Never, Ever

I will never be able to figure out Blogger's formatting.

So Good!

I am really loving my new job. The people are all super nice to me, and everyone is really helpful when I'm learning how to do things, and the work is varied and interesting every day.

The first few days were extremely overwhelming. There were all kinds of orientations and paperwork coming out of my ears. Then I had to read a ton of procedures and get trained on the proper way of doing things in the lab. There have been a couple of times where I've been thrown in the deep end with nothing but a vague set of instructions, but then the training kicked in and I totally owned it. This job makes me feel so good about myself and my abilities. I feel like I'm contributing to something amazing in a real way.

I was really worried about having to learn new things. I had become extremely good at what I was doing at my old job, but it was getting me nowhere, career-wise. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to pick up new things, that it would be too hard. But, it seems like I had nothing to worry about. I'm learning something new every day and every day is a new adventure.

The commute is one of the only things that isn't a step up from my old job. It's a 40 minute drive (my old job was 20 minutes away). The other thing is the hours. I had been working a 7:30 to 3:30 which I absolutely loved, and now I'm on a 9-5. I'm getting used to it, but it's sorta disappointing when I look at the clock and it's 3:30 and I think I can go home but NO, I have to stay another hour and a half.

I think as I learn to do more tests and become more independent and less needy I'll be able to fill my time better so I'll always be busy and the time will go by much more quickly. I hate being bored, like I was for part of today. I ended up doing menial tasks like washing dishes and filing paperwork so I wouldn't be sitting around doing nothing. I talked a bit with my boss the other day and he really wants me to be doing more important tasks, since I was hired as a Senior Analyst (that makes me sound old!), but personally I feel like nobody is above cleaning up after themselves and I am determined not to leave messes for others to clean up.

My immediate supervisor is so sweet and understanding. I think we're going to end up friends. But my manager is a little scary. He's British. Have you ever met a Brit? I think I didn't realize how friendly Americans are until I met a few Brits (and RB is a British company, so there are quite a few even here in Salt Lake). It's not like he's a jerk or anything. Actually, he's a very likeable guy. He's just very serious about what we do and would probably be very stern if he felt he needed to. Anyway, I never ever want to end up on his bad side so I'm trying super hard not to screw up! So far I haven't made any mistakes.

The benefits at my new job are amazing, too. By moving I got a substantial base salary raise, plus potential for higher bonuses than at my old job. The 401 K is awesome: my old company matched 4%, and this one matches 6% and also contributes an automatic 4% on top of that whether you're contributing or not! I did the math and I'll be getting almost twice as much into my 401K per year as I was before. AMAZING. Also, the health insurance is better and less expensive for me.

Really, it was about time I made a big, positive change in my life and this is looking to be the best decision I've made for myself in a very long time.

Bigger, better things.

New Things Are Terrifying

I've wanted to write about my new job situation all week, but I wanted to wait a week so that I could see how I felt. After the first two days, I was overwhelmed and feared I may have made a huge mistake, but now that I have worked for a week there I feel much, much better.

I'd been toying with the idea of a new job for quite a while, but since I was already employed and wasn't desperate for any job, I had the luxury of waiting until something perfect rolled around. What I have isn't perfect, but it's just what I need right now.

I won't reveal where I work so openly on the internet, but I'll tell you a few things about the company that I really like.

It's a much larger company than the one I came from; global, in fact. And I find it amazing that I'm working with products that I've used before with confidence. Actually, they're products that every person I've ever known uses all the time. How cool is that?!

The lab is much larger than the one I came from, with much more equipment and more employees.

Some things are done the same as at my old lab, since both labs are regulated by a lot of the same laws and agencies. There are, of course, adjustments.

I was terrified for the first few days...terrified that I had made a horrible, horrible mistake. I felt like I was in over my head. But, after a few days of learning new things, I feel like I made a good decision. This is going to be so good for me and my career. I feel like here, I will have the opportunity to become a better, more well-rounded chemist, to become more experienced, and to stretch and spread my wings so that someday I might fly.

This Is Actually A Big Deal

It seems as if everything has changed in the last year. And now I'm about to make another huge change.

I've been with my company for six years. It's been a wild ride. I've gained invaluable experience and met some great people and formed some friendships that I think will last a lifetime.

But it's time to move on.

I don't want to be too specific, because getting fired from my new job for being too descriptive on the blog would be absolutely awful. But let me just say this: tomorrow is my last day here. Monday I start somewhere new. And I'm terrified.

You all know me. I'm a worrier. A lot of the things I worry about are stupid and inconsequential, but there are other things that are real. Really real.

Things I'm worried about:

1. What if they don't like me? (I've never not gotten along with someone at work. I shouldn't worry.)
2. What if the work is too hard? (I'm competent, educated, and hard-working. I shouldn't worry.)
3. What if there's too much stress? (Every time something stressful has happened to me, I've risen to the occasion. See blog entries for the last six years as evidence. I shouldn't worry.)
4. Okay, that's really it.

So I guess I'm not worrying as badly as I usually do. Actually, I feel pretty peaceful about my decision. Don't get me wrong; this is a BIG FRIGGIN DEAL. But I can handle it. I'm a strong one.

Too Bad...

Me:  Training someone is hard work. Especially because I'm a control freak and I'm having to let go.

 

Mim:  I know, I hate training, too.  My boss wants me to train the secretary to do my job.   While doing my job, which takes all of my time.

 

Me:  That's the thing. I'm having to slow way down. I'm getting things done in double the time.

And there are little, irrelevant things I do because of OCD tendencies that my coworker is not doing and it's making my skin crawl.

Mim:  I hereby grant you dispensation from all rules of decent behavior:  Slap him.

From the Pope, through me, to you.

You're welcome.

 

Me:  Too bad we're not Catholic.

 

Mim:  We should convert.  Then develop bad habits we can give up for lent.

 

I AM Enough

When you go through two breakups in a row that ended up the same way, you start to doubt yourself.

Was it me? Did I make a mistake or do something wrong? Am I not enough?

But I AM enough. There are just people who don't see it.

To make myself feel better, I'm going to list a few of my good attributes. I'm smart and university educated. I'm independent. I'm usually optimistic and have a positive outlook on life. I give my time and talents to others. I'm always willing to help out a friend. I'm debt-free, except my car loan (which is a pretty amazing accomplishment). I can be amusing. I enjoy myself almost anywhere I am. I'm willing to try new things. I have nice boobs and pretty eyes. I'm sure there are more, and I know I have flaws, but right now I need to get myself believing that I am enough just as I am. I don't need to change for someone to love me. If someone doesn't love me, then they're not right for me. End of story. If I'm not interesting enough to capture and hold someone's attention, then they're looking for something I can't offer and I need to move on and keep looking.

I'm wondering if Ex-Boyfriend had an unrealistic view of how a relationship actually works. I think what I'm most upset about is that, when offered the chance to work on the relationship and see if we can figure out a way to make it work again, he didn't want to. I wasn't worth the effort to him. That hurts, but it's his problem, not mine. I can't control other people's actions and feelings. All I can control is how I react to them.

I'm also wondering if some of my good attributes were working against me. For example, I am very independent. No matter what happens to me, it's my responsibility to fix it. I own my life. There are a lot of men out there who don't like independent women. I don't need anyone else to take care of me, or even for me to be happy. I am whole. I don't need rescuing. All I want out of a relationship is companionship. Materially, I don't need more than I already have.

I'm looking back and wondering if the bipolar thing had anything to do with this. But, during the almost five months we dated, he only saw me have a bad bipolar day once, and I had warned him ahead of time. I look back and realize that there was only one time I even came close to losing my temper with him, and that was when he was goading me and all I said was "Are you trying to piss me off??"

Right now the idea of starting over with someone new is emotionally exhausting. I need to wait this depressive episode out and get back to normal before I even think about jumping into dating again.

Why does it have to be so complicated? It was never complicated with Scott. I realize that is incredibly rare and that, realistically, I'm not going to find an ideal situation like that again. Or at least not anytime soon. But is it really so much to ask that I find a drama-free, game-free man with whom I can have fun and share emotional intimacy? A man who doesn't have or want kids? Maybe it is too much to ask. I'll have to wait and see.

Yet Another New Reality

Last time I checked in I was feeling like I was headed into a downward spiral.

For a while there it felt like it wouldn't be so bad. Then a few things happened yesterday.

First, Boyfriend (well, now EX-Boyfriend) came over and dumped me out of nowhere. Same reason as Scott: "You're an amazing person but my feelings for you are gone."

Okay. I can deal with that. I've had worse. Insert self-pep-talk here.

Ten minutes later I got a phone call from a company with whom I had interviewed this past Friday. I got the job! I was elated. I was so proud of myself. I said, "At least there's some good news to offset the bad."

Ten minutes later I got the formal offer through e-mail. And they were offering a pay cut.

Sigh. I had had high hopes for this job opportunity.

Okay...now two things...can I handle this? Probably. I felt like I was being kicked while I was down, but still felt like I had the ability to compartmentalize and keep going with my life.

Today I came home from work, a little early, and decided to take a nap. When I'm depressed, I sleep a lot, just to get through the days until it passes (which it usually does on its own).

I dreamt that I hadn't been in a breakup yesterday, that things were just fine, and when I woke up just now...

...I just have this horrible sinking feeling. It's real. I don't know how long I'm going to feel depressed, or how bad it's going to get, but it's going to get worse. I can feel it.

And that, my friends, is the new reality that I now face.

No More Fairy Tales

I know it's been a while since I've written. I've had a lot happen; I just can't seem to find the words.

For the past few days I've gotten a little worried. I've been feeling myself start to spiral downward into a depressive phase. I only told three people about it, Boyfriend not included. I'm just not sure we're there yet.

Something that's been difficult for me with Boyfriend is knowing the proper level of intimacy for this particular stage in our relationship. Things are going well. But it's a huge adjustment, going from a marriage relationship with someone you've known for ten years (that began as a stable friendship before romance even came into the equation) to a new relationship with someone you've known in a romantic capacity only for a whole four months. I'm the type of person who relies on a romantic relationship for emotional openness and honesty with someone for whom I care deeply, but I don't know if that's something that should happen now or after we've spent more time together. This is entirely new territory for me, and it's sometimes hella confusing.

I've been thinking lately about how much things have changed since last November. I have a few constants: friends and family. But other than that, everything's up in the air. I'm even looking at finding a new job. I guess the change that's been bugging me lately is my new, un-naive idea of romantic love.

I no longer believe in fairy-tale endings.

They don't fucking exist.

If anyone in this entire world was going to have one, it was going to be me and Scott. Yes, our relationship had been THAT GOOD. We had horrible things we had to deal with, yes, but we were a team.

But that's over and gone.

I'm with Boyfriend for who knows how long, and I'm having fun with it, and I'm open-minded as to where we'll end up, but I have no illusions that we'll be together forever. It's too ridiculous. Second marriages (or long-term, stable relationships) are even more doomed than first marriages in this day and age.

If my very best, 100%, all-the-time efforts weren't enough to keep my marriage alive, then I don't know what else I can do. What more can you give than everything you've ever had?

And all this is depressing the hell out of me. If it's all going to end in heartache, what's the point? I feel so jaded.

Logically, in my mind, I know that up until the end my years with Scott were the best years of my life, and I absolutely don't regret being with him. Maybe, for those few years, we were meant to be, and then we just weren't anymore. I don't know. I don't even know if I believe in fate in any way, shape, or form. What I do know is that the end of it ripped my heart in two, and I'm loath to experience that again.

So am I holding back from Boyfriend because we're not ready for that level of intimacy, or am I holding back out of fear for what might happen to my heart in the future?

I like to think that I'm the kind of person who will love deeply, regardless of the consequences, regardless of the ultimate outcome, because love is what makes life worth living, even if you don't always have it. Even if it burns you. Even if it takes away your naive misconceptions of romantic love.

But I'm not sure anymore.

I Got 3 Hours Last Night

I've been having trouble sleeping.

It started when I went off the Trazodone that I had been taking to help me sleep. If you'll remember, it was making me so shaky I couldn't get stuff done, so I had to quit.

While my mood adjusted pretty quickly to not being on it, my sleep did not. For the next few months I would sometimes be able to sleep normally, but more often than not I would lie there in bed, awake. So awake. But I was managing to get 6-8 hours of sleep a night, which is normal for normal people, but I'm not normal, am I? I need usually 8-10 to feel well-rested.

The other part of the problem was staying asleep. If I was able to get to sleep at a normal time, I would wake up several times in the night, so when I got up the next morning I would sometimes feel like I hadn't slept at all.

Anyway, these past few weeks it seems to have gotten worse. Way worse. I've been running on 4-6 hours of sleep a night, and so on weekends I pretty much hibernate to make up for it. I've been taking Benadryl, which used to knock me flat, but my body must be getting used to it because it's not making me sleepy anymore.

In fact, nothing seems to be working anymore. Benadryl, alcohol, Trazodone...even Klonopin isn't doing it anymore. I was so desperate for sleep a few weeks ago that I took a whole Klonopin and it didn't even make me feel out of it. I wasn't sleepy at all.

I don't know why this is happening. But it's wearing on me, and it needs to stop. Part of me wants to go in and see a doctor and get some Ambien or something, but I know someone who took Ambien, fell asleep, and woke up later in his car, which was wrapped around a tree. And that's not the only story I've heard about people doing strange (and sometimes dangerous) things while on that particular medication. I used to sleepwalk when I was really young, and that makes me nervous to take something to help me sleep.

So frustrating.

Paid Off! And Vegetables!

So a few weeks ago I was talking with Boyfriend and he asked me, "...So...how broke are you?" And I was all like "Not."

But even though I wasn't broke per se, I felt like I was having a hard time with debt, because I had quite a balance on my credit card (and by quite a balance I mean like $2,000, which is a lot for me).

And then, even though the conversation moved on, I spent the next week or so obsessing over it. Because that's how I roll. Worry, worry, worry.

I've been spending way too much money on going out to eat. I hate cooking; you all know that. And when I do cook, it's easy stuff like macaroni and cheese from a box or freezer things you microwave. And that gets old and boring, so I tend to go out and get a cheeseburger instead. Also, dating is inherently expensive.

So I decided to do two things: start getting Bountiful Baskets again and start cooking at home, and sell stuff I didn't need.

As far as selling stuff, I have some stuff that is valuable but I don't want to sell, such as my old wedding rings. Call me nostalgic, but I kinda want to keep them to remember all the good times by. It's not like it was a bad marriage. But then I have some stuff of value that I wasn't even using, such as my spinning wheel.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to keep it or not. I hadn't spun in like a year, not since the alpaca fiasco of 2013. And a few months ago I went to a fiber festival with a friend and brought my wheel, and while I was spinning there, I was just so bored with it. I didn't want to do it. I don't like it anymore, and I want to spend more time knitting and less time spinning the yarn so I can then knit it.

So I decided to sell it. I put an ad up on a Ravelry for sale thread and within two days I had a buyer. I sold my wheel and all its accessories, spindles, niddy noddy, and all my spinning fiber for a total of $950. I shipped it off to the buyer (and didn't have to pay shipping) and then got the money into my Paypal account, and then I was sitting pretty.

Then I got my regular paycheck, and that along with the money from the wheel plus a bit from my savings account added up to a nice chunk of money and I completely paid off my credit card.

Now I'm going to switch back to cash only. The card will be there in case of emergencies, but I'm not going to use it much anymore.

Back to the  Bountiful Baskets:

I've been so excited to see what I get every week, and it's been fun and satisfying to figure out what to eat for each meal and how to work in all the food so nothing goes to waste. I'm eating most of it raw, to be honest, so there's actually not much cooking involved after all, and with the money I'm saving by bringing lunch to work every day instead of going out, it's pretty much paying for itself.

Plus I'm eating vegetables every day which is kinda revolutionary for me.

Brains, Anyone?

Me: I kinda wish I could find a happy medium between the Abilify and the Geodon. Something that would work well and keep my energy up, but still let me sleep at night.

Kwiddens: Let's get you a new brain.

Me: Okie!

Kwiddens: Have someone's in mind?

Me: Let's spring for an Einstein. I know it'll be more expensive, but I think in the long run it'll be worth it. I could go back to grad school!

Kwiddens: I think you're right. Worth the extra money. It might be on back order, though.

Me: :D

Kwiddens: Tee-hee. We're cool.

 

An Eleven-Day Vacation In California!

So about three weeks after Boyfriend and I went on our first date he had a road trip scheduled with his sister to drive back to California to visit old friends and do touristy-type things, and he invited me to go with him, so I did! I figured it would be sort of a relationship-viability test, which he passed with flying colors.

We spent eleven days together (pretty much every second of every day) and I didn't get sick of him. Not even once. And that's a huge deal to me, because, as you all know, I'm a hermit by nature and I hate being around people a lot of the time. It's rare that I can spend that much time in someone's company and not go crazy. So that worked out well. It also turns out that he doesn't have any weird or annoying habits or quirks that bug me.

So what did we do on this vacation? I'll tell you!

We hit San Diego first, which is where Boyfriend used to live. While we were there we met his friends, saw a band live (the same band with whom he used to be roommates) at a bar (where I discovered another beer that I like)(although technically it's a cider, so I still don't like beer at all), spent a day at the San Diego Zoo (AMAZING), where we saw a ton of animals. It was the best zoo I've ever seen, and that's really saying something, seeing as I'd seen the Omaha zoo several years ago.

"Turtle, turtle!"

Eew.

Honey Badger Don't Give A Shit!

We also hit up Old Town San Diego, where there's a haunted house, and it was amazing. We went to Boyfriend's favorite used bookstore, where I bought some physics books (big surprise...). We saw the Museum of Man, which had a torture exhibit on loan from Italy (and it turns out that Boyfriend had seen the same exhibit in a museum in Italy, where it was actually in a dungeon and much creepier) and that was amazing and fascinating and really sick and sad at the same time. But we went through the rest of the museum and there were mummies and some spindles from ancient Egypt, so of course I had to take pictures of those:

Next up we hit Pasadena, which is about 30 minutes from L.A., so we were able to do things in both cities. We spent a day at the beach at Santa Monica pier, which was absolutely beautiful, and while we were there we ate seafood while looking at the ocean. I loved it. I put on SPF 50 and still burned, though. I'm so frakking pale. We went and hit Hollywood one day, and ate at the Hard Rock Café, where the food is mediocre at best and way too expensive (although everything in California is expensive). We saw the Hollywood Wax Museum, and that was kinda fun, and we saw all the stars along the sidewalks. I got a picture of Admiral Adama's (Edward James Olmos) from Battlestar Galactica, which is one of my favorite shows ever.

We also went to an art museum, where I actually got to see Degas ballerinas up close (and did you know he sculpted them as well as painted them? I had no idea!). I also saw a real Monet:

Just beautiful.

During the trip we hit several breweries, since Boyfriend is into beer, and in Pasadena we hit up a yarn store, since I'm into yarn. It's only fair, right? Anyway, I tried lots of beers from lots of places, and I think it's hopeless. I'm never going to find a beer I like. I'll stick with ciders, thank you very much. While we were there we picked up a lot of alcohol-type stuff that you can't get in Utah. I'm using it slowly so I don't run out quickly. I got souvenir beer for my friend who brews, also.

And our last day we were there we hit up Six Flags. It. Was. Amazing. I love roller coasters so much! And I got cotton candy and brought some home for Kwiddens as well. That was pretty much the perfect day.

The next morning we started heading home, which ended up taking two full days because the car broke down in Cedar City and Boyfriend's family had to come rescue us.

But it was still the best trip ever. And I think Boyfriend and I are probably going to travel more in the future.

I need to get a passport...

I Think I've Decided...

...to keep this blog the way it is. It's my life, my words, my stories...and it'll just continue on, just as I'm continuing on in real life.

The next question is...how long should Boyfriend and I date before I show him the blog? I mean, there are love letters to Scott on here...and stuff about the things we did together...would that be weird? I mean, Boyfriend seems to be cool with the fact that Scott and I are friendly, even though he says it's kinda weird (which it is), but how much more weird would it be for him to see what things used to be like and how I used to feel?

Another Conversation With Kwiddens

Me:  I forgotted to bring lunch, precious.

Kwidedens:  Damn, you'll have to get a taco or a cheeseburger.

Me:  How terrible for me. MY ASS HURTS SO BAD [this was after a 14-mile bike ride]

Kwiddens:  I'll light a candle.

Me:  And say a prayer?

Kwiddens:  Yes.

Me:  Cool. I may get through these hard times.

Kwiddens:  For your cheeseburger and your ass.

Me:  Hehehehe

Kwiddens:  We're so weird.

Me:  And fun.

Kwiddens:  Yes.

Kwiddens:  That little snippet has to go on the blog.

 

Talking with Kwiddens on GChat all day makes the day go by so much more quickly!

I'll Be Warm Next Winter. And Adorable.

Yes, I know the picture is blurry, but I can't help it that my hands shake when I try to take pictures.

Anyway, I started this project like a year ago when I spun this. I just barely got around to finishing it, since I've now finished the shawl and I can knit whatever the hell I want from now on.

This is for me, and only me, because spinning the yarn myself takes so much extra time than when I use store-bought yarn, and I am totally worth that extra time.

They're pink and brownish purple and tan and white, and all together they match my brown winter coat magnificently.

I Finally Finished A Project!

So while I try to decide what to do with this blog, I might as well show off a few things I've finished lately. I have my knitting mojo back. In fact, it's flourishing, because let me show you the prettiest thing I've ever made:

Remember when I started the lace wedding shawl for my dear friend?

Here's a close-up of the tip:

And here it is spread out on my couch:

So basically I had been knitting it, and it turns out that I hate knitting lace so effing badly that even though I was about 2/3 of the way through it, I didn't have the willpower to plow through it and finish. So I ripped it out. It hurt. I had put probably 50 or 60 hours into that thing, but I detested it so much that it just had to go.

So I thought about it, and decided that I love crocheting more than knitting, and I crochet wicked fast, and wouldn't it be fun to design something all by myself, and look what happened.

It's soft, and warm, and snuggly, and when my friend got it in the mail she gushed about how wonderful it was and I felt so good about myself right about then!

I've known this friend since high school. She was (and still is) one of the most amazing people I've ever met and I feel so lucky to have her in my life still, even after all this time. She's one of those friends with whom you can go a very, very long time without getting a chance to talk, but when you do get a chance to make a call you talk for hours about everything and it's like you never stopped talking at all. I love her so much. She's always been there for me. I wanted to make her something beautiful, and unique, and that she could treasure for the rest of her life and pass down to her kids someday.

I feel so accomplished. And now that I've finished it, I decided I want one of my own, so I ordered yarn to make another one. And this time, when I make it, I'll write down the pattern that is still just in my mind and I'll try to either sell it on Ravelry or else see if I can get it published in a book, because DAMN it turned out so well. And now I've got the designing bug, and I just want to create more lacy things because I'm a total badass like that.

Life's Tough Questions

Wow. It's been a long time since I've written here. And I'll be honest with you: it's because I don't know what to do with this blog. My life ended on November 1st. But it didn't. I have new, exciting, fun, and wonderful things and people in my life now that I wouldn't have if it weren't for everything that happened. But I don't know if this is the place to share all that. I want to write about it. I really do.

But here's the thing: this blog has been about my life, yes, but it's been about my life with Scott. I've written about our relationship, our home, our goals and dreams, and our shared experiences. But at the same time, it's been about MY life. And yes, eight years of that life was spent with Scott, and that phase of my life is over, but that doesn't necessarily mean it has to be erased or forgotten. In fact, that would be terrible. Even with the way it ended, things with Scott were great and I have a lot of truly wonderful memories of our life together.

So do I keep writing here, about new things and new people (namely, the amazing guy I'm dating), or do I abandon this blog and start a new one? I honestly don't know the answer.

Two Tattoos In Three Days...Crazy, I Know!

Eight years ago something monumental happened to me.

Eight years ago I found out I was bipolar.

I had known something was wrong. What I didn't know was what it was, how to treat it, or whether I would ever feel "normal", whatever that was.

There's something amazing about knowing your demon. Everyone has demons. Mine finally had a name, and I could finally fight it. And after eight years, I feel like I've defeated it.

Eight years ago I started taking Lamictal.

A whole new world was opened up to me. It was a world in which I could understand my pain. Everything suddenly made sense. This world was a world of emotional color. Things were no longer bleak and gray. This was a chance for a new life.

Scott was a big part of that life. He was there when I was diagnosed. He was there when I started medicating. And he was there when I achieved clarity.

Everything that ends begins something else. Scott and I ended. But it's not the end. And that's why I got this:

"Endings precede new beginnings"

And for the eight years I've been on Lamictal?

I got this:

This molecule changed my life.

A Walker No More

The divorce will be final in a matter of days. This worries me, because of the monumental task of changing my name. Everywhere.

Insurance. Work. E-mail. Facebook (already did that one). Google +. Credit cards. Bank accounts. Driver's License. Concealed carry permit (which I'm due to renew in June anyway). Social security card. Checks.

I'm sure there are more that I haven't thought of yet. They'll come out of the woodwork...

I think if I ever get married again I'm not going to change my name. Andersen forever. What a pain in the ass...

Stronger

You know, when Scott and I originally split up and I went onto an extra antidepressant, I worried about it. Big surprise, huh? Worry, worry, worry. I worried that it would artificially elevate my mood, enough that I wouldn't actually feel what needed to be felt. I was afraid it would just postpone the pain. But I knew I needed to be functional in order to get my life in order.

That first month was rough, but nowhere near as rough as I anticipated. If you had asked me a year ago how I would feel if my relationship with Scott ended I would have said "Devastated". To a certain degree, I was. But I didn't feel it all day, every day, like I would have thought I would. I wondered how much of that was me being strong and how much was the antidepressant.

Well, about a month in things got a bit worse. I wasn't sleeping well and I was occasionally crying at work. That was unacceptable. I mean, I know things were awful but there's no reason it should interfere with my ability to do my job. It's not like any of this was my fault, and unfortunately I don't have the luxury of taking "sad days". So at that point I upped my dosage. And as soon as I did, I felt better. Not great, of course, but well enough to function and occasionally enjoy time with my friends.

Well, I was cruising a long for about a month and a half after increasing my dosage when I noticed that my hands were shaking more than they used to. I had asked my doctor about it and he said it was a common side effect of the Trazodone. They've always shaken; it's just a side effect of both the Lamictal and the Geodon. It's usually not bad enough for me to worry, but this was more than just that little bit of shaking. People were noticing. I was dropping things at work. My whole body started shaking. And when I couldn't crochet I decided I needed to get off the Trazodone.

So I nixed it. Cold turkey. It was pretty uncomfortable for a few days; I think I now know what menopause feels like. Hot flashes like you wouldn't believe. Add in headaches, nausea, shaking (different kind of shaking), and you've got a classic case of withdrawal. Physically, it wasn't that bad. It was the emotions that I was worried about.

And for good reason. Those first few days off of it...wow. I was barely functional. I was barely even myself. I'm so glad I went off of it over a long weekend because DAMN I was out of it. And I was crying all the time. I was so worried that this was going to be my life for the next who knows how long, because now it was apparently time for me to feel what I had been putting off for months while I was on the extra antidepressant.

And then, as suddenly as I stopped it, it went away. The depression went away. I woke up one morning and felt fine. Great, even. And I still feel great.

So how much of my strength came from the meds and how much came from sheer force of will? Who knows. But since coming off the extra antidepressant didn't seem to have that much of an effect on my emotions (excepting, of course, those few days where it was leaving my system), I'm inclined to believe that I'm stronger than I ever thought possible.

And that feels so damn good.

Emotional Health: Check!

I know it's been quite a while since I've written anything here. Life's been too busy, or too slow, or a mixture of the two that makes no sense. In fact, a lot of things still don't make sense. What does make sense is that my life is completely figured out at this point, and I'm doing very, very well.

In fact, I've been doing so well that when someone made a comment about my needing to take my own advice the other day it royally pissed me off.

A friend had called me and was needing to vent about a previous relationship and how it was affecting his current mindset. I offered some of my experiences and some advice and he basically said something like "Well it sounds like you're offering advice you ought to take yourself". I don't remember the exact wording.

But I was like...no. And I said that. "No, _______, I have my shit together."

And I do. I truly do. Do I still hurt sometimes? Yeah, of course. Who wouldn't in my situation? Does that mean my life is a mess? Hell, no.

It's interesting and sort of ironic: I'm the one who is bipolar, but I'm the most emotionally healthy person I know. Why is that? I'm guessing it stems from years upon years upon years of therapy, self-help literature, experiences (both my own and those of other people), and having to keep a constant, close eye on exactly what I am feeling at every single moment (and analyzing why I am feeling the way I am). You don't spend that much time and effort working on your emotional health and have nothing to show for it.

I've worked so hard in many areas of my life but when someone attacks my emotional health...well, that's just ridiculous. Nobody's perfect, but I'm better off than most.