It's All Falling Apart...Including Me

Something that has always been true about me is that when I get stressed, I get sick. All kinds of sick.

Recently my life has been stress, plus some stress, with stress on top. And I'm not handling it well.

There's a lot going on. I feel like we're drowning, financially. And I don't see an end to it. The medical bills are quite enough, thank you very much, but now the insurance company has decided not to cover Scott's pain clinic visits anymore. In order to pay for these, we had to reduce monthly contributions to Scott's 401K. It's not like Scott can go without. If he doesn't take painkillers every day, he's bedridden because the pain is so intense. Hell, even with the pain medication he's been bedridden lately and it's just killing both of us.

We're sitting on the Focus for the moment. I feel like selling it would pull us out of this financial hole, but we can't because Scott's company may or may not move, and we might end up needing a commuter car. We just don't know. In the meantime, it's broken anyway, and we can't afford to fix it.

So then there's work. It's not bad. It's just stressful, and I feel like I haven't been handling the stress lately. It's all I can do to drag myself out of bed in the morning and go in, because I know that I'll go in, have an incredibly stressful morning, and then, if things slow down, I'll be bored senseless all afternoon. If they don't slow down, I won't have time to take a lunch break or even go to the bathroom.

But the biggest thing of all is Scott's pain. There's nothing I can do about it at all. He has an epidural scheduled for this coming Thursday, but to be completely honest, I'm not hopeful.

I've kinda lost hope completely now. I've felt like this for a few weeks now. I'm so depressed it hurts, and my mind is taking it out on my body.

I've been feeling generally unwell, but I've also been getting awful headaches and body aches and nausea and tummygrumblies and this past weekend, I sneezed and it threw my back out. How sad is that?

I feel lately like no amount of talking it out or even drinking it away is helping. I got drunk last Friday and although I felt great while I was drinking, the next morning, even though I wasn't hung over, the weight of everything that's hurting me just descended back onto my shoulders and I could barely breathe for the stress of it all.

Why can't it be easy, just for a little while, just long enough for me to crawl out of this emotional hole?