Saturday, January 24, 2015

How Much I've Forgotten

It's been a while. I was thinking about it today.

Writing used to be something I found solace in. But I spent the last year trying to decide which direction I should take my life in, and that took a lot of my time and energy.

But I need to write more. It's cathartic. And I'll start with this:

Tonight I saw the new Steven Hawking movie.

Tonight I cried. Harder than I've cried in a long time.

That movie hit me hard on a couple of points. It was all I could do not to sob openly in the theater, sitting next to my new almost kinda sorta maybe boyfriend (It hasn't been defined. Ask me if it's bugging me. I dare you.). And then after he left I came up to my apartment and totally lost my shit.

I watched an incredible movie about how a woman loved Steven Hawking and married him, knowing full well what she was getting herself into, and struggled every damn day to take care of him. And it brought up some extremely painful memories, memories of watching my own husband suffer.

I had forgotten how much it used to hurt. I saw Scott in so much pain and we both felt completely powerless. It took control over our lives.

I had forgotten.

But now I remember.

I remember how much it used to hurt.

And now, I still talk with Scott, and I know he still struggles, but it's no longer something I see every day, and so...I forgot.

I have such mixed feelings about the way things ended with Scott. I can honestly say I have no regrets about how my life has turned out, because even when things have been so bad I didn't think I could possibly push through it all, those very things that hurt me most are what have shaped me into the person I am today, and I am grateful for that. I miss having a companion, someone I could trust with my innermost secrets, someone with whom I could be as intimate as I wanted. I crave that emotional intimacy, so very, very badly. I know it will come eventually, and I need to be patient, but it's hard. But even with all of this, I am a tiny bit glad I don't have to watch someone I love more than I love life itself in so much pain every day.

Small mercies, eh?

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