Scott actually filed the divorce papers yesterday. I felt more or less okay all day, just a little down, but when I was in bed trying to sleep I just got overwhelmingly sad and I started crying again.
I feel so bad for crying in front of Scott because I know this whole thing is hurting him, too, and a large part of that is his feeling guilty about hurting me, and when I hurt more, he hurts more, so I'm trying not to let it out. But last night I couldn't help it.
I have a move-in date set for December 6th (took a day off of work) at my new apartment, and the big move-all-the-things day will be the next day, Saturday December 7th. I have several people who are willing to come over and help me load up my stuff into trucks and haul it off to its new life. I honestly don't have that much stuff that is only mine, and the only big piece of furniture I'm keeping is the king-sized bed. Everything else will fit into people's vans or SUVs.
So I just need to start packing my stuff...I'm thinking if I do a few boxes here and there I won't have as much to pack the week of the move.
I keep making lists of things I'm going to need to buy for my new place and it's about a thousand things, most of which I can wait until later to buy. It's realistically going to take probably a year for me to get everything perfect, just the way I want it.
I thought that as time went on and I checked things off of my to-do list I would start to feel better, but overall this is feeling worse and worse. It hurts. A lot.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Monday, November 11, 2013
The End Of Life As I Know It...And A New Beginning
I've been holding this in for a week and a half now. I need to get it out and let everyone know what's going on with me.
I came home on Friday, November 1st to see Scott sitting alone in our bedroom with packed bags. He simply said "I'm leaving". I had so many questions but I couldn't bring myself to ask them. All I got out of it was "I fell out of love with you." I felt like it had been a beautiful, clear day with the sun shining and the birds singing and suddenly a fucking meteoroid came out of the sky and smashed into my face.
He went to stay at his friend's house. He couldn't stay there because he had a severe asthma attack from the allergies to the cats in the house, so he came back home the very next day, but when he got home he barely made it into the front door before he completely passed out. My friend was here with me, keeping me company and letting me talk about the whole situation with her, and I'm so glad she was there when Scott got home because while I grabbed his nebulizer she called 911 and we got the paramedics there. He was barely breathing. His face was turning purple. If I hadn't recognized what was going on I might have lost him forever. He literally almost died, and I literally saved his life by acting so quickly.
When he got back to breathing normally, we had a talk. He said that it had been cowardly for him to "run away" and that he needed to be here to face the problem head-on. I asked him how long he hadn't loved me. He said "It started to fade away about nine months ago". I think what hurts the most is that he felt, for nine months, like he couldn't talk to me.
My family and friends had been tag-teaming it all evening Friday and all day Saturday so I was never alone and I always had someone to talk with. That was very wonderful of them. That's what got me through that first 24 hours.
I wanted to be angry at him. I really did. But I just couldn't. People fall out of love. It happens every day. It's not like he was out to hurt me. In fact, he didn't tell me for so long because he was afraid of how it would affect me. He's a very considerate man. I know he doesn't love me anymore, but he still cares for me and wants me to be happy and healthy.
I took that following Monday off so I could get in to see a doctor. I got scrips for something to help me sleep and an additional antidepressant to give me a boost over the coming months.
I asked Scott to make a decision. I asked him to decide whether he wanted to go to counseling and try to get the love back, or just end it now. He thought about it for a few days and then decided to end it. I wanted to try to work it out but a) I don't deserve to be in a one-way relationship, or a relationship where the other party doesn't even want to try to love me and b) I can't make him love me, no matter what I do. I also can't make him try counseling. So I decided that once he made the decision for himself I would support him in whatever he chose. If he had wanted to keep trying, I would have fought tooth-and-nail to save this marriage, but if he wanted to end it, I would back off. He chose divorce.
So, we're almost done with the paperwork. We agreed on no lawyers. There are no children and neither of us is angry or vindictive, so we don't need to protect ourselves from each other. We're just submitting the paperwork online so there will be a small fee and then a 90 day waiting period, and then we'll be done. In the meantime, we have plenty of time to separate all bank accounts, investment accounts, debts, insurance, you name it. I have a to-do list a mile long. For right now I'm trying to just do one thing each day. We're working through the list. We'll be completely separated by the time the divorce goes through sometime in February.
So this past week Scott and I cancelled our joint credit card. We sold the Focus for $4000, and we each took half. I took my half and started a new checking account and a new savings account, and took my name off of our joint accounts so they're all in just Scott's name now. Scott had a few things he had to fix on my car, and that's taken care of. I started looking at apartments this past weekend and I found a good place to live that will be available the first week of December. I put in my application today and I'll know sometime tomorrow if I'm approved for the apartment, and then Thursday I get paid so I can go put a security deposit down.
Big things. Deep breaths. I'm going to be okay.
So how am I handling this emotionally? I think the second antidepressant is keeping me afloat, and I'm surrounded by friends and family who can come over at the drop of a hat if I need to talk. The few days it took Scott to make his decision were agonizing, but once he decided and told me what he wanted I was sad, of course, but I also felt at peace about the whole situation.
I know in my mind that I'm going to be okay. I know I'm smart and capable and I make enough money for myself that everything will be fine. I'm just scared that it's going to hit me hard at some point, when it finally clicks in my mind that almost my entire life is changing. And it's changing very quickly. I'm worried that once everything is settled and I have my own place and I get everything checked off my list, I'll suddenly have spare time and I'll dwell on what happened and make my depression worse, but I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
So that's what's going on.
And here's the most important thing I have to say:
I am not angry at Scott for any of this. He didn't do anything wrong, and has been nothing but helpful, kind, and generous through this whole thing. He is a good man. Sometimes people grow and change together as a couple, but sometimes they don't. It just didn't happen. It's nobody's fault. So I DO NOT want anyone to be angry with Scott (or me, for that matter) because he doesn't deserve that. We're best friends, even though the romantic love is gone, and we will continue to be friends and be there for each other.
It's sad, but I feel hopeful for the future.
In the meantime, please send happy thoughts and positive mental energy my way. You can even pray for me if that's your thing.
Thanks to everyone who has listened to me talk about this, who has brought me delicious baked goods and booze, and to everyone who has my back. It means more to me that I can even say.
I came home on Friday, November 1st to see Scott sitting alone in our bedroom with packed bags. He simply said "I'm leaving". I had so many questions but I couldn't bring myself to ask them. All I got out of it was "I fell out of love with you." I felt like it had been a beautiful, clear day with the sun shining and the birds singing and suddenly a fucking meteoroid came out of the sky and smashed into my face.
He went to stay at his friend's house. He couldn't stay there because he had a severe asthma attack from the allergies to the cats in the house, so he came back home the very next day, but when he got home he barely made it into the front door before he completely passed out. My friend was here with me, keeping me company and letting me talk about the whole situation with her, and I'm so glad she was there when Scott got home because while I grabbed his nebulizer she called 911 and we got the paramedics there. He was barely breathing. His face was turning purple. If I hadn't recognized what was going on I might have lost him forever. He literally almost died, and I literally saved his life by acting so quickly.
When he got back to breathing normally, we had a talk. He said that it had been cowardly for him to "run away" and that he needed to be here to face the problem head-on. I asked him how long he hadn't loved me. He said "It started to fade away about nine months ago". I think what hurts the most is that he felt, for nine months, like he couldn't talk to me.
My family and friends had been tag-teaming it all evening Friday and all day Saturday so I was never alone and I always had someone to talk with. That was very wonderful of them. That's what got me through that first 24 hours.
I wanted to be angry at him. I really did. But I just couldn't. People fall out of love. It happens every day. It's not like he was out to hurt me. In fact, he didn't tell me for so long because he was afraid of how it would affect me. He's a very considerate man. I know he doesn't love me anymore, but he still cares for me and wants me to be happy and healthy.
I took that following Monday off so I could get in to see a doctor. I got scrips for something to help me sleep and an additional antidepressant to give me a boost over the coming months.
I asked Scott to make a decision. I asked him to decide whether he wanted to go to counseling and try to get the love back, or just end it now. He thought about it for a few days and then decided to end it. I wanted to try to work it out but a) I don't deserve to be in a one-way relationship, or a relationship where the other party doesn't even want to try to love me and b) I can't make him love me, no matter what I do. I also can't make him try counseling. So I decided that once he made the decision for himself I would support him in whatever he chose. If he had wanted to keep trying, I would have fought tooth-and-nail to save this marriage, but if he wanted to end it, I would back off. He chose divorce.
So, we're almost done with the paperwork. We agreed on no lawyers. There are no children and neither of us is angry or vindictive, so we don't need to protect ourselves from each other. We're just submitting the paperwork online so there will be a small fee and then a 90 day waiting period, and then we'll be done. In the meantime, we have plenty of time to separate all bank accounts, investment accounts, debts, insurance, you name it. I have a to-do list a mile long. For right now I'm trying to just do one thing each day. We're working through the list. We'll be completely separated by the time the divorce goes through sometime in February.
So this past week Scott and I cancelled our joint credit card. We sold the Focus for $4000, and we each took half. I took my half and started a new checking account and a new savings account, and took my name off of our joint accounts so they're all in just Scott's name now. Scott had a few things he had to fix on my car, and that's taken care of. I started looking at apartments this past weekend and I found a good place to live that will be available the first week of December. I put in my application today and I'll know sometime tomorrow if I'm approved for the apartment, and then Thursday I get paid so I can go put a security deposit down.
Big things. Deep breaths. I'm going to be okay.
So how am I handling this emotionally? I think the second antidepressant is keeping me afloat, and I'm surrounded by friends and family who can come over at the drop of a hat if I need to talk. The few days it took Scott to make his decision were agonizing, but once he decided and told me what he wanted I was sad, of course, but I also felt at peace about the whole situation.
I know in my mind that I'm going to be okay. I know I'm smart and capable and I make enough money for myself that everything will be fine. I'm just scared that it's going to hit me hard at some point, when it finally clicks in my mind that almost my entire life is changing. And it's changing very quickly. I'm worried that once everything is settled and I have my own place and I get everything checked off my list, I'll suddenly have spare time and I'll dwell on what happened and make my depression worse, but I suppose I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
So that's what's going on.
And here's the most important thing I have to say:
I am not angry at Scott for any of this. He didn't do anything wrong, and has been nothing but helpful, kind, and generous through this whole thing. He is a good man. Sometimes people grow and change together as a couple, but sometimes they don't. It just didn't happen. It's nobody's fault. So I DO NOT want anyone to be angry with Scott (or me, for that matter) because he doesn't deserve that. We're best friends, even though the romantic love is gone, and we will continue to be friends and be there for each other.
It's sad, but I feel hopeful for the future.
In the meantime, please send happy thoughts and positive mental energy my way. You can even pray for me if that's your thing.
Thanks to everyone who has listened to me talk about this, who has brought me delicious baked goods and booze, and to everyone who has my back. It means more to me that I can even say.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Food Prophets...?
Me: I'm going to sit in a really hot bath and eat ice cream for dinner. Because I can. Also because life sucks sometimes.
R.: I'm having beer and circus animals for dinner. Because I can, and because my wrist really hurts and it makes me sad. So totally no judgements here. BTW, what flavor of ice cream?
Me: Cherry Garcia. Plus Magic Shell.
R.: Excellent. If it was vanilla, I'd judge the shit out of you.
Me: No. I'm worth more decadence than vanilla.
R.: Everyone is. Vanilla should be considered a pie topping only, not a flavor.
Me: I like vanilla if it's smothered in caramel. And I do mean SMOTHERED.
R.: So really it's just a device on which to deposit caramel for easier transport to one's facehole. It's not a "flavor".
Me: It's like french fries. They're just a vehicle for fry sauce.
R.: Precisely. And macaroni is just a vehicle for cheese.
Me: It appears you and I are soulmates.
R.: I think we should combine our powers and proselytize our view on food. We'd change the world! Or at least the grocery store. "Vanilla ice cream and pasta are condiments and therefore excluded from caloric content"
Me: Amen!
R.: I knew you'd be moved to see the face of God through these words. Truly we are food prophets.
R.: I'm having beer and circus animals for dinner. Because I can, and because my wrist really hurts and it makes me sad. So totally no judgements here. BTW, what flavor of ice cream?
Me: Cherry Garcia. Plus Magic Shell.
R.: Excellent. If it was vanilla, I'd judge the shit out of you.
Me: No. I'm worth more decadence than vanilla.
R.: Everyone is. Vanilla should be considered a pie topping only, not a flavor.
Me: I like vanilla if it's smothered in caramel. And I do mean SMOTHERED.
R.: So really it's just a device on which to deposit caramel for easier transport to one's facehole. It's not a "flavor".
Me: It's like french fries. They're just a vehicle for fry sauce.
R.: Precisely. And macaroni is just a vehicle for cheese.
Me: It appears you and I are soulmates.
R.: I think we should combine our powers and proselytize our view on food. We'd change the world! Or at least the grocery store. "Vanilla ice cream and pasta are condiments and therefore excluded from caloric content"
Me: Amen!
R.: I knew you'd be moved to see the face of God through these words. Truly we are food prophets.
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