Still In The Dark

This time of year is really hard for me. It's so dark when I leave for work in the morning, and then I'm inside my lab all day, and then I come home and all I want to do is sleep. It's the hardest thing in the world for me to stay awake until a decent bedtime. Scott's been making fun of me for it. I know it's all in good fun and that he loves me, but I don't think he realizes how hard this is for me this year. I don't think he understands how powerful the urge to sleep actually is. And I think a large portion of that is the Abilify.

I want to try something else, but at the same time, I've never felt more calm and less anxious than I have while I've been on the Abilify. Scott definitely doesn't want me to try something else. I think switching meds around is more stressful for him than it is for me. He's the one that has to deal with any weird changes in my mood (not that I'm not experiencing it, but it's rougher on him for some reason than on me...it's almost like I can internalize what I'm feeling and make it not affect me as much, even though it's readily apparent to him what I'm feeling...it makes sense in my head).

I pry myself out of bed in the morning (after hitting snooze for half an hour), go to work, walk around in a haze all day, come home, and then I have to find something to fill my time until I can actually go to bed. Trust me, if I went to sleep right when I got home I'd easily sleep until morning. It's hard enough to stay awake after getting off of work at a normal time, but when I get off of work early and have time to take a nap before dinner...sigh. And the sad thing is, right after dinner I just want to get back in bed.

I'm taking my meds as faithfully as I can (I do forget a pill now and again, but I try to keep that from happening as much as possible). I have a SAD light, but I keep forgetting to use it, which makes me feel terrible for complaining when I'm not doing everything in my power to keep this depression at bay.

I'm sitting here, at work, at my desk, and fighting to stay awake. Maybe I'll head over to the gas station and grab a soda...