The Universe Wins Again

Singing has always been something I enjoyed immensely. I remember when I was very very small I had all the musical movies I watched memorized (The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, etc.) and I would sit around and play with toys and sing to myself. There even came a time when I wouldn't stop singing music from The Nightmare Before Christmas and it was driving Mim so crazy that she told me I wasn't allowed to sing that music anymore.

Mim has played the piano since she was very young, and when I was old enough she started teaching me to play. I hated it. HATED. I just always felt like there were better uses for my time, and why should I learn this because it will never help me in the real world or anything-basically any little kid's thoughts when they're made to practice something over and over again.

Eventually I quit (Mim wasn't happy about that) and now that I'm grown I regret quitting terribly. I can still read music, albeit very slowly, and I still have a few sonatinas memorized, but other than that I really can't play anymore. But music didn't disappear from my life.

In 7th grade I took my first choir class and from the very beginning I was hooked. I continued to take choir until my senior year in high school, when I didn't participate. I joined the Jazz choir junior year (as an alto, strangely enough)(I usually sing high soprano)(apparently if I sing low I sound sultry and jazzish) and senior year I did a song for the homecoming week talent show ("Winter" by Tori Amos).

In my high school there were basically three levels of choir classes: open choir, Warrior Chorus, and Concert Choir. The last two required an audition, but the first was open to anyone who wished to enroll. So freshman and sophomore years I was in open choir, and junior year I auditioned to be in Warrior Chorus and made it in, and when senior year rolled around I auditioned for Concert Choir. I didn't make it in. I should have. In junior year we had a Christmas concert and I had gotten a solo, beating out all the Concert Choir sopranos who auditioned. When it came time for the concert, I (somehow) got hand, foot, and mouth disease, and was forced to stay home and give up my solo to someone else. Universe: 1, Anna: 0. Either way, it was clear to everyone that I should have made it into Concert Choir. I think the director must have had something against me (and I don't want you to think I'm just saying that to make myself look better or anything, it's just truly what happened).

When they posted the lists of who got in to which choir, and my name wasn't on there, many many people were outraged. When senior year started I went to the director (who was new; the old one got fired for BIG TIME extortion) and asked to re-audition and he refused, so I decided that the drama wasn't worth it, and I didn't want to settle for being in Warrior Chorus again, so I quit. That was it. I'd had it. So senior year I didn't sing in a choir at all. Universe: 2, Anna: 0.

Then I went to college, and immediately signed up to audition for the many choirs there. And you know what? Auditions were right before the semester started and Utah has a very high elevation compared to South Dakota, and guess who got altitude sickness and couldn't sing? Yep. Universe: 3, Anna: 0.

So, I did the next best thing: I signed up for a small group vocal music class, and I loved it. It was nice because I got a lot of personal instruction from the grad student who was teaching the class (because the class was so small) and I improved my classical technique, determined to try again next year. I then spent the following summer taking private voice lessons back in Sioux Falls. I was ready to audition, and when I got to campus in the fall I went to sign up for auditions. BUT, every single choir was scheduled to meet for practice at the exact times I was in a chemistry (and therefore necessary) class, so even if I did get into a choir I wouldn't be able to come to practice unless I gave up chemistry. Universe: 4, Anna: 0.

I love singing. I always have. And I tried for eight years to make it work. But it just isn't meant to be. I got the message, Universe. You win. You freaking win.

I hope you're happy.

Twister!

Once upon a time Mim and I got a call from Kwiddens, who had been involved in a drug bust at church camp, and the other girls were being evil and mean to her, so she wanted to come home. Mim and I checked the weather report, and there were lots of tornadoes that night (it ended up being 63 in the county over the duration of the storm), but it looked like the storm was moving in the opposite direction we would need to drive, so we started driving to go get her. Unfortunately, I've never gotten the hang of north, south, east, west...I can find them easily here in Utah Valley because the mountains are always east, and always visible, so no problem. South Dakota, however, is quite flat, and mostly made of cornfields, so Mim and I got our directions wrong and when we started driving, we were driving into the storm, not away from it. Oops.

The storm was getting increasingly violent as we drove, and at one point, we were like, "Wow, I think that is a tornado!" and it was heading straight for us. We had to stop driving, because the car was starting to get lifted off the road a bit. We pulled over and waited and watched. Mim and I LOVE storms. When we lived in Oklahoma we got them all the time and the siren would be wailing and we would still be out on our front porch going "Oooooooooooh!" until the very very last minute, then make a mad dash for the bathroom, which was the only room in the house with no windows.

Needless to say, we were quite aware of the danger we were in, but we were also really excited about getting to see a storm like this up close! As we were pulled over we saw a huge funnel approaching us from the left. There was a semi parked on the other side of the interstate, and when it hit the semi it TIPPED IT OVER. Kaboom. So we looked at each other, and we were like, "We are so going to die! But what an awesome way to go!" because we're idiots. The funnel kept coming toward us, and finally encased us in our car. You would not believe the noise. It was deafening, and there was absolutely no visibility inside the funnel; it was pitch black. We, of course, were still having a blast...the car was rocking back and forth and almost tipped, but we had pulled down a little deeper into the ditch at the side of the road, so we were a bit more sheltered than the semi had been.

Then, the eye. The eye was the complete opposite of the rest of the funnel. You wouldn't believe how noisy it was out there, but you also wouldn't believe the dead silence in the eye of the storm. It was still pretty dark, but there was the most amazing lightning. Inside the funnel, the lightning looked neon green, and was in these pulsing balls...it's so hard to describe, but it was the coolest thing I have ever seen ever.

The rest of the funnel came and went, and we just sat there, totally amazed by what had just happened to us. We couldn't believe we were even alive. We decided we should probably go home and Kwiddens would have to stay at camp another day.

Conclusion: we have guardian angels. Or something. Because DUDE, it tipped over a semi, and not us. We win!

The Evolution Of Newb

When Kwiddens started high school, and I was in my senior year, we sorta...started our own language. It isn't completely different from English, but it's completely confusing if you're not used to it.

I don't remember exactly how it started, but I know it involved my senior year boyfriend, Dan. Dan and Kwiddens and I would hang out in the orchestra room before school every morning, and we would get to talking, and we were being really goofy, and in high school almost nobody is politically correct, and so we were...talking like...retarded people...I feel awful confessing that, because I realize now how mean that is! But the whole point is, we would talk in this language and we called it "Weetawd". See? I'm a horrible person, and I'm going to hell.

So at some point we did realize that it was horribly rude and awful, etc. So, we decided to call it something else, and the name changed to "Doobie". Because we had called annoying idiot people doobies and it was just hilarious at the time.

Now, a quick aside:

One summer, about a year later, Kwiddens went to Girl's Camp (church camp) and while she was there, she caught a group of girls GETTING HIGH AT CHURCH CAMP. And it wasn't just pot, either; there was some harder stuff there. Anyway, Kwiddens went and told a camp counselor, who called the police, and they came and the girls got in trouble. You would think the rest of the girls, the ones who were following the rules and actually wanted camp to be a spiritual experience, would be proud of Kwiddens for standing up for her beliefs and doing the right thing, but they were so horribly mean to her that she called for us to come pick her up. Unfortunately, we couldn't, since that was the night there were 63 tornadoes in our county...driving wasn't such a good idea. We tried, and got stuck in a funnel, which was SO COOL, and we thought we were going to die, and when we were out we decided that wasn't a good night for driving, so Kwiddens was stuck there. I'll write more about being inside a tornado some other time.

The whole experience shook her so much that calling it "Doobie" was now out of the question, since of course the word is drug-related. We decided to call it "Newb" instead, because Dan was always saying "Look at those newbs!"...I think that came from some kind of internet slang.

Anyway. So that's how Newb started. Here are some of the grammatical rules:

Firstly, and most importantly, Kristen turnes into Kwiddens, but if you say Kwitten you are using the worst swear word in the language.

When speaking Newb, one adds n's to words that don't actually have n's in them. Examples are "nansty" (nasty) (although this has its own word, which is just nast, used as a noun) and "int" (it), etc. One has to be careful, though, because if you add an n to the word "cut" bad things happen, so that's the exception.

Th's are turned into f's. Examples are "fink" (think), "bafroom" (bathroom) (which is now BF for short) and "birfday" (birthday).

Singular words are pluralized. "I hans to use the bafrooms."

Pronouns and verb tenses are mixed up. Think Gollum + Dobby. We also add in "precious", as a tribute to LotR.

If you're just starting to use Newb, the best thing to do is study Homestar Runner (the guy with the star on his shirt). That's how everything ends up being pronounced. Intonation is the most important part of Newb.

There are a few specific phrases that we use often. One is calling someone "Little Chicken". This is because once, when Kwiddens was working at DQ, she was putting chicken strips into the fryer and she was talking to them, like "It's ok, little chickens, it'll be over soon" and things like that, just to be silly. It totally stuck.

We're sisters, and friends, so we call each other "sista fwend". We also call loved ones "Stupid", "Dummy", "Idiot", etc., and that is like saying "I love you!" in Newb.

There is a little confusion when you pronounce the words cows, cars, and calls. They all sound exactly the same, so you have to use context to figure out what's going on.

South Dakota is "Souf Kadoda".

Anywaaaaaym (anyway)...

The most amazing thing is, once Kwiddens and I started using Newb on a regular basis, Mim joined in, and it became something special we three did. It bugged Dad to no end, and that was an added bonus. Mim became Mim when we were watching The Sword In The Stone and decided it would be fun to call her Mim instead of Mom. When Scott and I started seriously dating and he noticed me and Kwiddens talking like this, he joined in, and is now fluent.

Whatchoo fink?

Pretty amusing?

You KNOWIT.

Emotions...So Complicated

When I was growing up and my life was a living hell and I hadn't found the proper medication (or the proper psychotherapist, for that matter) I had to come up with some way to cope with all the crap and the only way I could was to shut out as much emotion as possible and just try to feel numb. For the most part, it worked. I studied a lot, which ended up being a very good thing, and kept me hidden away in my room most of the time I was at home, and I had friends, but I think I didn't know how much they meant to me until we were thousands of miles apart.

Now that I'm properly medicated I have the ability to feel emotions like "normal" people do. Antidepressants (and mood stabilizers, and antipsychotics, oh my) aren't "happy pills"; they simply give me the ability to feel happy when it is appropriate. While this is a beautiful, beautiful thing, these magical little pills also give me the ability to feel immensely sad at times, but about things that I should feel sad about.

So lately I've been a little bored, mostly just because I've been working fewer hours and am less motivated to work on the blanket (which is coming along beautifully, by the way, I'm just feeling quite blah about everything) and so I have more time to think and hang out on Facebook.

And lately what I've been noticing is that I feel immensely sad when I think about the friends I had back in South Dakota and how much I miss them, and even more sad when I think about how I'm stuck here in Utah and will probably never see most of them again.

I had one friend, Jacee, who was in the theater department with me and we had so much fun all the time having sleepovers, renting movies, going on bike rides, etc. My boyfriend and I went to the prom with her and her boyfriend. We were together the night of the senior class party and all the times we went to that nasty old pancake house on 10th Street.

Another friend I had was Cali, who was and always will be the most beautiful person I have ever known. She introduced me to so much amazing music, and she always let me be myself when I was with her. We had so many inside jokes, and we knew all about each other's pasts and heartaches. We even had a notebook (that I found the other day...forgot I still had it) in which we wrote our "Complaint of the Day" every day in lit class.

There was Shelby, who has always been an inspiration to me. She lives every day to its fullest..."No Day But Today" was plastered on the top of her mortarboard the day we graduated high school. She has always been a good person to talk to, to bounce ideas off of, to cry or complain to, because she loves listening and truly cares.

I had a lot of friends like this in college as well, and it's always the same story...we grow up and move on and try to keep in touch but life gets busy and it's never the same again.

I am so incredibly sad about this.

And the heartbreaking part is, I don't have very many people like this in my life any more. And I don't know where to find them, now that I'm out of school, and that makes me feel kinda...pathetic. Like, I've turned into this lonely person and now that I can actually feel emotions and have lasting relationships all the relationships I had before are all but gone.

Isn't life awesome?

Comments?

So last night I had a dream that I was at Dairy Queen with Kwiddens, and it was the Dairy Queen where we both used to work in Sioux Falls, and I was looking over the menu and I couldn't think of what to get because I don't eat burgers or fries. I saw cheese balls (and if you haven't had these you're missing out)(I don't know if they have them anymore)(sad) and decided that that was what I wanted, and Kwiddens informed me that they didn't sell those anymore. So when I was finished being mad that they were on the menu when they weren't for sale, I picked tater tots. I don't know if DQ really has tater tots...anyway.

Then the question came up in my dream: tater tots are essentially fried potatoes, and french fries are fried potatoes, so since I have banned french fries from my diet, am I still allowed to eat tater tots?

Keep in mind that they have never been a "binge food" for me. Somehow, they just don't taste as good. Good, but not AMAZING.

I want you all to vote! In the comments!

Oriental Chicken Wrap Mmmmmmmm

Of course, the night that it's lovely and cool outside so we decide to open all the windows is the night the air force base decides to scramble the jets. And, since we live about two blocks from the base, it's FREAKING LOUD.

Make it stop!

I was lucky to be able to have dinner with Kwiddens tonight. We went to Applebee's, which I love, but I never get to go there because Scott doesn't like it. Oh well. It's so nice to have made up with her. She and I are both kind of on the same page now about so many things and so where before I only had Scott and Mim to be totally open and honest with, now I have her back in my life and she doesn't mind if I swear like a sailor while we talk about anything and everything. Today it was embarrassing bathroom stories. Crude, maybe, but hilarious.

We were also thinking back to the good times, back when we were in high school and things hadn't exploded yet. We were remembering how ridiculous some of Dad's rules were, and remembering the ridiculous amount of shoes Kwiddens had (I was so jealous), and the house we had that finally felt like a home (we moved a lot, so it took living in Sioux Falls for years and years and years before we finally felt settled). We were looking back at high school and remembering our friends and activities and I hadn't realized how long ago that was. And I'm not even that old yet.

I often have a long list in my head of things I would like to blog about and by the time I sit down with my lappie I have forgotten most of them. I should buy more post-it notes and write them all down. But then I would probably lose the notes and then I would be in the same place.

I love when the yarn catalog comes in the mail.

Pretty Storm

I love storms. I am the type of person who, when I used to live in Oklahoma and South Dakota (tornadoes a'plenty), would stand outside until the last possible second so I could see the funnel cloud up close and personal. In fact, one time my Mim and I were driving in a huge storm and we got caught in the middle of a funnel in the van. It was the COOLEST experience EVER.

This is no tornado...the storms in Utah are pathetic compared, but at least it's something.

There's a bit of lightning, and soon the rain will start falling, and I can sleep to that. I will HAVE to sleep to that either way because we need cool air in this house.

What about the swamp cooler? Oh yeah, the guy fixed it, and then it broke again. Apparently the motor was trashed so he replaced that and called it good. Then, I got home and it was on, and felt soooooo good. We turned it off for a while because it got cool enough and we don't like wasting money on power if we can help it. Then, I was getting ready for bed so I turned it on so it would be nice and cool (we sleep on the top floor) and POP and then the burning smell again.
Scott climbed back up there and it looks like the power thingy is short circuited and it blew the breaker and it's bad because the house could catch on fire and then I would lose all my yarn and Stargate and Gilmore Girls DVDs. And some other things that might be important.

Crochet Bag

So, the crochet hooks I have are mostly from when I started, a.k.a. about 15 years. They're so tired...all chipped and sad. So, I went online and found a great deal on a package with LOTS of sizes...like 15 hooks or something, all for ten bucks plus shipping. Here's the fun part: They came in a pretty bag!!! Here it is:It's so hokey and tacky, but for some reason I love it.

Also, Scott has been so awesome for Valentine's and my upcoming birthday. I got two necklaces and lots of music and movies I've been wanting :) Here are my necklaces:The blurry one is a snowflake with real diamonds. It's my new precious.

Other than that, life is pretty normal. Family drama continues, and with these pregnancy hormones I'm beside myself with emotions. I feel like I'm completely out of control. Only 5 injections or so to go, and then no more hormones, and then I will resolve once and for all to never get pregnant. EVER.

On the plus side, I've lost 26 pounds! I'm hot.

So, the library in Clearfield super sucks. I got so spoiled in Sioux Falls with a huge library just a mile away. This one is like ten miles or something away from my house, and it's so tiny. I just finished reading and/or rereading all the books in my house, and now I need more so I can have something to do at work while my stuff is reacting or being run on the instrument. So, I went online and found a list of classic literature that everyone should read, and printed it off and headed for the library after work yesterday. And what do you know: they don't have most of those books. I heard that the Bountiful library is much much better, so maybe I'll try there next time.

Craving muffins. 7 weeks until I can eat muffins.

This diet is taking longer than I thought it would, but it's worth it I suppose. It's really only hard when I see food commercials on TV or someone gets to eat something tasty in front of me. Boo.

Two Days in a Row!

So I don't know why but I feel like ranting a bit.

First, work:
I swear on the precious that I told my boss's boss last week that it was the furnace and the spectrometer that needed a service plan, and that the furnace was the last thing to have broken. So, of course, what do I find out today? He didn't sign us up for the furnace, just the spectrometer. Which never breaks. Ever. So, he's going to try and re-negotiate and fix it, which means who knows how many more days without my instrument.

Ok, me:
I am so freaking tired all the time lately. I'm tired, and munchy, and dizzy sometimes...I've gained two pounds, which doesn't seem like much but to someone who is constantly at the same weight all the time for ever and always it's a change. I'm also getting these headaches...blech. I want to get back to dieting and exercising, and so every day I think to myself, "Gee, I think I'll spend a half an hour on the treadmill today!" and then I get home and feel like crap feels on a bad day. SO TIRED.

On the plus side, I am exploring the fun of trying to crochet socks without a pattern. My mom likes red socks, so I am making her red socks. I have no idea what I'm doing. I've undone them three times now...yeah.

Ok, family:
I hate that I live two hours away from Mim and Em and Jorg, and I should really be grateful that's all it is, because the only other way it would be is if they never left Sioux Falls, and then I would never see them ever because gas got expensive. I am glad I get to see them about once a month, but sometimes I get lonely and want to spend time with them, and they're all the way down there and I can't just go visit because I have to go to work and stuff. I like work, but I like my family too.

I am so tired of seeing kids out with their parents, where the kid and the dad are talking and smiling and joking around and just having a blast with each other. I'm so freaking jealous...I hate to admit it, because my whole life I haven't had a good, strong father figure in my life, and I like to think that I'm strong and I don't want or need it, but it isn't always true. Jealous.
I'm tired of dad thinking we're all retarded enough to fall for his crappy lies.

I love Scott. More than yarn, and pickles, and puppies, and music. That's a lot of love.

A Car For Em

SO, the stack of paperwork that was supposed to be a two-day project is much much bigger than we expected...I foresee working ten hours or so both Saturday and Sunday to get it done.

In other news, I have a job interview scheduled for this coming Wednesday. I hope I get it, or something, soon. This particular job would be as a heavy metals chemist, which sounds like fun to me! The pay would be low for the first six months, but then get much higher after I've proven my worth...shown them how sparkly I am.

We went to pick up the new car this morning and when we got there we found out that the mechanic had not actually done the alignment like he told us he did, so we had to wait the rest of the day. I think Scott is on the way home from picking up the car as we speak...type...thing.
So today was pretty uneventful. I didn't have anything in particular to be angry about. I miss my mom, which sounds silly coming from someone my age, but we hang out all the time and I've been too busy. I need to get down there soon, though, because she's thinking about buying the Jetta for Emilee to use. I'm all for this, except for the car is starting to make noises and need new things, etc., and I don't want Mim to have to deal with that. But, if she's ok with it, it would be a great first car for Em.

I get terribly timesick. It's like homesick, except you're not really sick for a place, per se, but for a particular time in your life. I get so sad sometimes to think that even if I went back to SD right now, it wouldn't, and never could be, the same. Shelby has moved away, and a lot of my other friends are all over the state or else busy with plays. A lot of my friends have also stayed close the whole time they've been in college, so I would feel like the odd one out even if I got everyone together again. I miss theater, I miss the Pan and Perkins, I miss movie nights and sleepovers and all the other fun stuff.

Later: I just got back from the hospital. It looked like Scott's dad had a heart attack, but he didn't. It was just pain. So, they're keeping him overnight just to keep an eye on him. Good idea.