Too Bad...

Me:  Training someone is hard work. Especially because I'm a control freak and I'm having to let go.

 

Mim:  I know, I hate training, too.  My boss wants me to train the secretary to do my job.   While doing my job, which takes all of my time.

 

Me:  That's the thing. I'm having to slow way down. I'm getting things done in double the time.

And there are little, irrelevant things I do because of OCD tendencies that my coworker is not doing and it's making my skin crawl.

Mim:  I hereby grant you dispensation from all rules of decent behavior:  Slap him.

From the Pope, through me, to you.

You're welcome.

 

Me:  Too bad we're not Catholic.

 

Mim:  We should convert.  Then develop bad habits we can give up for lent.

 

I AM Enough

When you go through two breakups in a row that ended up the same way, you start to doubt yourself.

Was it me? Did I make a mistake or do something wrong? Am I not enough?

But I AM enough. There are just people who don't see it.

To make myself feel better, I'm going to list a few of my good attributes. I'm smart and university educated. I'm independent. I'm usually optimistic and have a positive outlook on life. I give my time and talents to others. I'm always willing to help out a friend. I'm debt-free, except my car loan (which is a pretty amazing accomplishment). I can be amusing. I enjoy myself almost anywhere I am. I'm willing to try new things. I have nice boobs and pretty eyes. I'm sure there are more, and I know I have flaws, but right now I need to get myself believing that I am enough just as I am. I don't need to change for someone to love me. If someone doesn't love me, then they're not right for me. End of story. If I'm not interesting enough to capture and hold someone's attention, then they're looking for something I can't offer and I need to move on and keep looking.

I'm wondering if Ex-Boyfriend had an unrealistic view of how a relationship actually works. I think what I'm most upset about is that, when offered the chance to work on the relationship and see if we can figure out a way to make it work again, he didn't want to. I wasn't worth the effort to him. That hurts, but it's his problem, not mine. I can't control other people's actions and feelings. All I can control is how I react to them.

I'm also wondering if some of my good attributes were working against me. For example, I am very independent. No matter what happens to me, it's my responsibility to fix it. I own my life. There are a lot of men out there who don't like independent women. I don't need anyone else to take care of me, or even for me to be happy. I am whole. I don't need rescuing. All I want out of a relationship is companionship. Materially, I don't need more than I already have.

I'm looking back and wondering if the bipolar thing had anything to do with this. But, during the almost five months we dated, he only saw me have a bad bipolar day once, and I had warned him ahead of time. I look back and realize that there was only one time I even came close to losing my temper with him, and that was when he was goading me and all I said was "Are you trying to piss me off??"

Right now the idea of starting over with someone new is emotionally exhausting. I need to wait this depressive episode out and get back to normal before I even think about jumping into dating again.

Why does it have to be so complicated? It was never complicated with Scott. I realize that is incredibly rare and that, realistically, I'm not going to find an ideal situation like that again. Or at least not anytime soon. But is it really so much to ask that I find a drama-free, game-free man with whom I can have fun and share emotional intimacy? A man who doesn't have or want kids? Maybe it is too much to ask. I'll have to wait and see.

Yet Another New Reality

Last time I checked in I was feeling like I was headed into a downward spiral.

For a while there it felt like it wouldn't be so bad. Then a few things happened yesterday.

First, Boyfriend (well, now EX-Boyfriend) came over and dumped me out of nowhere. Same reason as Scott: "You're an amazing person but my feelings for you are gone."

Okay. I can deal with that. I've had worse. Insert self-pep-talk here.

Ten minutes later I got a phone call from a company with whom I had interviewed this past Friday. I got the job! I was elated. I was so proud of myself. I said, "At least there's some good news to offset the bad."

Ten minutes later I got the formal offer through e-mail. And they were offering a pay cut.

Sigh. I had had high hopes for this job opportunity.

Okay...now two things...can I handle this? Probably. I felt like I was being kicked while I was down, but still felt like I had the ability to compartmentalize and keep going with my life.

Today I came home from work, a little early, and decided to take a nap. When I'm depressed, I sleep a lot, just to get through the days until it passes (which it usually does on its own).

I dreamt that I hadn't been in a breakup yesterday, that things were just fine, and when I woke up just now...

...I just have this horrible sinking feeling. It's real. I don't know how long I'm going to feel depressed, or how bad it's going to get, but it's going to get worse. I can feel it.

And that, my friends, is the new reality that I now face.

No More Fairy Tales

I know it's been a while since I've written. I've had a lot happen; I just can't seem to find the words.

For the past few days I've gotten a little worried. I've been feeling myself start to spiral downward into a depressive phase. I only told three people about it, Boyfriend not included. I'm just not sure we're there yet.

Something that's been difficult for me with Boyfriend is knowing the proper level of intimacy for this particular stage in our relationship. Things are going well. But it's a huge adjustment, going from a marriage relationship with someone you've known for ten years (that began as a stable friendship before romance even came into the equation) to a new relationship with someone you've known in a romantic capacity only for a whole four months. I'm the type of person who relies on a romantic relationship for emotional openness and honesty with someone for whom I care deeply, but I don't know if that's something that should happen now or after we've spent more time together. This is entirely new territory for me, and it's sometimes hella confusing.

I've been thinking lately about how much things have changed since last November. I have a few constants: friends and family. But other than that, everything's up in the air. I'm even looking at finding a new job. I guess the change that's been bugging me lately is my new, un-naive idea of romantic love.

I no longer believe in fairy-tale endings.

They don't fucking exist.

If anyone in this entire world was going to have one, it was going to be me and Scott. Yes, our relationship had been THAT GOOD. We had horrible things we had to deal with, yes, but we were a team.

But that's over and gone.

I'm with Boyfriend for who knows how long, and I'm having fun with it, and I'm open-minded as to where we'll end up, but I have no illusions that we'll be together forever. It's too ridiculous. Second marriages (or long-term, stable relationships) are even more doomed than first marriages in this day and age.

If my very best, 100%, all-the-time efforts weren't enough to keep my marriage alive, then I don't know what else I can do. What more can you give than everything you've ever had?

And all this is depressing the hell out of me. If it's all going to end in heartache, what's the point? I feel so jaded.

Logically, in my mind, I know that up until the end my years with Scott were the best years of my life, and I absolutely don't regret being with him. Maybe, for those few years, we were meant to be, and then we just weren't anymore. I don't know. I don't even know if I believe in fate in any way, shape, or form. What I do know is that the end of it ripped my heart in two, and I'm loath to experience that again.

So am I holding back from Boyfriend because we're not ready for that level of intimacy, or am I holding back out of fear for what might happen to my heart in the future?

I like to think that I'm the kind of person who will love deeply, regardless of the consequences, regardless of the ultimate outcome, because love is what makes life worth living, even if you don't always have it. Even if it burns you. Even if it takes away your naive misconceptions of romantic love.

But I'm not sure anymore.