! Also, he gets more PTO than I do and he has to use it up by the end of the year, so he has every Friday for the rest of the year off, plus extra days around Christmas and Thanksgiving. Jerk (he totally deserves it though).
Last weekend we installed our new cabinets, and they look AMAZING! Amazing as in, I walk up the stairs and go WHOA IS THAT REALLY MY KITCHEN?? I've been intending to post about it, on here and on Facebook, but the SAD has got me feeling unmotivated to do ANYTHING except work on Mim's blanket. And watch Battlestar Galactica. Again. Really, the idea of sitting down and blogging has seemed totally boring to me (yet, here I am...blogging). So I will post about it, I promise, I just don't know when.
The countertop dude is coming over tomorrow while Scott is at home (not at work...jerk) to take measurements, and then the following Friday we'll have countertops installed and we will have a FULLY FUNCTIONAL KITCHEN. Like, appliances plugged in and water turned on and everything. You have no idea how excited I am about this.
I think once the countertops are in I'm going to go through all my dishes and such and decide what to keep and what to donate and organize everything exactly where I want it, and put the silverware in the SILVERWARE DRAWER...I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but we didn't have a freaking silverware drawer before but now we do and it's the most awesomely epic thing EVER.
Then I plan on busting out the crock pot and learning to cook a bit. I'll actually have space to do it!
Now look. It's 7:30 and I'm so sleepy...stupid Daylight Savings Time. I wonder how long it's going to take me to adjust this time...and then I'll get to do it again in the spring. Oh, joy.
Friday, November 5, 2010
A Breakdown And A Sandwich
This past weekend I ran out of Risperdal, which is the medicine that makes me nice instead of totally bitchy. I had put the empty bottle on the bathroom counter so I would see it and remember to go to the pharmacy, but every day I just totally spaced it. I was feeling sick all day Monday, but I was stuck at work, and everything seemed to be annoying me, and I came home and just went to sleep. I woke up when Scott got home and he took me to the pharmacy. We got my medicine and I immediately popped one plus some Klonapin for good measure, and spent the rest of the evening just chilling out. Here is a picture of the amazingly awesome sandwich Scott made for me:
He always knows how to make me feel better.
I'm feeling much better now that I have my brain chemicals all balanced again.
I realize every now and again how incredibly lucky (blessed, even) I am to have Scott. He understands why I have mood swings and knows how to deal with them, and he knows that it isn't my fault and I don't mean anything when I snap at him or stomp around in a horrible mood. I think most men would have run away by now. Scott is just amazing.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Kitchen, Gym, Gym, Kitchen
This past weekend we started getting the kitchen ready for cabinet installation. BIG JOB! There's so much that needs to be totally finished. This past weekend we got a large section of water-damaged sub floor replaced, then got the half-wall that will be behind the stove built. We filled in the old back door with insulation and drywall and got the first layer of mud on. It was quite a bit for one weekend! Don't worry, I lots of pictures of it all. I just need to get them onto the blog... We still need to do a few more layers of mud (with sanding in between), primer, drywall and mud and sand around the new back door, prime all the walls for painting, and pull up all the old linoleum in the kitchen. THEN I can paint. THEN we can put the cabinets in. So all this needs to be done rather quickly (the cabinets are being delivered on November 3).
I finally got back to the gym yesterday. The doctor had told me to stay off of my ankle for two to three weeks, so I decided two was good. I have to take it easy for a while, though. Yesterday I got up to the same speed I was doing before I got hurt but I didn't add any incline. I felt like I only got half a workout, but my ankle was hurting so I wasn't willing to push it any farther. At least I burned off the triple chocolate cookie I ate yesterday.
I've been at the exact same weight for months but I still feel like I'm getting fatter. I think it's a depression thing, since I haven't been exercising for a while and that made the happy endorphins go away. As soon as I get back into the groove and go to the gym every day again, I'm sure I'll feel fine.
Later today:
I was able to do a little bit more on the treadmill today. A little. I should just be grateful I'm allowed back on it. I do love the exercise (and I never thought I would say that!)!
Scott just went to Home Depot to get more supplies for the kitchen, and while he was there he talked to the guys at the pro desk. When we built the deck, Home Depot had us order WAY more Trex than we needed, and that stuff is EXPENSIVE, so we were kinda mad. It was special order, so we thought we were just stuck with it. It turns out, for a restocking fee, we could sell it all back and get $660 credited onto our Home Depot card! That means we just got $660 closer to affording some counter tops! Woo!
I finally got back to the gym yesterday. The doctor had told me to stay off of my ankle for two to three weeks, so I decided two was good. I have to take it easy for a while, though. Yesterday I got up to the same speed I was doing before I got hurt but I didn't add any incline. I felt like I only got half a workout, but my ankle was hurting so I wasn't willing to push it any farther. At least I burned off the triple chocolate cookie I ate yesterday.
I've been at the exact same weight for months but I still feel like I'm getting fatter. I think it's a depression thing, since I haven't been exercising for a while and that made the happy endorphins go away. As soon as I get back into the groove and go to the gym every day again, I'm sure I'll feel fine.
Later today:
I was able to do a little bit more on the treadmill today. A little. I should just be grateful I'm allowed back on it. I do love the exercise (and I never thought I would say that!)!
Scott just went to Home Depot to get more supplies for the kitchen, and while he was there he talked to the guys at the pro desk. When we built the deck, Home Depot had us order WAY more Trex than we needed, and that stuff is EXPENSIVE, so we were kinda mad. It was special order, so we thought we were just stuck with it. It turns out, for a restocking fee, we could sell it all back and get $660 credited onto our Home Depot card! That means we just got $660 closer to affording some counter tops! Woo!
Friday, July 23, 2010
200
Well, this is my 200th post.When I started this blog I was only posting a few things a month, and it was just about things that happened every now and then, and it's come very far from that. I talk about more than just my day-to-day life; I talk about my feelings and my struggles with food, exercise, and my weight. I talk about the things I make (though I haven't made much lately because I'm SO FREAKING ADDICTED to Plants vs. Zombies). I talk about things that scare or worry me. I talk about my family. I bring up a few old memories, of things good and bad. It's just MY space, and I feel more and more that I can do whatever I want here. There are a few things I probably won't talk about, since I'm trying to keep this at a PG or PG-13 level, but for the most part I'm becoming more open.
My favorite part of all this is the friends I've made out there in the internet. I love this little community that we've all worked so hard to build. I feel as if, just maybe, I'm finally contributing to it in a meaningful way. It's also a good way to keep in touch with old friends and family members. I love that Kwiddens reads this, and I wish I could get Mim to read it, but she's so freaking busy...oh well.
I'd like to think that my writing is getting better as well. Maybe. In high school I took AP English and Literature classes, testing out of freshman English and Composition classes in college, so except for the occasional paper here and there in my generals, I haven't written properly since high school. I know this doesn't count as writing properly, like writing research papers and essays, but I think that this is a good exercise in learning to describe my world more accurately, and more colorfully, and that's worth something.
I had journals when I was little, but I stopped writing in them because Kwiddens would read them and then make fun of me for something I had written, and back then I couldn't handle that. It's really a shame because I know there are a lot of things that I wish I had written down back when they were fresh in my mind. I started keeping a journal on my laptop freshman year of college, and I had a blog then as well, but Mim and I had a huge fight over something I had said on my blog (I told the world she was crazy, and it was true, but she hadn't come to terms with it or gotten medication yet so that didn't go over too well), so I threw a hissy fit and deleted it (yay, maturity) (I was 17) (I can't believe how dumb I was when I was 17) (or even 18), and of course I wish I hadn't because that was almost an entire year of my thoughts, just gone. As for the journal I kept on my laptop, an ex-boyfriend hacked into it and read all of it behind my back...that relationship didn't end well. Soon after that my laptop was stolen so it was all gone anyway, and someone, somewhere, knows all my secrets. Awesome.
Anyway, that's a roundabout way of saying that this is something I've done before, but I think now I'm finally doing it right. I do censor myself a little, but it's not because I'm afraid someone or other will stumble across this blog and find out that I hate them anymore. Now, it's because there are people I care about that do read this and I would love for them to continue reading this unoffended.
I really feel now that this is my space. Mine. I can say whatever I want here, and I know that the people that read this either know me personally and love me no matter what (because I'm super awesome) (or something) or they don't know me personally and live far far away and if I say something that they don't want to read they can just stop reading. Everyone wins. I think I've come a long way from where I started...two years ago there's no way in hell I would have told anyone I was bipolar, but I've changed so much.
That's something else I enjoy about blogging. I can go backward in time and see what I wrote months, or even years, ago, and see how things have progressed. I can go back and reminisce about the way things were once upon a time, and that's why I sincerely regret that I stopped journaling and blogging before.
But I'm fixing that, as much as it can be fixed, anyway.
Anyway, I love blogging, and I love my bloggy friends, and that's about it. Now let's see how long it takes me to get to 300.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Missing School
Often at work, or when people ask me a chemistry question, I realize how much I've forgotten and how much I never knew in the first place. That's the problem with getting a degree; the more you learn the dumber you feel as you find out about more and more that you don't have a clue about. Awesome.
I often get the urge to review my chemistry just to keep it fresh in my mind, and I've never really acted on that urge because I didn't have many of my books from college. It's one of the only things I regret from my college years: selling back my chemistry books. Now, I realize that this was necessary in order to afford the books for the next semester, but I wish I would have found another way, because now I don't have them and I miss them terribly.
But the other day, I was itching to review some chemistry, and I remembered that I am The Queen Of Internet Shopping, and I decided to see if I could find my old books online. I made myself a list of the chemistry courses I had taken (I still remember each course and its course number, yes that's sad) and went down the list, searching online for the book I had for each course. This wasn't easy as I had forgotten which books I had in the first place, so I spent a few hours doing this. But I did it!
The next step was finding the books for sale online. This is why I am in love with Amazon.com. I found all of my books. All of them. The best part? Three of them were under $10 (including shipping) in very good condition from sellers of used books. I went home and checked to see what books I still had, and I had several still, and a few that I didn't have I had some good replacements for (due to inheriting all the books in an old professor's office one time), so I only needed to actually buy five books. So I'm keeping a close eye on Amazon to see if the other two books come down in price. Even if they don't, I will be able to get them for about $20 each, which isn't bad considering they were originally hundreds of dollars. Let me tell you, upper level chemistry books are some of the most expensive textbooks out there.
So I started with my general chemistry book, which I still had. When I was in college I was so busy that I pretty much learned what was going to be on the exams, and there were bits and pieces that I missed because I was strapped for time. This time around, I have all the time in the world, so I am reading each chapter slowly, highlighting and practicing the chapter exercises. I'm in nerd heaven. I remember now why I chose this as my major: it's very interesting, and there are numbers involved, and I love math and I love knowing how things work and interesting applications of different chemical processes.
So the plan is to go through and review, class by class, until I feel I have fully refreshed my memory, and even learned more than I did in the first place.
Now. This has brought all sorts of good memories to the front of my mind, and I am remembering how much I loved school. I've always loved school, since the very first day of kindergarten. Yes, there were times when I was stressed, but I love learning. I love the smell of books, I love buying new school supplies, I love sitting in class and listening and debating and asking questions, I love sitting and doing homework (believe it or not), and I love taking tests, because they are challenges and it's very gratifying to get good scores, which I almost always did (because of loving school so much).
All of this made me want so very badly to go back to grad school.
But one of the things I've realized about myself is that I can't be in school full time and be healthy at the same time. It's too much. I don't handle stress well, and if I don't sleep enough it throws my brain chemicals (and my whole body) into utter chaos. I thought about doing a master's with night classes, just part time, but chemistry is one of the few disciplines that can't really be done at night. There just isn't enough demand for chemistry classes to extend them to night school.
I wouldn't want to quit my job, either. I love my job. It's amazing. It's such a perfect match to me and my needs. Getting a master's would involve time-consuming research, and I would probably have to quit to be able to devote enough time to it.
The other thing to consider is that I wouldn't know where to go. BYU's chemistry department was AMAZING in resources, classes offered, and staff. I loved it there. I didn't like BYU in general, but the chemistry department was always wonderful to me. So, naturally I would want to go there for grad school. However, not only is it an hour and a half drive from my house if there's no traffic, but I couldn't get back in to save my life, since I've become a heathen.
So, my other options would be to go to the U of U or Weber State, which are closer to my house, but not close enough to be convenient, and I don't honestly know much about either chemistry department, except that the U of U was the place where that cold fusion thing took place years and years ago, which didn't make them look too good.
So, basically, it won't happen. It can't happen. And I need to be ok with that.
So I think what I will do is to keep reviewing my books, and then branch out. I learn extremely well from books, and if there's anything I don't understand I can always internet. The internet knows everything; you just have to know how to sort through the garbage to get to the real stuff.
I often get the urge to review my chemistry just to keep it fresh in my mind, and I've never really acted on that urge because I didn't have many of my books from college. It's one of the only things I regret from my college years: selling back my chemistry books. Now, I realize that this was necessary in order to afford the books for the next semester, but I wish I would have found another way, because now I don't have them and I miss them terribly.
But the other day, I was itching to review some chemistry, and I remembered that I am The Queen Of Internet Shopping, and I decided to see if I could find my old books online. I made myself a list of the chemistry courses I had taken (I still remember each course and its course number, yes that's sad) and went down the list, searching online for the book I had for each course. This wasn't easy as I had forgotten which books I had in the first place, so I spent a few hours doing this. But I did it!
The next step was finding the books for sale online. This is why I am in love with Amazon.com. I found all of my books. All of them. The best part? Three of them were under $10 (including shipping) in very good condition from sellers of used books. I went home and checked to see what books I still had, and I had several still, and a few that I didn't have I had some good replacements for (due to inheriting all the books in an old professor's office one time), so I only needed to actually buy five books. So I'm keeping a close eye on Amazon to see if the other two books come down in price. Even if they don't, I will be able to get them for about $20 each, which isn't bad considering they were originally hundreds of dollars. Let me tell you, upper level chemistry books are some of the most expensive textbooks out there.
So I started with my general chemistry book, which I still had. When I was in college I was so busy that I pretty much learned what was going to be on the exams, and there were bits and pieces that I missed because I was strapped for time. This time around, I have all the time in the world, so I am reading each chapter slowly, highlighting and practicing the chapter exercises. I'm in nerd heaven. I remember now why I chose this as my major: it's very interesting, and there are numbers involved, and I love math and I love knowing how things work and interesting applications of different chemical processes.
So the plan is to go through and review, class by class, until I feel I have fully refreshed my memory, and even learned more than I did in the first place.
Now. This has brought all sorts of good memories to the front of my mind, and I am remembering how much I loved school. I've always loved school, since the very first day of kindergarten. Yes, there were times when I was stressed, but I love learning. I love the smell of books, I love buying new school supplies, I love sitting in class and listening and debating and asking questions, I love sitting and doing homework (believe it or not), and I love taking tests, because they are challenges and it's very gratifying to get good scores, which I almost always did (because of loving school so much).
All of this made me want so very badly to go back to grad school.
But one of the things I've realized about myself is that I can't be in school full time and be healthy at the same time. It's too much. I don't handle stress well, and if I don't sleep enough it throws my brain chemicals (and my whole body) into utter chaos. I thought about doing a master's with night classes, just part time, but chemistry is one of the few disciplines that can't really be done at night. There just isn't enough demand for chemistry classes to extend them to night school.
I wouldn't want to quit my job, either. I love my job. It's amazing. It's such a perfect match to me and my needs. Getting a master's would involve time-consuming research, and I would probably have to quit to be able to devote enough time to it.
The other thing to consider is that I wouldn't know where to go. BYU's chemistry department was AMAZING in resources, classes offered, and staff. I loved it there. I didn't like BYU in general, but the chemistry department was always wonderful to me. So, naturally I would want to go there for grad school. However, not only is it an hour and a half drive from my house if there's no traffic, but I couldn't get back in to save my life, since I've become a heathen.
So, my other options would be to go to the U of U or Weber State, which are closer to my house, but not close enough to be convenient, and I don't honestly know much about either chemistry department, except that the U of U was the place where that cold fusion thing took place years and years ago, which didn't make them look too good.
So, basically, it won't happen. It can't happen. And I need to be ok with that.
So I think what I will do is to keep reviewing my books, and then branch out. I learn extremely well from books, and if there's anything I don't understand I can always internet. The internet knows everything; you just have to know how to sort through the garbage to get to the real stuff.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
10 Reasons
Here are ten reasons I love Scott:
1. He squishes spiders for me when they attack me in the shower.
2. He lets me buy yarn whenever I want.
3. He's dieting with me. Go Team!
4. He can tell what mood I'm in before even I know what mood I'm in and he knows how to make the bad moods go away (or at least get a little happier).
5. He squishes spiders for me when they attack me from behind the couch.
6. He doesn't let me carry heavy things.
7. He does the dishes when I leave for the weekend.
8. He likes spending time with me, even if we're just grocery shopping.
9. He picks the peas (that he's allergic to) out of casseroles so we can get the ones I want to eat.
10. He squishes spiders for me when they attack me in our bedroom.
This, of course, is not a comprehensive list. I just like things in multiples of ten.
The spider in the shower this morning was one of those giant, really fat, hairy, black ones.
1. He squishes spiders for me when they attack me in the shower.
2. He lets me buy yarn whenever I want.
3. He's dieting with me. Go Team!
4. He can tell what mood I'm in before even I know what mood I'm in and he knows how to make the bad moods go away (or at least get a little happier).
5. He squishes spiders for me when they attack me from behind the couch.
6. He doesn't let me carry heavy things.
7. He does the dishes when I leave for the weekend.
8. He likes spending time with me, even if we're just grocery shopping.
9. He picks the peas (that he's allergic to) out of casseroles so we can get the ones I want to eat.
10. He squishes spiders for me when they attack me in our bedroom.
This, of course, is not a comprehensive list. I just like things in multiples of ten.
The spider in the shower this morning was one of those giant, really fat, hairy, black ones.
Friday, June 18, 2010
On Being Crazy
So I briefly touched on the fact that I had a manic phase last week when I posted about my trip to Lava Hot Springs.
Which got me thinking. I have never on this blog been able to just come out and say what exactly is wrong with me. I think I've been a bit ashamed of it, a little embarrassed, a little bit afraid of what people might think. Which is stupid, now that I think about it.
At this point I think you guys all know me well enough to understand more about mental illness than I've given you credit for in the past. You all know that:
1. It isn't my fault. It's a combination of faulty genetics and lots of crap I went through. Mostly it's the genetics, though.
2. My soul isn't "defective". I have a beautiful soul, and it's whole and very special.
3. I can lead a relatively normal life as long as I take my medicine. People would never know there was anything wrong unless I told them. And I generally don't tell people who don't need to know. But telling people things is what the internet is for, so here we are.
Besides, the antiquated views on mental illness are...well, antiquated. I'm not posessed by demons, I promise.
So here it is:
I have Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar Disorder usually fits into one of two categories, named Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2. I have a rare form that doesn't really fit into either category. To put it into perspective, it's about as serious as Schizophrenia. In addition to Bipolar Disorder, I have Clinical Depression, an anxiety disorder, and a few OCDish tendencies (but I like the last one because it makes me do everything with mathematical patterns and I am ridiculously good at coming up with organizational systems).
I take pills 3 times a day. 3 medications (or 4 if I have a panic attack), 5 pills, some taken morning, noon, and night. I'm also on a continuous dose of birth control that prevents periods completely so I don't have to worry about the whole PMS thing (thank heaven...).
I love my manic phases because I feel FABULOUS. I feel like I have so much energy. My moods soar. I get so much done. I go out and do things and actually enjoy life for a few days (not that I don't enjoy life in general, it's just a really intense enjoyment I'm talking about here).
I hate my manic phases because when it ends, it ENDS. Abruptly. And I crash below my baseline. My medications usually keep me at a good baseline, which makes me feel pretty good every day. But after a manic phase, I just...can't. It's hard to explain. This is why it's a good thing that I only have 1 or 2 of these a year.
So Friday night I felt fabulous and I got home around 2:00 a.m. and went to sleep, and by the next morning I had crashed. I woke up and didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to lie on the couch all day and eat junk and be lazy, and so that's what I did. And I ate half of a chocolate silk pie and too much ice cream along with it. Sunday was similar, but I made myself get up and do some yard work. I'm slowly climbing back up out of this hole, but I still feel lethargic and blah. That's really the only way to describe it. Blah. And poor Scott has to put up with me being down on everything and moody and sleepy.
At least I'm not being a jerk this time.
The thing about being below my baseline is that it feels like I could fall further at any moment. It's like I'm on the edge of a cliff. I'm on solid ground, yes, but my toes are hanging off the edge and all it would take would be just a little push from anything, really, and down I would go. Fortunately, my antidepressant makes the cliff a lot shorter. (Thank you Mim for the awesome analogy.)
Fortunately, I have a weekend that starts at 3:00 this afternoon, and I can just chill out and by next week I will have gotten plenty of sleep and my moods will be back to normal.
Which got me thinking. I have never on this blog been able to just come out and say what exactly is wrong with me. I think I've been a bit ashamed of it, a little embarrassed, a little bit afraid of what people might think. Which is stupid, now that I think about it.
At this point I think you guys all know me well enough to understand more about mental illness than I've given you credit for in the past. You all know that:
1. It isn't my fault. It's a combination of faulty genetics and lots of crap I went through. Mostly it's the genetics, though.
2. My soul isn't "defective". I have a beautiful soul, and it's whole and very special.
3. I can lead a relatively normal life as long as I take my medicine. People would never know there was anything wrong unless I told them. And I generally don't tell people who don't need to know. But telling people things is what the internet is for, so here we are.
Besides, the antiquated views on mental illness are...well, antiquated. I'm not posessed by demons, I promise.
So here it is:
I have Bipolar Disorder. Bipolar Disorder usually fits into one of two categories, named Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2. I have a rare form that doesn't really fit into either category. To put it into perspective, it's about as serious as Schizophrenia. In addition to Bipolar Disorder, I have Clinical Depression, an anxiety disorder, and a few OCDish tendencies (but I like the last one because it makes me do everything with mathematical patterns and I am ridiculously good at coming up with organizational systems).
I take pills 3 times a day. 3 medications (or 4 if I have a panic attack), 5 pills, some taken morning, noon, and night. I'm also on a continuous dose of birth control that prevents periods completely so I don't have to worry about the whole PMS thing (thank heaven...).
I love my manic phases because I feel FABULOUS. I feel like I have so much energy. My moods soar. I get so much done. I go out and do things and actually enjoy life for a few days (not that I don't enjoy life in general, it's just a really intense enjoyment I'm talking about here).
I hate my manic phases because when it ends, it ENDS. Abruptly. And I crash below my baseline. My medications usually keep me at a good baseline, which makes me feel pretty good every day. But after a manic phase, I just...can't. It's hard to explain. This is why it's a good thing that I only have 1 or 2 of these a year.
So Friday night I felt fabulous and I got home around 2:00 a.m. and went to sleep, and by the next morning I had crashed. I woke up and didn't want to do anything. I just wanted to lie on the couch all day and eat junk and be lazy, and so that's what I did. And I ate half of a chocolate silk pie and too much ice cream along with it. Sunday was similar, but I made myself get up and do some yard work. I'm slowly climbing back up out of this hole, but I still feel lethargic and blah. That's really the only way to describe it. Blah. And poor Scott has to put up with me being down on everything and moody and sleepy.
At least I'm not being a jerk this time.
The thing about being below my baseline is that it feels like I could fall further at any moment. It's like I'm on the edge of a cliff. I'm on solid ground, yes, but my toes are hanging off the edge and all it would take would be just a little push from anything, really, and down I would go. Fortunately, my antidepressant makes the cliff a lot shorter. (Thank you Mim for the awesome analogy.)
Fortunately, I have a weekend that starts at 3:00 this afternoon, and I can just chill out and by next week I will have gotten plenty of sleep and my moods will be back to normal.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Lava Hot Springs
So the past few days have been one of my rare manic phases (which I'm coming down from pretty sharply at the moment) (I'm thinking of taking Klonopin and going to bed for the next week) and so yesterday after work I called Mim and told her I wanted to do something crazy. Usually I would do a road trip, but seeing as Kwiddens is going to pop any day now we didn't want to be too far away for when that happens. But Lava Hot Springs is only a two hour drive from my house, so I asked her to go nuts with me and have a spontaneous trip and she said yes!
After that we headed home, and we pulled into my driveway at 2:00 am (and poor Mim had to drive another 2 hours to get home) and I went straight to sleep and didn't wake up until noon today.
She drove up from her house and got here around 7:15. We immediately left and since neither of us had eaten, we drove thru at Del Taco and got a Fiesta Pack (6 burritos and 6 tacos!) and we were on our way. Here's me, in my car, in the drive thru:
I think I need to wear my hair down more often; I look like a boy.
We drove, and while we drove we talked and talked and talked and when we talk we talk about everything. Last night topics included the Crusades, word origins, math, philosophy, God, the stupid whore who stole away my father and broke up my family, hauntings, boys, and being crazy together.
When we got there around 9:00 (we made really good time, and I wasn't even speeding!) we found a parking spot RIGHT THERE, which was FATE, and we changed and went to the hot end of the springs and just sat and soaked and talked and talked and talked some more, and here are our toes in the water:
Look how skinny my ankles got! I have to say, I wore one of my really cute two piece swimsuits and I looked good for the first time since college.
The springs were open until 11:00, so at 10:40 we went to the locker rooms to beat the rush and changed back and headed back. We got gas and caffeine, and then we had promised ourselves pie so we found a diner and we were getting tired, which meant we were getting giggly, and it was just so fun!
We ordered a quesadilla (which wasn't that good, but had excellent guacamole), and I had chocolate cream pie and Mim had banana cream pie and it was heavenly:
After that we headed home, and we pulled into my driveway at 2:00 am (and poor Mim had to drive another 2 hours to get home) and I went straight to sleep and didn't wake up until noon today.Thursday, May 27, 2010
Emotions...So Complicated
When I was growing up and my life was a living hell and I hadn't found the proper medication (or the proper psychotherapist, for that matter) I had to come up with some way to cope with all the crap and the only way I could was to shut out as much emotion as possible and just try to feel numb. For the most part, it worked. I studied a lot, which ended up being a very good thing, and kept me hidden away in my room most of the time I was at home, and I had friends, but I think I didn't know how much they meant to me until we were thousands of miles apart.
Now that I'm properly medicated I have the ability to feel emotions like "normal" people do. Antidepressants (and mood stabilizers, and antipsychotics, oh my) aren't "happy pills"; they simply give me the ability to feel happy when it is appropriate. While this is a beautiful, beautiful thing, these magical little pills also give me the ability to feel immensely sad at times, but about things that I should feel sad about.
So lately I've been a little bored, mostly just because I've been working fewer hours and am less motivated to work on the blanket (which is coming along beautifully, by the way, I'm just feeling quite blah about everything) and so I have more time to think and hang out on Facebook.
And lately what I've been noticing is that I feel immensely sad when I think about the friends I had back in South Dakota and how much I miss them, and even more sad when I think about how I'm stuck here in Utah and will probably never see most of them again.
I had one friend, Jacee, who was in the theater department with me and we had so much fun all the time having sleepovers, renting movies, going on bike rides, etc. My boyfriend and I went to the prom with her and her boyfriend. We were together the night of the senior class party and all the times we went to that nasty old pancake house on 10th Street.
Another friend I had was Cali, who was and always will be the most beautiful person I have ever known. She introduced me to so much amazing music, and she always let me be myself when I was with her. We had so many inside jokes, and we knew all about each other's pasts and heartaches. We even had a notebook (that I found the other day...forgot I still had it) in which we wrote our "Complaint of the Day" every day in lit class.
There was Shelby, who has always been an inspiration to me. She lives every day to its fullest..."No Day But Today" was plastered on the top of her mortarboard the day we graduated high school. She has always been a good person to talk to, to bounce ideas off of, to cry or complain to, because she loves listening and truly cares.
I had a lot of friends like this in college as well, and it's always the same story...we grow up and move on and try to keep in touch but life gets busy and it's never the same again.
I am so incredibly sad about this.
And the heartbreaking part is, I don't have very many people like this in my life any more. And I don't know where to find them, now that I'm out of school, and that makes me feel kinda...pathetic. Like, I've turned into this lonely person and now that I can actually feel emotions and have lasting relationships all the relationships I had before are all but gone.
Isn't life awesome?
Friday, May 21, 2010
In No Particular Order
Just some thoughts:
The new girl that works in the micro lab is way nicer than the old one.
One time when I was really little (6 I think) I bit Kwiddens on the nose and then lied to Mim and said "Kristen bit her nose!" and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how she knew it was me...
I like weighing only 150 lbs.
I love making this blanket so much that I want to design more squares to go on it so it will be bigger and take me longer to make. Scott thinks it's hideous, but Mim will love it!
When I went to the prom senior year of high school I wore a dress from the 1920's. I looked amazing. The restaurant we went to was called "The Victorian Tearoom" and it was exactly what it sounds like.
I got french vanilla cappuccino at Maverik this morning but when I got to work and started drinking it, it turned out they had put the wrong mix in the machine and it was pumpkin spice flavored. It wasn't bad, it was just not what I wanted and expected. I drank it anyway, because I took Nyquil last night and I was feeling terribly groggy this morning and needed to perk up.
I recently undertook the giant task of cleaning my office at work. When I inherited it almost two years ago it was stuffed to the brim with junk and dust and old samples...now all the books and records are organized, shelves are dusted off, the old broken chair is gone, the samples are in nice little boxes, and I got rid of the really old random crap that was in my desk drawers and taking up space in my cupboards.
All I want right now is a nap.
I got overwhelmed one day last week and snapped at my boss and I apologized profusely and I think we're ok now but I can't stop thinking about it and feeling horrible that I said what I said in the tone I said it in, but more that I lost control at work. I'm usually good about containing my crazy and keeping it away from work so people there will like me and think I'm sane, but last week I just...I feel terrible about it. I also feel disappointed in myself for even getting overwhelmed. Normally I am invincible superchemist and no matter how many samples they throw at me I still get them done quickly with a smile on my face. I think part of the problem was that someone came in and asked me to do a large project soonish, and I said OK, and then not even five minutes later someone else came in and said that the project was more of an ASAP thing than a soonish thing and I just felt like I hadn't even had time to look at the project before someone else was asking about it.
TGIF.
I have that weird restless feeling again. It might have to do with the Nyquil.
The new girl that works in the micro lab is way nicer than the old one.
One time when I was really little (6 I think) I bit Kwiddens on the nose and then lied to Mim and said "Kristen bit her nose!" and I couldn't for the life of me figure out how she knew it was me...
I like weighing only 150 lbs.
I love making this blanket so much that I want to design more squares to go on it so it will be bigger and take me longer to make. Scott thinks it's hideous, but Mim will love it!
When I went to the prom senior year of high school I wore a dress from the 1920's. I looked amazing. The restaurant we went to was called "The Victorian Tearoom" and it was exactly what it sounds like.
I got french vanilla cappuccino at Maverik this morning but when I got to work and started drinking it, it turned out they had put the wrong mix in the machine and it was pumpkin spice flavored. It wasn't bad, it was just not what I wanted and expected. I drank it anyway, because I took Nyquil last night and I was feeling terribly groggy this morning and needed to perk up.
I recently undertook the giant task of cleaning my office at work. When I inherited it almost two years ago it was stuffed to the brim with junk and dust and old samples...now all the books and records are organized, shelves are dusted off, the old broken chair is gone, the samples are in nice little boxes, and I got rid of the really old random crap that was in my desk drawers and taking up space in my cupboards.
All I want right now is a nap.
I got overwhelmed one day last week and snapped at my boss and I apologized profusely and I think we're ok now but I can't stop thinking about it and feeling horrible that I said what I said in the tone I said it in, but more that I lost control at work. I'm usually good about containing my crazy and keeping it away from work so people there will like me and think I'm sane, but last week I just...I feel terrible about it. I also feel disappointed in myself for even getting overwhelmed. Normally I am invincible superchemist and no matter how many samples they throw at me I still get them done quickly with a smile on my face. I think part of the problem was that someone came in and asked me to do a large project soonish, and I said OK, and then not even five minutes later someone else came in and said that the project was more of an ASAP thing than a soonish thing and I just felt like I hadn't even had time to look at the project before someone else was asking about it.
TGIF.
I have that weird restless feeling again. It might have to do with the Nyquil.
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