No More Fairy Tales

I know it's been a while since I've written. I've had a lot happen; I just can't seem to find the words.

For the past few days I've gotten a little worried. I've been feeling myself start to spiral downward into a depressive phase. I only told three people about it, Boyfriend not included. I'm just not sure we're there yet.

Something that's been difficult for me with Boyfriend is knowing the proper level of intimacy for this particular stage in our relationship. Things are going well. But it's a huge adjustment, going from a marriage relationship with someone you've known for ten years (that began as a stable friendship before romance even came into the equation) to a new relationship with someone you've known in a romantic capacity only for a whole four months. I'm the type of person who relies on a romantic relationship for emotional openness and honesty with someone for whom I care deeply, but I don't know if that's something that should happen now or after we've spent more time together. This is entirely new territory for me, and it's sometimes hella confusing.

I've been thinking lately about how much things have changed since last November. I have a few constants: friends and family. But other than that, everything's up in the air. I'm even looking at finding a new job. I guess the change that's been bugging me lately is my new, un-naive idea of romantic love.

I no longer believe in fairy-tale endings.

They don't fucking exist.

If anyone in this entire world was going to have one, it was going to be me and Scott. Yes, our relationship had been THAT GOOD. We had horrible things we had to deal with, yes, but we were a team.

But that's over and gone.

I'm with Boyfriend for who knows how long, and I'm having fun with it, and I'm open-minded as to where we'll end up, but I have no illusions that we'll be together forever. It's too ridiculous. Second marriages (or long-term, stable relationships) are even more doomed than first marriages in this day and age.

If my very best, 100%, all-the-time efforts weren't enough to keep my marriage alive, then I don't know what else I can do. What more can you give than everything you've ever had?

And all this is depressing the hell out of me. If it's all going to end in heartache, what's the point? I feel so jaded.

Logically, in my mind, I know that up until the end my years with Scott were the best years of my life, and I absolutely don't regret being with him. Maybe, for those few years, we were meant to be, and then we just weren't anymore. I don't know. I don't even know if I believe in fate in any way, shape, or form. What I do know is that the end of it ripped my heart in two, and I'm loath to experience that again.

So am I holding back from Boyfriend because we're not ready for that level of intimacy, or am I holding back out of fear for what might happen to my heart in the future?

I like to think that I'm the kind of person who will love deeply, regardless of the consequences, regardless of the ultimate outcome, because love is what makes life worth living, even if you don't always have it. Even if it burns you. Even if it takes away your naive misconceptions of romantic love.

But I'm not sure anymore.