I AM Enough

When you go through two breakups in a row that ended up the same way, you start to doubt yourself.

Was it me? Did I make a mistake or do something wrong? Am I not enough?

But I AM enough. There are just people who don't see it.

To make myself feel better, I'm going to list a few of my good attributes. I'm smart and university educated. I'm independent. I'm usually optimistic and have a positive outlook on life. I give my time and talents to others. I'm always willing to help out a friend. I'm debt-free, except my car loan (which is a pretty amazing accomplishment). I can be amusing. I enjoy myself almost anywhere I am. I'm willing to try new things. I have nice boobs and pretty eyes. I'm sure there are more, and I know I have flaws, but right now I need to get myself believing that I am enough just as I am. I don't need to change for someone to love me. If someone doesn't love me, then they're not right for me. End of story. If I'm not interesting enough to capture and hold someone's attention, then they're looking for something I can't offer and I need to move on and keep looking.

I'm wondering if Ex-Boyfriend had an unrealistic view of how a relationship actually works. I think what I'm most upset about is that, when offered the chance to work on the relationship and see if we can figure out a way to make it work again, he didn't want to. I wasn't worth the effort to him. That hurts, but it's his problem, not mine. I can't control other people's actions and feelings. All I can control is how I react to them.

I'm also wondering if some of my good attributes were working against me. For example, I am very independent. No matter what happens to me, it's my responsibility to fix it. I own my life. There are a lot of men out there who don't like independent women. I don't need anyone else to take care of me, or even for me to be happy. I am whole. I don't need rescuing. All I want out of a relationship is companionship. Materially, I don't need more than I already have.

I'm looking back and wondering if the bipolar thing had anything to do with this. But, during the almost five months we dated, he only saw me have a bad bipolar day once, and I had warned him ahead of time. I look back and realize that there was only one time I even came close to losing my temper with him, and that was when he was goading me and all I said was "Are you trying to piss me off??"

Right now the idea of starting over with someone new is emotionally exhausting. I need to wait this depressive episode out and get back to normal before I even think about jumping into dating again.

Why does it have to be so complicated? It was never complicated with Scott. I realize that is incredibly rare and that, realistically, I'm not going to find an ideal situation like that again. Or at least not anytime soon. But is it really so much to ask that I find a drama-free, game-free man with whom I can have fun and share emotional intimacy? A man who doesn't have or want kids? Maybe it is too much to ask. I'll have to wait and see.