Snip, Snip

I went to the doctor today and got some Ambien. I'm hopeful. I got a good night's sleep last night, for the first night in a while, and I felt loads better today than I have the past few days.

Thank goodness. I was getting a bit snippy with people who don't deserve to be treated like that.

Something's Tipping The Balance

You know, most of the time the bipolar thing is a non-issue. My meds are very effective at keeping me level.

But every once in a while, something tips the balance.

I've been feeling a bit off for a few days, and I can't figure out why. I have things I'm worried and stressed about, which might be it, but something just doesn't feel right, and it's throwing me for a loop.

I've been irritable for a few days, and I'm hoping that it's just because I've not been sleeping well lately.

Words hurt deeper than anything, and I'm so afraid I'm going to lose my temper and say something horrible to someone and ruin things forever.

I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and I'm going to ask for Ambien. I'm hoping if I can sort out my sleeping issues everything else will fall into place.

We'll see.

How Much I've Forgotten

It's been a while. I was thinking about it today.

Writing used to be something I found solace in. But I spent the last year trying to decide which direction I should take my life in, and that took a lot of my time and energy.

But I need to write more. It's cathartic. And I'll start with this:

Tonight I saw the new Steven Hawking movie.

Tonight I cried. Harder than I've cried in a long time.

That movie hit me hard on a couple of points. It was all I could do not to sob openly in the theater, sitting next to my new almost kinda sorta maybe boyfriend (It hasn't been defined. Ask me if it's bugging me. I dare you.). And then after he left I came up to my apartment and totally lost my shit.

I watched an incredible movie about how a woman loved Steven Hawking and married him, knowing full well what she was getting herself into, and struggled every damn day to take care of him. And it brought up some extremely painful memories, memories of watching my own husband suffer.

I had forgotten how much it used to hurt. I saw Scott in so much pain and we both felt completely powerless. It took control over our lives.

I had forgotten.

But now I remember.

I remember how much it used to hurt.

And now, I still talk with Scott, and I know he still struggles, but it's no longer something I see every day, and so...I forgot.

I have such mixed feelings about the way things ended with Scott. I can honestly say I have no regrets about how my life has turned out, because even when things have been so bad I didn't think I could possibly push through it all, those very things that hurt me most are what have shaped me into the person I am today, and I am grateful for that. I miss having a companion, someone I could trust with my innermost secrets, someone with whom I could be as intimate as I wanted. I crave that emotional intimacy, so very, very badly. I know it will come eventually, and I need to be patient, but it's hard. But even with all of this, I am a tiny bit glad I don't have to watch someone I love more than I love life itself in so much pain every day.

Small mercies, eh?

Never, Ever

I will never be able to figure out Blogger's formatting.

So Good!

I am really loving my new job. The people are all super nice to me, and everyone is really helpful when I'm learning how to do things, and the work is varied and interesting every day.

The first few days were extremely overwhelming. There were all kinds of orientations and paperwork coming out of my ears. Then I had to read a ton of procedures and get trained on the proper way of doing things in the lab. There have been a couple of times where I've been thrown in the deep end with nothing but a vague set of instructions, but then the training kicked in and I totally owned it. This job makes me feel so good about myself and my abilities. I feel like I'm contributing to something amazing in a real way.

I was really worried about having to learn new things. I had become extremely good at what I was doing at my old job, but it was getting me nowhere, career-wise. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to pick up new things, that it would be too hard. But, it seems like I had nothing to worry about. I'm learning something new every day and every day is a new adventure.

The commute is one of the only things that isn't a step up from my old job. It's a 40 minute drive (my old job was 20 minutes away). The other thing is the hours. I had been working a 7:30 to 3:30 which I absolutely loved, and now I'm on a 9-5. I'm getting used to it, but it's sorta disappointing when I look at the clock and it's 3:30 and I think I can go home but NO, I have to stay another hour and a half.

I think as I learn to do more tests and become more independent and less needy I'll be able to fill my time better so I'll always be busy and the time will go by much more quickly. I hate being bored, like I was for part of today. I ended up doing menial tasks like washing dishes and filing paperwork so I wouldn't be sitting around doing nothing. I talked a bit with my boss the other day and he really wants me to be doing more important tasks, since I was hired as a Senior Analyst (that makes me sound old!), but personally I feel like nobody is above cleaning up after themselves and I am determined not to leave messes for others to clean up.

My immediate supervisor is so sweet and understanding. I think we're going to end up friends. But my manager is a little scary. He's British. Have you ever met a Brit? I think I didn't realize how friendly Americans are until I met a few Brits (and RB is a British company, so there are quite a few even here in Salt Lake). It's not like he's a jerk or anything. Actually, he's a very likeable guy. He's just very serious about what we do and would probably be very stern if he felt he needed to. Anyway, I never ever want to end up on his bad side so I'm trying super hard not to screw up! So far I haven't made any mistakes.

The benefits at my new job are amazing, too. By moving I got a substantial base salary raise, plus potential for higher bonuses than at my old job. The 401 K is awesome: my old company matched 4%, and this one matches 6% and also contributes an automatic 4% on top of that whether you're contributing or not! I did the math and I'll be getting almost twice as much into my 401K per year as I was before. AMAZING. Also, the health insurance is better and less expensive for me.

Really, it was about time I made a big, positive change in my life and this is looking to be the best decision I've made for myself in a very long time.

Bigger, better things.

New Things Are Terrifying

I've wanted to write about my new job situation all week, but I wanted to wait a week so that I could see how I felt. After the first two days, I was overwhelmed and feared I may have made a huge mistake, but now that I have worked for a week there I feel much, much better.

I'd been toying with the idea of a new job for quite a while, but since I was already employed and wasn't desperate for any job, I had the luxury of waiting until something perfect rolled around. What I have isn't perfect, but it's just what I need right now.

I won't reveal where I work so openly on the internet, but I'll tell you a few things about the company that I really like.

It's a much larger company than the one I came from; global, in fact. And I find it amazing that I'm working with products that I've used before with confidence. Actually, they're products that every person I've ever known uses all the time. How cool is that?!

The lab is much larger than the one I came from, with much more equipment and more employees.

Some things are done the same as at my old lab, since both labs are regulated by a lot of the same laws and agencies. There are, of course, adjustments.

I was terrified for the first few days...terrified that I had made a horrible, horrible mistake. I felt like I was in over my head. But, after a few days of learning new things, I feel like I made a good decision. This is going to be so good for me and my career. I feel like here, I will have the opportunity to become a better, more well-rounded chemist, to become more experienced, and to stretch and spread my wings so that someday I might fly.

This Is Actually A Big Deal

It seems as if everything has changed in the last year. And now I'm about to make another huge change.

I've been with my company for six years. It's been a wild ride. I've gained invaluable experience and met some great people and formed some friendships that I think will last a lifetime.

But it's time to move on.

I don't want to be too specific, because getting fired from my new job for being too descriptive on the blog would be absolutely awful. But let me just say this: tomorrow is my last day here. Monday I start somewhere new. And I'm terrified.

You all know me. I'm a worrier. A lot of the things I worry about are stupid and inconsequential, but there are other things that are real. Really real.

Things I'm worried about:

1. What if they don't like me? (I've never not gotten along with someone at work. I shouldn't worry.)
2. What if the work is too hard? (I'm competent, educated, and hard-working. I shouldn't worry.)
3. What if there's too much stress? (Every time something stressful has happened to me, I've risen to the occasion. See blog entries for the last six years as evidence. I shouldn't worry.)
4. Okay, that's really it.

So I guess I'm not worrying as badly as I usually do. Actually, I feel pretty peaceful about my decision. Don't get me wrong; this is a BIG FRIGGIN DEAL. But I can handle it. I'm a strong one.

Too Bad...

Me:  Training someone is hard work. Especially because I'm a control freak and I'm having to let go.

 

Mim:  I know, I hate training, too.  My boss wants me to train the secretary to do my job.   While doing my job, which takes all of my time.

 

Me:  That's the thing. I'm having to slow way down. I'm getting things done in double the time.

And there are little, irrelevant things I do because of OCD tendencies that my coworker is not doing and it's making my skin crawl.

Mim:  I hereby grant you dispensation from all rules of decent behavior:  Slap him.

From the Pope, through me, to you.

You're welcome.

 

Me:  Too bad we're not Catholic.

 

Mim:  We should convert.  Then develop bad habits we can give up for lent.

 

I AM Enough

When you go through two breakups in a row that ended up the same way, you start to doubt yourself.

Was it me? Did I make a mistake or do something wrong? Am I not enough?

But I AM enough. There are just people who don't see it.

To make myself feel better, I'm going to list a few of my good attributes. I'm smart and university educated. I'm independent. I'm usually optimistic and have a positive outlook on life. I give my time and talents to others. I'm always willing to help out a friend. I'm debt-free, except my car loan (which is a pretty amazing accomplishment). I can be amusing. I enjoy myself almost anywhere I am. I'm willing to try new things. I have nice boobs and pretty eyes. I'm sure there are more, and I know I have flaws, but right now I need to get myself believing that I am enough just as I am. I don't need to change for someone to love me. If someone doesn't love me, then they're not right for me. End of story. If I'm not interesting enough to capture and hold someone's attention, then they're looking for something I can't offer and I need to move on and keep looking.

I'm wondering if Ex-Boyfriend had an unrealistic view of how a relationship actually works. I think what I'm most upset about is that, when offered the chance to work on the relationship and see if we can figure out a way to make it work again, he didn't want to. I wasn't worth the effort to him. That hurts, but it's his problem, not mine. I can't control other people's actions and feelings. All I can control is how I react to them.

I'm also wondering if some of my good attributes were working against me. For example, I am very independent. No matter what happens to me, it's my responsibility to fix it. I own my life. There are a lot of men out there who don't like independent women. I don't need anyone else to take care of me, or even for me to be happy. I am whole. I don't need rescuing. All I want out of a relationship is companionship. Materially, I don't need more than I already have.

I'm looking back and wondering if the bipolar thing had anything to do with this. But, during the almost five months we dated, he only saw me have a bad bipolar day once, and I had warned him ahead of time. I look back and realize that there was only one time I even came close to losing my temper with him, and that was when he was goading me and all I said was "Are you trying to piss me off??"

Right now the idea of starting over with someone new is emotionally exhausting. I need to wait this depressive episode out and get back to normal before I even think about jumping into dating again.

Why does it have to be so complicated? It was never complicated with Scott. I realize that is incredibly rare and that, realistically, I'm not going to find an ideal situation like that again. Or at least not anytime soon. But is it really so much to ask that I find a drama-free, game-free man with whom I can have fun and share emotional intimacy? A man who doesn't have or want kids? Maybe it is too much to ask. I'll have to wait and see.

Yet Another New Reality

Last time I checked in I was feeling like I was headed into a downward spiral.

For a while there it felt like it wouldn't be so bad. Then a few things happened yesterday.

First, Boyfriend (well, now EX-Boyfriend) came over and dumped me out of nowhere. Same reason as Scott: "You're an amazing person but my feelings for you are gone."

Okay. I can deal with that. I've had worse. Insert self-pep-talk here.

Ten minutes later I got a phone call from a company with whom I had interviewed this past Friday. I got the job! I was elated. I was so proud of myself. I said, "At least there's some good news to offset the bad."

Ten minutes later I got the formal offer through e-mail. And they were offering a pay cut.

Sigh. I had had high hopes for this job opportunity.

Okay...now two things...can I handle this? Probably. I felt like I was being kicked while I was down, but still felt like I had the ability to compartmentalize and keep going with my life.

Today I came home from work, a little early, and decided to take a nap. When I'm depressed, I sleep a lot, just to get through the days until it passes (which it usually does on its own).

I dreamt that I hadn't been in a breakup yesterday, that things were just fine, and when I woke up just now...

...I just have this horrible sinking feeling. It's real. I don't know how long I'm going to feel depressed, or how bad it's going to get, but it's going to get worse. I can feel it.

And that, my friends, is the new reality that I now face.